I remember when I was growing up in the mid-to-late 90's, there was a heavy emphasis on EQ, or Emotional Intelligence.
Not fitting in with my peers, I become very interested in this EQ-thing, as well as quasi-psychology as Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It was the only thing I knew that could help me understand others, although I don't think the book was meant for, or written about, 10 year olds.
Looking back at it now, I can see it as a "symptom", if you will. Since I was not able to make and keep friends through normal means, I made my peers into "lab rats" and applied the theories I read in the books. It did not really help.
At the time, when EQ was very much in the limelight, I remember not feeling I "fit" with how one should be, EQ-wise. I felt that I did not fit the shape making out "a good person". In 1990, EQ was defined as "the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions.". Read that again, and think of the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Syndrom.
I tried so hard to get a high EQ-score in the tests published in women's magazines. After taking a few, I saw a pattern and adapted my score, manipulating it, if you will, to be able to "brag" about my high scores. I learnt, through these tests and articles, how a "normal person" felt, thought, behaved and treated others. It's a lesson that has stuck with me through my life since then, making me the person I am today, through constant manipulation of my thoughts, feelings and behavior against others.
When I first started reading about Asperger's Syndrome, and autism, I was very against the idea that all autistics have problems with empathy. I still do, in a way, due to the notion that every autistic is different. What I had problems understanding is that there is a fine line between empathy and sympathy.
While empathy is the ability to recognize or understand other people's state of mind or emotion, and what is talked about as being able to "put one self in another person's shoes", sympathy is defined as concern and sorrow for another person's situation or misfortune. The idea that autistics lack empathy is known as Theory of Mind; the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.
Looking at it now, a couple of months on, and with new experiences and understandings of myself as well as autism, I can see that I do not employ this theory of mind. Most of the time I am able to "use" it through the things I have learns about other people, feelings and "common courtesy", but when I'm stressed out, angry and panicked, I catch myself speaking and acting out my true feelings.
One of my greater flaws is my perfectionism. Although I can be very hard on myself to be as perfect as possible, I might be even harder with others, be it the mailman who is an hour late, or a salesperson in a store I gone to to get something I simply must have straight away (yet another flaw, my impatience).
Being able to recognize this flaw, and putting in the context of autism, I see that it is not simply that I am unreasonable, although I clearly am, but it's an unreasonableness I cannot help. The unreasonableness is a product of my lack of empathy, and I have to stop and think about it when I've calmed myself down that maybe, just maybe, this person cannot really do anything more than she or he already is. That is no excuse, thought, because now that I am aware of it, it is something I can work on.
Showing posts with label the real world. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the real world. Show all posts
Friday, August 1, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Video and update
This old post barely touching the subject, and I still think she's better at explaining. I suggest you watch the video.
In other news;
I seem to be one of the statistics. One of those 13.5%.
I saw a doctor today, to receive a diagnosis of social anxiety. After turning of the TV, closing the door to the garden and then hiding behind the bed when the bell rang yesterday, I realized I cannot go on like this. Of course, there are other things as well - waiting to check the mail till the neighsbors are nowhere in sight, not being able to be outside as long as the neighbors can see me, trouble going to the store on my own, et cetera, et cetera. The list goes on.
The doctor was very kind, and agreed with my own conclusion. I had blood drawn just to make sure there's nothing else going on that could give the same symptoms (which I pretty much doubt).
I did not inform her of having Asperger's. I'm going back in August, unless there's something wrong with my blood tests, to talk about what to do now - therapy, group therapy and/or medication. I'm opting for the latter + sessions with the uni psychologist and/or group therapy. That'll be the time to bring up the AS, I think, as that'd the underlying cause as far as I can tell.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Whoa, feelings
Feelings
Whoa, feelings
Whoa, feelings
Get out of my life
Remember that song by Offspring? I suddenly got stuck in my head this morning while I was lying in bed, pondering on this with feelings.
After the test I took last week, I have started to come to the realization that I am very much not on touch with my feelings. Don't read that as if I do not have feelings, because I do - and lots of them, too. My body knows my feelings, but my mind does not. A recent example is a fight I had with my mom where I stared crying, and I did not know I was going to, and did not really register that I did at first. My body is great at letting the world know what I'm feeling. I can begin to cry without "feeling" anything before it happens. When I am poorly, my voice gets slightly whiny, and I have a hard time controlling it.
This is what I do not get with other people - why do they seem so content (which I've learn means 'in a state of peaceful happiness') all the time when my body reveals more or less anything that goes on inside?
To me it seems like other people are not feeling anything at all, and that they are the ones with a "problem" since I have no idea what is going on inside them since their bodies do not act as mine does. I have learned to read body language, at least a bit. I know when my husband has to go to the bathroom, for one. But other than that, I am clueless.
After denying for months that autistics does not have Theory of Mind, and that we do have empathy, I have finally understood it - after lots of reading. I think I have been so dead set against those ideas because I have thought it to mean that we are stupid, or bad people, or... something. But it does not. Just as I have problems understanding whatever is going on inside me, we have problems relating to what others could be feeling right now unless they strongly let us know, either through words or bodily functions like crying. Of course, such actions require that we act, and that is a whole other problem, is it not?
As always, I am unable to follow a blog post through, and offer a conclusion. However, again, that is not really my aim for this blog *wink*
Whoa, feelings
Whoa, feelings
Get out of my life
Remember that song by Offspring? I suddenly got stuck in my head this morning while I was lying in bed, pondering on this with feelings.
