Yes, I am awfully slow in updating about the things I say I'll update about. At the end of the spring semester, I said I had a lot of blog entries in my RSS-feeder, that I'd read through them, and then give my opinion on things presented in those blogs. A few weeks on, and I still have done so.

Masks - oh dear

"Now, I want to get rid of them. Partly because they are so hard to maintain, I have to remember all these masks for so many different people, it gets too tiring, and very stressful when I have to deal with two people who are usually not seen together – I have to mix their individual masks and come up with a super mask that fits both people in that situation."

This rings so true! I've done this for as long as I can remember. A lot of this has had to do with my family. As I might, and might not have mentioned before, my family has never allowed for any feelings to be exhibited, for anything "bad" to be out in the open, and any mental issues or disabilities, like Asperger's, would simply not be accepted. This is why I've never stood up for myself when it comes to all the years I've been, often severely, depressed. Neither have I told my mom about me having Asperger's. I'm not sure I ever will.

More specifically, I've had masks for different people all my life. This has to do with my family situation, as I've indicated above. There's one mask for acquaintances, one for my mom, one for my husband, and so on. It has to be mentioned that my husband is silently and carefully pulling the mask further and further over my head, almost removing it completely. I think this is a good thing, but at the same time, I need these masks in order to function. I've blogged about this previously, a few months back, on how I function very well when it's on "my terms".

Masks are, for me, tightly intertwined with the need to mentally prepare for situations, people and possible conversations. Different people require different masks. If I am to talk to a person working in the uni administration, I need to plan for what to say - in which order should I make my needs be known? How can I best explain what I need help with? This preparation calls for a strong and confident mask.

Preparation for lectures and seminars is sort of similar. It's not good, I know, but I prepare for lectures and seminars by sitting next to someone I know will be prone to throwing their hands in the air to answer questions. Sitting next to someone like that will, most likely, have as a consequence that I will not be asked any questions.

"I have decided that this year, I want to make a fresh start."

This is definitely easier said than done.

After becoming aware of my Asperger's, I've felt more confident in myself than ever before. My entire life, I've kept in the shadows, always being the good girl who does what she's told. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but this good girl-syndrome has kept me in a place where I've never wanted to stand up for myself.

Finding out about being on the spectrum coincided, time-wise, with having to be on my own for 6-7 months. During this time I have had to be my own advocate. It's been hard, but it's been necessary, both for practical reasons and for becoming the person I am today.

During this time I've made quite a few new acquaitances, and I have tried my best to make them without the help of my masks. I have succeded as well - when my husband returned home and met with a friend I made during his absence, I noticed that there weren't that big a clash between the mask I wear with his and the mask I wear with her. It's strange, but a welcome feeling.

Household chores

I was always the lazy kid. I never cleaned my room. I've had piles upon piles of stuff lying on the floor because I "simply" cannot see where it all should go.

I never knew this could be connected with my now-apparent autism. Zosia Zaks writes in her book Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Autistic Adults that this is normal for some autistics;

While not everyone on the autism spectrum has trouble getting and staying organized, many of us have a tough time creating a comfortable place to live. (p. 27)

She continues:

Some autistic people have difficulty managing all the tasks that go into maintaining a home. What has to be done first? Where do you begin?
[...]
Autistic people may also have trouble sorting different objects in the home. For example, we may not realize that the enormous pile of "stuff" on the bed can be broken down into separate piles of clothes, books, papers, and trash, and therefore managed more easily. It may be difficult to sort and control things that arrive in the home, with newspapers winding up all over the place and packages left by the door for weeks. It may not be obvious where to store items either.
[...]
Well-meaning non-autistic friends or relatives can inadvertently put pressure on us or assume we are lazy, in fact, we may have be having serious trouble caring for our living quarters, futher fueling a sense of frustration. (p. 28-29)

All this is true for me. I seem incapable of sorting my stuff and as a result, there are books piled on the floor, DVDs by the computer screen (even though we have a perfectly funtioning DVD-shelf). Things pile up. Easily.

I've referred to myself as well-functioning in the past. I still think I am. To a certain point. The truth of the matter is that I, as said previously, function very well "in my own environment". This includes, but is not limited to, that I have a wonderful husband who take on a lot of chores (and leaves me with a very guilty conscience) as well as a mother who feeds me while he's away.

Still, it's not all that easy. Some say that what differ most autistics from those with Asperger's is that aspies have a "want" for a social life. We want relationships. We want friends. But it's kinda hard to invite someone over when your house looks like something out of movie dealing with what happens after the zombie-invasion and your house could be a set.

Presumptions, assumptions

Well, when you say how hard it is for you to talk to people, and to make friends, it's interesting that you're married and everything. Obviously it's great, too. But it's interesting.

This comment was in my inbox a few days ago, from an entry I made in my LiveJournal with the letter I received from the psychologist a saw last week about Asperger's.

To be honest, I don't know how to make this entry. I don't know how to write an entry on how on earth I can be married. It is true that many autistic people do not marry. I'm not going to say that the majority of autistics won't marry because there seems to be more highh-functioning autistics than we know - more and more people, old and young, get a diagnosis.

So, on the topic of me and my marriage versus friends. I do have problems making, but even more so, keeping friends. The psychologist asked me about that - despite my urge to have a close friends, I seem unable to commit to a relationship on the same level as the people I make friends with. Either I'm yearning too much to be open and have girl-talks (you know, the kind you see in Hollywood movies) or I'm too withdrawn and insecure. Either way, I seem to scare people off. I am very very demanding. I demand that people treat me with the same kind of respect I show them - especially when it comes to giving and taking and showing up for appointments on time. As many, if not most autistics, I have a very deep-set black and white-thinking. I shouldn't blame the problems I have with making and keeping friends on my way of thinking and perceiving things, but it'd also be wrong to simply dismiss it. It is too set in my being to just shrug it off.

As much as I'd like a simple way to explain my marriage and the wonderfulness that is my husband, I don't think I can. Although he is most likely not autistic, we share some traits. Despite my urge to make social, I can also enjoy just spending time at home, in peace and quite (making social can drain me completely, resulting in low energy and migraines). He has always (as far as I know) been withdrawn. It's not that he can't have fun with friends, but most of the time he prefers to stay at home gaming and being a geek.

Other than that, he's the person I've been able to open up to the most in all of my life. He knows my ins and outs, my most shameful secrets and good qualities. And he has never judged me. Even when I make terrible mistakes, he's there to pick me up again.

Exactly why we got together, and have stayed together for five years, I don't know. Maybe I just met him at a time in my life where I was so desperate to fit in, have friends and live the perfect life. Maybe that desperation made me give it my all and make it work.

Marriage between NTs and autistics supposedly have an even bigger chance of not working out. Everyone says it's more work than "normal" marriages. Maybe it is. maybe it isn't. It's a bit too easy to say that autistics don't marry. That they can't have friends. It sounds more than just a bit like a cliché, but "we are just like you". We just work a bit differently.