After realizing I need help with social anxiety in July, I've started taking anti-depressants, and had my doctor refer me for an assessment for Asperger's Syndrome.
I had the first meeting today, and I think I'll get the diagnose. Since I was there, I also did a test for depression, and the psychologist said that I would score high in a few sections due to Asperger's, so she must see that I have it.
Showing posts with label autism/asperger's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label autism/asperger's. Show all posts
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
To challenge a culture
Most of the time, I am too late in my readings and responses to be an "active part" of the autism blogging community. Neither does it help that my blog is most often read by people who search Google for keywords like "asperger no life" and "asperger never marry". Fact.
But today I came over an interesting blog entry, made by abfh, which mentions a comment Amanda made where she explain the use of the word meltdown in the autistic community. To prove a point, she quotes part of her comment;
I would never attempt to join a culture and then say within a few years of joining it, that the culture's longstanding words are inappropriate and just now being defined, just because the wider community doesn't know them yet.
I can agree to what Amanda is saying, but at the same time, I think it can be dangerous for any culture or group of people to never be challenged on their use of words, their paradigms, and such. If we never challenge what is already set in stone, there can be no evolution and no future for the culture. And to provide an image for this as I believe many people know, who's to say there is no black swan?
Amanda makes many very good arguments as to why it should be called a 'meltdown'. The argument that stands out to me is one she used in another comment, where she says that the use of these words ('meltdown', 'shutdown') came about because one did not want to use the clinical words used by professionals.
That, to me, says a lot. A culture will always have its own words. Some people call this slang. That the autistic community, not just online, use their own words for the feelings and situations, means that there is indeed a community, and a vibrant one at that. The argument over these words and the connotations they bring about is also a healthy sign. What, perhaps, is not as healthy, is when people say others are not as involved in the culture as others, and thus cannot voice their opinion.
It's not about the validity of the online autistic community, as abhf says, because we know the autistic online (and offline) community to be very valid. Not only just by what it can achieve when it comes to lobbying and "getting things done", but because it is a community, a culture, that cares greatly about itself and its members.
As a newcomer here, myself, I would like to think that I am just as welcome as a person who has known about her autism for 10 years, or, her entire life. Abhf made a parallel to the gay/LGBT community, which has faced criticism due to conformism, and thus I find his parallel to be a good one. Especially is the case here is that one has to conform into the culture adopted by many, rejected by a few.
The choice to use the Rainbow Infinity Symbol as a symbol of "pro-autism", and not the puzzle piece, has been an active choice in the autistic community. As the symbol represent, among other things, the spectrum of autism through the different colors (the differences in our symptoms), it can also represents the difference in our opinion about our culture. As I have previously mentioned, all cultures change. All paradigms are challenged. The Rainbow Infinity Symbol shows this never-ending cycle.
But today I came over an interesting blog entry, made by abfh, which mentions a comment Amanda made where she explain the use of the word meltdown in the autistic community. To prove a point, she quotes part of her comment;
I would never attempt to join a culture and then say within a few years of joining it, that the culture's longstanding words are inappropriate and just now being defined, just because the wider community doesn't know them yet.
I can agree to what Amanda is saying, but at the same time, I think it can be dangerous for any culture or group of people to never be challenged on their use of words, their paradigms, and such. If we never challenge what is already set in stone, there can be no evolution and no future for the culture. And to provide an image for this as I believe many people know, who's to say there is no black swan?
Amanda makes many very good arguments as to why it should be called a 'meltdown'. The argument that stands out to me is one she used in another comment, where she says that the use of these words ('meltdown', 'shutdown') came about because one did not want to use the clinical words used by professionals.
That, to me, says a lot. A culture will always have its own words. Some people call this slang. That the autistic community, not just online, use their own words for the feelings and situations, means that there is indeed a community, and a vibrant one at that. The argument over these words and the connotations they bring about is also a healthy sign. What, perhaps, is not as healthy, is when people say others are not as involved in the culture as others, and thus cannot voice their opinion.
It's not about the validity of the online autistic community, as abhf says, because we know the autistic online (and offline) community to be very valid. Not only just by what it can achieve when it comes to lobbying and "getting things done", but because it is a community, a culture, that cares greatly about itself and its members.