After the test I took last week, I have started to come to the realization that I am very much not on touch with my feelings. Don't read that as if I do not have feelings, because I do - and lots of them, too. My body knows my feelings, but my mind does not. A recent example is a fight I had with my mom where I stared crying, and I did not know I was going to, and did not really register that I did at first. My body is great at letting the world know what I'm feeling. I can begin to cry without "feeling" anything before it happens. When I am poorly, my voice gets slightly whiny, and I have a hard time controlling it.
This is what I do not get with other people - why do they seem so content (which I've learn means 'in a state of peaceful happiness') all the time when my body reveals more or less anything that goes on inside?
To me it seems like other people are not feeling anything at all, and that they are the ones with a "problem" since I have no idea what is going on inside them since their bodies do not act as mine does. I have learned to read body language, at least a bit. I know when my husband has to go to the bathroom, for one. But other than that, I am clueless.
After denying for months that autistics does not have Theory of Mind, and that we do have empathy, I have finally understood it - after lots of reading. I think I have been so dead set against those ideas because I have thought it to mean that we are stupid, or bad people, or... something. But it does not. Just as I have problems understanding whatever is going on inside me, we have problems relating to what others could be feeling right now unless they strongly let us know, either through words or bodily functions like crying. Of course, such actions require that we act, and that is a whole other problem, is it not?
As always, I am unable to follow a blog post through, and offer a conclusion. However, again, that is not really my aim for this blog *wink*
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Parents are always to blame
I am currently re-reading Coming out Asperger: Diagnosis, Disclosure and Self-Confidence. Liane Holliday Wiley has the first chapter, which centers around telling or not telling someone you're an aspie.
A few pages into the chapter, she discuss how you can build an aspie person's self-confidence, and admits to being a little overprotective of her own kids. Instead of doing what she did, she propose a few ideas on how to make children aware of their own potential, that they are capable human beings, from a young age. Some of these are early on to let the child help decide what the family should eat, let the child pick out its own bed covers, try things the AS might prove difficult (for some, dance), and such. All in all she has ideas on how aspies can be well-prepared for the real world with the help of their parents.
My parents never knew I am aspie, and thus I was brougt up like a NT-kid, more or less at least, as you'd imagine. This included that I was expected to be able to do everything my sister did, and maybe even more, as I was the youngest. From an early age, I sliced bread and fed myself. I was early able to dress myself. 7 years old, I came home from school at noon, made two hot dogs (with boiling water) and looked after myself till they came home later in the afternoon.
Them not knowing (although they might have suspected something) has made me the person I am today. I can blame them for all kinds of shit that has gone wrong in my life, but instead of that, I'd like the readers of this post to know that sometimes bringing a child up like any other (presuming you don't know something's "off, etc), is a good thing. I consider myself to be "high-functioning", for the most part at least, and I owe that to my parents expectance that I am able to look after and care for myself.
A few pages into the chapter, she discuss how you can build an aspie person's self-confidence, and admits to being a little overprotective of her own kids. Instead of doing what she did, she propose a few ideas on how to make children aware of their own potential, that they are capable human beings, from a young age. Some of these are early on to let the child help decide what the family should eat, let the child pick out its own bed covers, try things the AS might prove difficult (for some, dance), and such. All in all she has ideas on how aspies can be well-prepared for the real world with the help of their parents.
My parents never knew I am aspie, and thus I was brougt up like a NT-kid, more or less at least, as you'd imagine. This included that I was expected to be able to do everything my sister did, and maybe even more, as I was the youngest. From an early age, I sliced bread and fed myself. I was early able to dress myself. 7 years old, I came home from school at noon, made two hot dogs (with boiling water) and looked after myself till they came home later in the afternoon.
Them not knowing (although they might have suspected something) has made me the person I am today. I can blame them for all kinds of shit that has gone wrong in my life, but instead of that, I'd like the readers of this post to know that sometimes bringing a child up like any other (presuming you don't know something's "off, etc), is a good thing. I consider myself to be "high-functioning", for the most part at least, and I owe that to my parents expectance that I am able to look after and care for myself.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Yes, I am awfully slow in updating about the things I say I'll update about. At the end of the spring semester, I said I had a lot of blog entries in my RSS-feeder, that I'd read through them, and then give my opinion on things presented in those blogs. A few weeks on, and I still have done so.
Masks - oh dear
"Now, I want to get rid of them. Partly because they are so hard to maintain, I have to remember all these masks for so many different people, it gets too tiring, and very stressful when I have to deal with two people who are usually not seen together – I have to mix their individual masks and come up with a super mask that fits both people in that situation."
This rings so true! I've done this for as long as I can remember. A lot of this has had to do with my family. As I might, and might not have mentioned before, my family has never allowed for any feelings to be exhibited, for anything "bad" to be out in the open, and any mental issues or disabilities, like Asperger's, would simply not be accepted. This is why I've never stood up for myself when it comes to all the years I've been, often severely, depressed. Neither have I told my mom about me having Asperger's. I'm not sure I ever will.
More specifically, I've had masks for different people all my life. This has to do with my family situation, as I've indicated above. There's one mask for acquaintances, one for my mom, one for my husband, and so on. It has to be mentioned that my husband is silently and carefully pulling the mask further and further over my head, almost removing it completely. I think this is a good thing, but at the same time, I need these masks in order to function. I've blogged about this previously, a few months back, on how I function very well when it's on "my terms".
Masks are, for me, tightly intertwined with the need to mentally prepare for situations, people and possible conversations. Different people require different masks. If I am to talk to a person working in the uni administration, I need to plan for what to say - in which order should I make my needs be known? How can I best explain what I need help with? This preparation calls for a strong and confident mask.
Preparation for lectures and seminars is sort of similar. It's not good, I know, but I prepare for lectures and seminars by sitting next to someone I know will be prone to throwing their hands in the air to answer questions. Sitting next to someone like that will, most likely, have as a consequence that I will not be asked any questions.
"I have decided that this year, I want to make a fresh start."
This is definitely easier said than done.
After becoming aware of my Asperger's, I've felt more confident in myself than ever before. My entire life, I've kept in the shadows, always being the good girl who does what she's told. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but this good girl-syndrome has kept me in a place where I've never wanted to stand up for myself.
Finding out about being on the spectrum coincided, time-wise, with having to be on my own for 6-7 months. During this time I have had to be my own advocate. It's been hard, but it's been necessary, both for practical reasons and for becoming the person I am today.
During this time I've made quite a few new acquaitances, and I have tried my best to make them without the help of my masks. I have succeded as well - when my husband returned home and met with a friend I made during his absence, I noticed that there weren't that big a clash between the mask I wear with his and the mask I wear with her. It's strange, but a welcome feeling.
Masks - oh dear
"Now, I want to get rid of them. Partly because they are so hard to maintain, I have to remember all these masks for so many different people, it gets too tiring, and very stressful when I have to deal with two people who are usually not seen together – I have to mix their individual masks and come up with a super mask that fits both people in that situation."
This rings so true! I've done this for as long as I can remember. A lot of this has had to do with my family. As I might, and might not have mentioned before, my family has never allowed for any feelings to be exhibited, for anything "bad" to be out in the open, and any mental issues or disabilities, like Asperger's, would simply not be accepted. This is why I've never stood up for myself when it comes to all the years I've been, often severely, depressed. Neither have I told my mom about me having Asperger's. I'm not sure I ever will.
More specifically, I've had masks for different people all my life. This has to do with my family situation, as I've indicated above. There's one mask for acquaintances, one for my mom, one for my husband, and so on. It has to be mentioned that my husband is silently and carefully pulling the mask further and further over my head, almost removing it completely. I think this is a good thing, but at the same time, I need these masks in order to function. I've blogged about this previously, a few months back, on how I function very well when it's on "my terms".
Masks are, for me, tightly intertwined with the need to mentally prepare for situations, people and possible conversations. Different people require different masks. If I am to talk to a person working in the uni administration, I need to plan for what to say - in which order should I make my needs be known? How can I best explain what I need help with? This preparation calls for a strong and confident mask.
Preparation for lectures and seminars is sort of similar. It's not good, I know, but I prepare for lectures and seminars by sitting next to someone I know will be prone to throwing their hands in the air to answer questions. Sitting next to someone like that will, most likely, have as a consequence that I will not be asked any questions.
"I have decided that this year, I want to make a fresh start."
This is definitely easier said than done.
After becoming aware of my Asperger's, I've felt more confident in myself than ever before. My entire life, I've kept in the shadows, always being the good girl who does what she's told. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but this good girl-syndrome has kept me in a place where I've never wanted to stand up for myself.
Finding out about being on the spectrum coincided, time-wise, with having to be on my own for 6-7 months. During this time I have had to be my own advocate. It's been hard, but it's been necessary, both for practical reasons and for becoming the person I am today.
During this time I've made quite a few new acquaitances, and I have tried my best to make them without the help of my masks. I have succeded as well - when my husband returned home and met with a friend I made during his absence, I noticed that there weren't that big a clash between the mask I wear with his and the mask I wear with her. It's strange, but a welcome feeling.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
This and That - nothing much to update about
If you are a recurring guest here, in my blog, you might have noticed the stat counter I've places on the right hand side. It's interesting, in a way - the first few days after I added it, the number of visits was to be expected; a few each day. But, after I merged this blog with my other one and changed the name on my profile, or, "stopped hiding", it's gotten quite a few unique hits as well as recurring visitors. The blog also gets quite a few page reloads - and I can say, not all of them are mine...
The question remains as to why.
* I haven't written any new posts since last Wednesday.
* The last post wasn't a comment to any news article about going-ons in the autistic society - it was on Autistic Pride Day, and a short one at that.
* I don't advertise for this blog anywhere. It's linked to from a couple of profiles on a few message boards, but I doubt that's where the traffic is coming from.
* I haven't posted a comment anywhere, linking to it.
If you're one of these visitors (which you must be since you're reading this right now), please indulge me and tell me how you found me. Do you follow me on a regular basis?
In other news, there are no other news. Life is slowly going by and nothing much happens. We (my husband and I) attended a wedding last Saturday. I'd been a bit anxious about the dinner and party due to social issues. They pretty much came true - I had a hard time "small talking" when my husband wasn't there (he had a flu and came and left the room "as it pleased" him - bless him, he wasn't feeling good), but that was to be expected. My initial problems making social is when no one initiates it. I can small talk, but only if someone talks to me first. The conversations usually die down pretty fast, as they did on Saturday; someone asks me how long I've known the bride, we talk a bit about that. Then they ask what I study in uni, I tell them. And then it goes silent. I have no idea how to ask something back. They usually leave at that point. I don't blame them.
At Aspies for Freedom, there is a new thread on recommendations of books on autism. So far non-fiction books were recommended, but today when I checked the thread, someone had recommended The Speed of Dark, which is a sci-fi book set somewhere in the future where a cure for autism has been found. It can only be used on babies, but a cure for adults are about to be found, and the main character is given the opportunity to take it. I've added it to my wishlist there as I am in desperate need for something to read and because it sounds very, very interesting. And, since I'm rude and all that, here is a link to my wishlist. If nothing else, I have a wide range of autism books on there - maybe you'll find something you want to read. Although the book is no longer on my wish list (since I got it), I can highly recommend Unstrange Minds - Remapping the World of Autism. It offers a "history" of autism - from when it was first "discovered" by Kanner and Asperger, how it was viewed as a form of schizophrenia, how autistics were treated, but also a good insight into how a few selected countries view autism today. It also explains why there is no "autism epidemic". A good read. Get it today.
The question remains as to why.
* I haven't written any new posts since last Wednesday.
* The last post wasn't a comment to any news article about going-ons in the autistic society - it was on Autistic Pride Day, and a short one at that.
* I don't advertise for this blog anywhere. It's linked to from a couple of profiles on a few message boards, but I doubt that's where the traffic is coming from.
* I haven't posted a comment anywhere, linking to it.
If you're one of these visitors (which you must be since you're reading this right now), please indulge me and tell me how you found me. Do you follow me on a regular basis?
In other news, there are no other news. Life is slowly going by and nothing much happens. We (my husband and I) attended a wedding last Saturday. I'd been a bit anxious about the dinner and party due to social issues. They pretty much came true - I had a hard time "small talking" when my husband wasn't there (he had a flu and came and left the room "as it pleased" him - bless him, he wasn't feeling good), but that was to be expected. My initial problems making social is when no one initiates it. I can small talk, but only if someone talks to me first. The conversations usually die down pretty fast, as they did on Saturday; someone asks me how long I've known the bride, we talk a bit about that. Then they ask what I study in uni, I tell them. And then it goes silent. I have no idea how to ask something back. They usually leave at that point. I don't blame them.
At Aspies for Freedom, there is a new thread on recommendations of books on autism. So far non-fiction books were recommended, but today when I checked the thread, someone had recommended The Speed of Dark, which is a sci-fi book set somewhere in the future where a cure for autism has been found. It can only be used on babies, but a cure for adults are about to be found, and the main character is given the opportunity to take it. I've added it to my wishlist there as I am in desperate need for something to read and because it sounds very, very interesting. And, since I'm rude and all that, here is a link to my wishlist. If nothing else, I have a wide range of autism books on there - maybe you'll find something you want to read. Although the book is no longer on my wish list (since I got it), I can highly recommend Unstrange Minds - Remapping the World of Autism. It offers a "history" of autism - from when it was first "discovered" by Kanner and Asperger, how it was viewed as a form of schizophrenia, how autistics were treated, but also a good insight into how a few selected countries view autism today. It also explains why there is no "autism epidemic". A good read. Get it today.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Parents vs. kids, or, parents vs. adult autistics
Again, I'm sorry for not updating as often as I, perhaps, once did - Life has gotten in the way.
I'm about to wander into a topic I'm not too keen on blogging about - because it can be hurtful. I'll keep it brief, and to the point. This post is not so much a discussion as it is for information.
I once read a brilliant line; what happens to the autistic kid when he turns 18? Is he magically cured, or... does he die? You see, autistic adults exist, and there will "be" more of us in a very short time due to the increase in diagnosises made, which again is due to a better understanding about autism. This means that the society will have to "get used to" us in a different way than what has been the norm up until now. Of course, there has always been autistic adults (and I'm not just thinking about those categorized as 'low-functioning), but now we're getting more and more visible (think something along the lines of the "we're here, we're queer, get used to it"-mentality).
This brings up an interesting discussions, and possibly, problems. Parents of autistic kids are more than aware that their kids are growing up - but, what happens once they're adults? Will they be able to care for themselves? Get a job, get married, and have a family of their own? I believe many will - many already does.
I'm as lucky that I've gotten in touch with several parents over the last couple of months. Firstly, parents at www.autismesiden.no's message board. Later, at Asperger Rogaland. The latter is a 'real-life' group of parents of kids from the age of 9-17 (I think). I've only met them twice, but it's been nice meetings both time, with interesting discussion and a whole lot of epiphanies (at least for me). It seems that I'm not the only one learning and discovering things about myself and autism, but that I can help them, as well.
At the last meeting, Ivar came along as well, and he brought his mother. I hope they both will be regulars from now on.
Talking about that - Ivar and I are hoping to now form a regular group of youth and adults around here. We have out first gathering next Friday. If you're reading this, and is from the area around Stavanger, please check out MeetUp and our Google Group.
I'm about to wander into a topic I'm not too keen on blogging about - because it can be hurtful. I'll keep it brief, and to the point. This post is not so much a discussion as it is for information.
I once read a brilliant line; what happens to the autistic kid when he turns 18? Is he magically cured, or... does he die? You see, autistic adults exist, and there will "be" more of us in a very short time due to the increase in diagnosises made, which again is due to a better understanding about autism. This means that the society will have to "get used to" us in a different way than what has been the norm up until now. Of course, there has always been autistic adults (and I'm not just thinking about those categorized as 'low-functioning), but now we're getting more and more visible (think something along the lines of the "we're here, we're queer, get used to it"-mentality).
This brings up an interesting discussions, and possibly, problems. Parents of autistic kids are more than aware that their kids are growing up - but, what happens once they're adults? Will they be able to care for themselves? Get a job, get married, and have a family of their own? I believe many will - many already does.
I'm as lucky that I've gotten in touch with several parents over the last couple of months. Firstly, parents at www.autismesiden.no's message board. Later, at Asperger Rogaland. The latter is a 'real-life' group of parents of kids from the age of 9-17 (I think). I've only met them twice, but it's been nice meetings both time, with interesting discussion and a whole lot of epiphanies (at least for me). It seems that I'm not the only one learning and discovering things about myself and autism, but that I can help them, as well.
At the last meeting, Ivar came along as well, and he brought his mother. I hope they both will be regulars from now on.
Talking about that - Ivar and I are hoping to now form a regular group of youth and adults around here. We have out first gathering next Friday. If you're reading this, and is from the area around Stavanger, please check out MeetUp and our Google Group.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Thoughts
Still over two weeks without any "real" posts. I apologize.
Since then I've had a few "revelations" and have decided to document them in a word-document, if I am ever to get a "proper" assessment (in addition to my own self-understanding and the "confirmation" I had back in February, by a professional). The only problem so far is that I tend to remember things right before I fall asleep. That is my main time for pondering. Most of the time I have trouble sleeping, although not due to worrying. So, I ponder. And I always think to myself that I will remember and write it down on the Mac in the morning. I never do. I guess this is why it's recommended to keep a notebook with you - so that you can jot it down right there and then.
Has anyone else done this sort of thing? Has it been useful during the assessment process?
Since then I've had a few "revelations" and have decided to document them in a word-document, if I am ever to get a "proper" assessment (in addition to my own self-understanding and the "confirmation" I had back in February, by a professional). The only problem so far is that I tend to remember things right before I fall asleep. That is my main time for pondering. Most of the time I have trouble sleeping, although not due to worrying. So, I ponder. And I always think to myself that I will remember and write it down on the Mac in the morning. I never do. I guess this is why it's recommended to keep a notebook with you - so that you can jot it down right there and then.
Has anyone else done this sort of thing? Has it been useful during the assessment process?
Sunday, April 13, 2008
A whole new way
Lately I've been so social I find myself more and more exhausted. It's resulting in problems with the phone. I struggle to answer the phone on the best of days; I can talk on the phone with my husband (who's currently in another country) and some acquaintances (however, I don't like it).
It's turning into a problem because I have had several calls towards the end of the week from people at the student paper I work at. I know they're calling to ask me to step in last minute for some photography, but I've been unable to face not only the call, but them as well; if I had picked up I'd have to make up an excuse for not taking the job.
The question now is how to fix it? I have let it be known that I'm not too keen on phones right from the start, but I don't expect people to remember that. If I'm contacted over e-mail or text message, it's no problem, but... I'm not. I'm debating whether or not to tell about my social anxiety and/or Asperger's. I could say that I don't do phones but people always want a reason why.
It's turning into a problem because I have had several calls towards the end of the week from people at the student paper I work at. I know they're calling to ask me to step in last minute for some photography, but I've been unable to face not only the call, but them as well; if I had picked up I'd have to make up an excuse for not taking the job.
The question now is how to fix it? I have let it be known that I'm not too keen on phones right from the start, but I don't expect people to remember that. If I'm contacted over e-mail or text message, it's no problem, but... I'm not. I'm debating whether or not to tell about my social anxiety and/or Asperger's. I could say that I don't do phones but people always want a reason why.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Another comparisson
Currently in Feminist Theory-lecture, which I've mentioned previously.
"It is said that Muslim Women are suppressed. Yet, no one asks them how they feel. It's a given that they are. However, some Norwegian Women have spoken freely and loudly that they are indeed not suppressed."
"They cannot represent themselves, they must be represented" (Marx, 1853)
I guess you're all see where I'm going here...
We need to step up our game.
"It is said that Muslim Women are suppressed. Yet, no one asks them how they feel. It's a given that they are. However, some Norwegian Women have spoken freely and loudly that they are indeed not suppressed."
"They cannot represent themselves, they must be represented" (Marx, 1853)
I guess you're all see where I'm going here...
We need to step up our game.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Meltdowns, or the lack of
Of course, I cannot for the life of me remember where I read it, but it was yesterday or the day before that I came across a blog entry (I think) where this autistic person said that (s)he had been able to refrain from public meltdowns. Anyone know which one I'm talking about?
As you might or might now know,
I don't recall having had many meltdowns during my childhood. If I did, they were never called meltdowns. I was just a "bad girl who didn't know how to behave". The story that often comes up is that of the 3 year old me at the mall with my mom, "throwing a complete tantrum" so bad my mom had to pick me up and carry me under her arm out of the mall.
Several people describe how their autistic kids can be such angels when they're "in public", yet act as monsters behind closed doors. This was true for me as well, and is something I still do from time to time. I can be nice, civil and polite during "office hours", and then unleash everything once I get home. I'm not easy to live with, I know, and this is something I'm working on. I distincively remember being embarrassed them few time I "lost it", and I think therefore I started to restrict it to when I was home.
Do you think autistics are able to "control themselves" from melting down in public? Are there any gender-differences when it comes to meltdowns? The source I've quoted mentions that autistic adults often get depressed (and 'shut down') instead of melt down. I think this is particularly true for women (not saying it doesn't happen to men). Autistic or not, most "high-functioning" autistics become aware of the effect they have on others on one level or the other some time and begin to "adjust" their behavior. I'm not saying everyone does this, but I know I've done it, and I assume this is very true for the female aspie.
Let's face it. Girls are brought up differently, either the parents admit to it or not. That's just the way it is. Even thought my parents at least tried to give both of us a "gender-less" upbringing, the society we live in made it impossible. If our parents didn't encourage us to be free of gender-presumptions, the school sure as hell didn't. I remember being told that girls should be so and so (nice, polite) and boys could do whatever they wanted. And this is the problem with autism diagnostics today. Because boys are expected to be 'free', it's more "okay" for a boy to have ADHD/autism/whatever, but girls are so played down that most of them tone down their overall behavior + autism don't manifest itself the same way in females. This is a never-ending argument, so I'll just leave it as this; food for thought.
As you might or might now know,
A meltdown is condition where the Aspie temporarily loses control due to emotional responses to environmental factors.
It generally appears that the aspie has lost control over a single and specific issue however this is very rarely the case. Usually, the problem is the cumulation of a number of irritations which could span a fairly long period of time, particularly given the strong long-term memory facilities of the aspie.
[...]
The meltdown appears to most people as a tantrum or dummy spit. There are marked differences between adults and children.
Children tend to flop onto the ground and shout, scream or cry. Quite often, they will display violent behaviour such as hitting or kicking.
(source)
I don't recall having had many meltdowns during my childhood. If I did, they were never called meltdowns. I was just a "bad girl who didn't know how to behave". The story that often comes up is that of the 3 year old me at the mall with my mom, "throwing a complete tantrum" so bad my mom had to pick me up and carry me under her arm out of the mall.
Several people describe how their autistic kids can be such angels when they're "in public", yet act as monsters behind closed doors. This was true for me as well, and is something I still do from time to time. I can be nice, civil and polite during "office hours", and then unleash everything once I get home. I'm not easy to live with, I know, and this is something I'm working on. I distincively remember being embarrassed them few time I "lost it", and I think therefore I started to restrict it to when I was home.
Do you think autistics are able to "control themselves" from melting down in public? Are there any gender-differences when it comes to meltdowns? The source I've quoted mentions that autistic adults often get depressed (and 'shut down') instead of melt down. I think this is particularly true for women (not saying it doesn't happen to men). Autistic or not, most "high-functioning" autistics become aware of the effect they have on others on one level or the other some time and begin to "adjust" their behavior. I'm not saying everyone does this, but I know I've done it, and I assume this is very true for the female aspie.
Let's face it. Girls are brought up differently, either the parents admit to it or not. That's just the way it is. Even thought my parents at least tried to give both of us a "gender-less" upbringing, the society we live in made it impossible. If our parents didn't encourage us to be free of gender-presumptions, the school sure as hell didn't. I remember being told that girls should be so and so (nice, polite) and boys could do whatever they wanted. And this is the problem with autism diagnostics today. Because boys are expected to be 'free', it's more "okay" for a boy to have ADHD/autism/whatever, but girls are so played down that most of them tone down their overall behavior + autism don't manifest itself the same way in females. This is a never-ending argument, so I'll just leave it as this; food for thought.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Parallels
I just got out of a lecture on feminist theory 15 minutes ago and am currently sitting in a study hall at the university I attend. The class is every Thursday, and it's the one class I'm really looking forward to each week. Feminist theory and gender research is not a major obsession, but a long-lasting one and I'm happy the university is finally offering at least something like "this", small as it is.
We've been dealing with feminists like de Beauvoir, Firestone, Irigaray, Butler and Wittig (and probably a few more as well so far), having a look at their ideologies, theories and opinions. Of course, they all assume the position that females are oppressed by males, but there is more than that. How is gender made? What mattes when it comes to your individual representation of yourself as a male or a female? We're also writing a paper on this, which has to be handed in tonight (don't remind me).
Today we had a good hard look at our own prejudice. We were faced with several photos and had to classify whether or not the subject was female or male. Why did we think either way? We had to make lists as to why we had these assumptions about the people; characteristics as we saw them as well as the feelings the picture evokes. At the end, the lecture was about Wittig and Butler and how their theories deal with how we made ourselves known as genders. This struck a somewhat familiar chord.
Butler says that gender is biologically conditioned, but you adapt to the cultural (sociological) classification for the sex you are born with (biological sex). To these sociological gender, there are certain "expectations" you have to live up to. let's say you're a woman. You are expected to dress as "we" think women should dress and hold "feminine" qualities as be a good cook (even though the best chefs in the world are men), want and desire children and to become a mother. Of course, Butler goes even further and says that lesbian women are unable to live up to the expectations met in society and that one should, in some way, resolve sex as it's actually culturally defines after all - how we perceive sex depends on our culture. Maybe that isn't as relevant here... Or is it?
Can't a parallel be drawn to aspies in the NT world here? You see - as aspie as though we may be, we are still "expected" to act NT, to be NT. We as humans are seen as the same as NTs. We are to be the same. But, some of us (be it aspie, HFA or "low-functioning") can't live up to how NT-society works. There you go. That's the parallel. That puny paragraph. That's all I have to say after you've read all this.
I'm soooo tempted to write such a comparison in my paper, and thus out myself as an autistic.
We've been dealing with feminists like de Beauvoir, Firestone, Irigaray, Butler and Wittig (and probably a few more as well so far), having a look at their ideologies, theories and opinions. Of course, they all assume the position that females are oppressed by males, but there is more than that. How is gender made? What mattes when it comes to your individual representation of yourself as a male or a female? We're also writing a paper on this, which has to be handed in tonight (don't remind me).
Today we had a good hard look at our own prejudice. We were faced with several photos and had to classify whether or not the subject was female or male. Why did we think either way? We had to make lists as to why we had these assumptions about the people; characteristics as we saw them as well as the feelings the picture evokes. At the end, the lecture was about Wittig and Butler and how their theories deal with how we made ourselves known as genders. This struck a somewhat familiar chord.
Butler says that gender is biologically conditioned, but you adapt to the cultural (sociological) classification for the sex you are born with (biological sex). To these sociological gender, there are certain "expectations" you have to live up to. let's say you're a woman. You are expected to dress as "we" think women should dress and hold "feminine" qualities as be a good cook (even though the best chefs in the world are men), want and desire children and to become a mother. Of course, Butler goes even further and says that lesbian women are unable to live up to the expectations met in society and that one should, in some way, resolve sex as it's actually culturally defines after all - how we perceive sex depends on our culture. Maybe that isn't as relevant here... Or is it?
Can't a parallel be drawn to aspies in the NT world here? You see - as aspie as though we may be, we are still "expected" to act NT, to be NT. We as humans are seen as the same as NTs. We are to be the same. But, some of us (be it aspie, HFA or "low-functioning") can't live up to how NT-society works. There you go. That's the parallel. That puny paragraph. That's all I have to say after you've read all this.
I'm soooo tempted to write such a comparison in my paper, and thus out myself as an autistic.
Broken promises
You know what annoy me? That people cannot keep their appointment. I know it's a classical AS-trait to be irritated, annoyed, furious even, but that doesn't really do me any good when I having these feelings.
I just wish people would start realizing that there's someone else beside them in this world and when you do know that someone has AS, please consider this as you make and break appointments.
I'm not trying to say that you always have to keep the aspies in your life happy, but something as basic as keeping appointments unless something drastic happens is a small thing for you, but a great one for us. I know I have a weekly planner and I know how much I hate it when my carefully planned (and written) to do/appointment-lists are disturbed.
Just had to let off some steam.
I just wish people would start realizing that there's someone else beside them in this world and when you do know that someone has AS, please consider this as you make and break appointments.
I'm not trying to say that you always have to keep the aspies in your life happy, but something as basic as keeping appointments unless something drastic happens is a small thing for you, but a great one for us. I know I have a weekly planner and I know how much I hate it when my carefully planned (and written) to do/appointment-lists are disturbed.
Just had to let off some steam.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Household chores
I was always the lazy kid. I never cleaned my room. I've had piles upon piles of stuff lying on the floor because I "simply" cannot see where it all should go.
I never knew this could be connected with my now-apparent autism. Zosia Zaks writes in her book Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Autistic Adults that this is normal for some autistics;
She continues:
All this is true for me. I seem incapable of sorting my stuff and as a result, there are books piled on the floor, DVDs by the computer screen (even though we have a perfectly funtioning DVD-shelf). Things pile up. Easily.
I've referred to myself as well-functioning in the past. I still think I am. To a certain point. The truth of the matter is that I, as said previously, function very well "in my own environment". This includes, but is not limited to, that I have a wonderful husband who take on a lot of chores (and leaves me with a very guilty conscience) as well as a mother who feeds me while he's away.
Still, it's not all that easy. Some say that what differ most autistics from those with Asperger's is that aspies have a "want" for a social life. We want relationships. We want friends. But it's kinda hard to invite someone over when your house looks like something out of movie dealing with what happens after the zombie-invasion and your house could be a set.
I never knew this could be connected with my now-apparent autism. Zosia Zaks writes in her book Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Autistic Adults that this is normal for some autistics;
While not everyone on the autism spectrum has trouble getting and staying organized, many of us have a tough time creating a comfortable place to live. (p. 27)
She continues:
Some autistic people have difficulty managing all the tasks that go into maintaining a home. What has to be done first? Where do you begin?
[...]
Autistic people may also have trouble sorting different objects in the home. For example, we may not realize that the enormous pile of "stuff" on the bed can be broken down into separate piles of clothes, books, papers, and trash, and therefore managed more easily. It may be difficult to sort and control things that arrive in the home, with newspapers winding up all over the place and packages left by the door for weeks. It may not be obvious where to store items either.
[...]
Well-meaning non-autistic friends or relatives can inadvertently put pressure on us or assume we are lazy, in fact, we may have be having serious trouble caring for our living quarters, futher fueling a sense of frustration. (p. 28-29)
All this is true for me. I seem incapable of sorting my stuff and as a result, there are books piled on the floor, DVDs by the computer screen (even though we have a perfectly funtioning DVD-shelf). Things pile up. Easily.
I've referred to myself as well-functioning in the past. I still think I am. To a certain point. The truth of the matter is that I, as said previously, function very well "in my own environment". This includes, but is not limited to, that I have a wonderful husband who take on a lot of chores (and leaves me with a very guilty conscience) as well as a mother who feeds me while he's away.
Still, it's not all that easy. Some say that what differ most autistics from those with Asperger's is that aspies have a "want" for a social life. We want relationships. We want friends. But it's kinda hard to invite someone over when your house looks like something out of movie dealing with what happens after the zombie-invasion and your house could be a set.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
In the real world
Tony Atwood has said that there is indeed a cure for autism. Simply put the autistic in a room, all on his own and close the door. The symptoms disappear when you do so.
This is very true for me. I say that I have no problem functioning in the real world, but it has to be on my terms. Put simply that means that I function reasonably/really well as long as I know what' going to happen and as long as I'm in my little routine of school (lecture, breaks, buying food in the canteen, etc), working at the paper (covering concerts, editorial meetings, conducting interviews), etc. Of course, all of the above have once been unknown and therefore settings where I haven't functioned as well as I do now, after I've rehearsed them and have suiting scripts to go with each of them. Hell, I even seems quite outgoing and socially competent!
So, what happens when I'm thrown into the real world where there are no scripts, no previous experience to work from? Luckily, I seldom have to find out.
Today was the first time I ventured to a auto-repair shop alone. My mom is away on business and took the opportunity to get service done on her car. She handed me an envelope of money and asked me to pick it up this afternoon. After years of driving and thus not using public transportation, I had to take a bus. Noisy, uncomfortable and stressful. Luckily, it was on time; I've got a thing for punctuality. I was also lucky enough to find a seat towards the back and the seat next to me was unoccupied for most of the trip. But still, the people and the noises and the way the bus moved was enough to set of some stimming and make me queasy.
Then I had to deal with talking to unknown people in a noisy garage/office. The smell of the motor oils didn't help my already upset stomach, and just being in there has made me smell. Had to grab a shower the minute I got home.
I've been thinking. Many people have smell-triggered migraines, I know I do. Many autistics also have heightened sensitivity to smells. Is there a connection between migraines and autism? Does anyone know?
This is very true for me. I say that I have no problem functioning in the real world, but it has to be on my terms. Put simply that means that I function reasonably/really well as long as I know what' going to happen and as long as I'm in my little routine of school (lecture, breaks, buying food in the canteen, etc), working at the paper (covering concerts, editorial meetings, conducting interviews), etc. Of course, all of the above have once been unknown and therefore settings where I haven't functioned as well as I do now, after I've rehearsed them and have suiting scripts to go with each of them. Hell, I even seems quite outgoing and socially competent!
So, what happens when I'm thrown into the real world where there are no scripts, no previous experience to work from? Luckily, I seldom have to find out.
Today was the first time I ventured to a auto-repair shop alone. My mom is away on business and took the opportunity to get service done on her car. She handed me an envelope of money and asked me to pick it up this afternoon. After years of driving and thus not using public transportation, I had to take a bus. Noisy, uncomfortable and stressful. Luckily, it was on time; I've got a thing for punctuality. I was also lucky enough to find a seat towards the back and the seat next to me was unoccupied for most of the trip. But still, the people and the noises and the way the bus moved was enough to set of some stimming and make me queasy.
Then I had to deal with talking to unknown people in a noisy garage/office. The smell of the motor oils didn't help my already upset stomach, and just being in there has made me smell. Had to grab a shower the minute I got home.
I've been thinking. Many people have smell-triggered migraines, I know I do. Many autistics also have heightened sensitivity to smells. Is there a connection between migraines and autism? Does anyone know?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Presumptions, assumptions
Well, when you say how hard it is for you to talk to people, and to make friends, it's interesting that you're married and everything. Obviously it's great, too. But it's interesting.This comment was in my inbox a few days ago, from an entry I made in my LiveJournal with the letter I received from the psychologist a saw last week about Asperger's.
To be honest, I don't know how to make this entry. I don't know how to write an entry on how on earth I can be married. It is true that many autistic people do not marry. I'm not going to say that the majority of autistics won't marry because there seems to be more highh-functioning autistics than we know - more and more people, old and young, get a diagnosis.
So, on the topic of me and my marriage versus friends. I do have problems making, but even more so, keeping friends. The psychologist asked me about that - despite my urge to have a close friends, I seem unable to commit to a relationship on the same level as the people I make friends with. Either I'm yearning too much to be open and have girl-talks (you know, the kind you see in Hollywood movies) or I'm too withdrawn and insecure. Either way, I seem to scare people off. I am very very demanding. I demand that people treat me with the same kind of respect I show them - especially when it comes to giving and taking and showing up for appointments on time. As many, if not most autistics, I have a very deep-set black and white-thinking. I shouldn't blame the problems I have with making and keeping friends on my way of thinking and perceiving things, but it'd also be wrong to simply dismiss it. It is too set in my being to just shrug it off.
As much as I'd like a simple way to explain my marriage and the wonderfulness that is my husband, I don't think I can. Although he is most likely not autistic, we share some traits. Despite my urge to make social, I can also enjoy just spending time at home, in peace and quite (making social can drain me completely, resulting in low energy and migraines). He has always (as far as I know) been withdrawn. It's not that he can't have fun with friends, but most of the time he prefers to stay at home gaming and being a geek.
Other than that, he's the person I've been able to open up to the most in all of my life. He knows my ins and outs, my most shameful secrets and good qualities. And he has never judged me. Even when I make terrible mistakes, he's there to pick me up again.
Exactly why we got together, and have stayed together for five years, I don't know. Maybe I just met him at a time in my life where I was so desperate to fit in, have friends and live the perfect life. Maybe that desperation made me give it my all and make it work.
Marriage between NTs and autistics supposedly have an even bigger chance of not working out. Everyone says it's more work than "normal" marriages. Maybe it is. maybe it isn't. It's a bit too easy to say that autistics don't marry. That they can't have friends. It sounds more than just a bit like a cliché, but "we are just like you". We just work a bit differently.
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