As a newcomer here, myself, I would like to think that I am just as welcome as a person who has known about her autism for 10 years, or, her entire life. Abhf made a parallel to the gay/LGBT community, which has faced criticism due to conformism, and thus I find his parallel to be a good one. Especially is the case here is that one has to conform into the culture adopted by many, rejected by a few.
The choice to use the Rainbow Infinity Symbol as a symbol of "pro-autism", and not the puzzle piece, has been an active choice in the autistic community. As the symbol represent, among other things, the spectrum of autism through the different colors (the differences in our symptoms), it can also represents the difference in our opinion about our culture. As I have previously mentioned, all cultures change. All paradigms are challenged. The Rainbow Infinity Symbol shows this never-ending cycle.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Learned Empathy
I remember when I was growing up in the mid-to-late 90's, there was a heavy emphasis on EQ, or Emotional Intelligence.
Not fitting in with my peers, I become very interested in this EQ-thing, as well as quasi-psychology as Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It was the only thing I knew that could help me understand others, although I don't think the book was meant for, or written about, 10 year olds.
Looking back at it now, I can see it as a "symptom", if you will. Since I was not able to make and keep friends through normal means, I made my peers into "lab rats" and applied the theories I read in the books. It did not really help.
At the time, when EQ was very much in the limelight, I remember not feeling I "fit" with how one should be, EQ-wise. I felt that I did not fit the shape making out "a good person". In 1990, EQ was defined as "the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions.". Read that again, and think of the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Syndrom.
I tried so hard to get a high EQ-score in the tests published in women's magazines. After taking a few, I saw a pattern and adapted my score, manipulating it, if you will, to be able to "brag" about my high scores. I learnt, through these tests and articles, how a "normal person" felt, thought, behaved and treated others. It's a lesson that has stuck with me through my life since then, making me the person I am today, through constant manipulation of my thoughts, feelings and behavior against others.
When I first started reading about Asperger's Syndrome, and autism, I was very against the idea that all autistics have problems with empathy. I still do, in a way, due to the notion that every autistic is different. What I had problems understanding is that there is a fine line between empathy and sympathy.
While empathy is the ability to recognize or understand other people's state of mind or emotion, and what is talked about as being able to "put one self in another person's shoes", sympathy is defined as concern and sorrow for another person's situation or misfortune. The idea that autistics lack empathy is known as Theory of Mind; the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.
Looking at it now, a couple of months on, and with new experiences and understandings of myself as well as autism, I can see that I do not employ this theory of mind. Most of the time I am able to "use" it through the things I have learns about other people, feelings and "common courtesy", but when I'm stressed out, angry and panicked, I catch myself speaking and acting out my true feelings.
One of my greater flaws is my perfectionism. Although I can be very hard on myself to be as perfect as possible, I might be even harder with others, be it the mailman who is an hour late, or a salesperson in a store I gone to to get something I simply must have straight away (yet another flaw, my impatience).
Being able to recognize this flaw, and putting in the context of autism, I see that it is not simply that I am unreasonable, although I clearly am, but it's an unreasonableness I cannot help. The unreasonableness is a product of my lack of empathy, and I have to stop and think about it when I've calmed myself down that maybe, just maybe, this person cannot really do anything more than she or he already is. That is no excuse, thought, because now that I am aware of it, it is something I can work on.
Not fitting in with my peers, I become very interested in this EQ-thing, as well as quasi-psychology as Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It was the only thing I knew that could help me understand others, although I don't think the book was meant for, or written about, 10 year olds.
Looking back at it now, I can see it as a "symptom", if you will. Since I was not able to make and keep friends through normal means, I made my peers into "lab rats" and applied the theories I read in the books. It did not really help.
At the time, when EQ was very much in the limelight, I remember not feeling I "fit" with how one should be, EQ-wise. I felt that I did not fit the shape making out "a good person". In 1990, EQ was defined as "the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions.". Read that again, and think of the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Syndrom.
I tried so hard to get a high EQ-score in the tests published in women's magazines. After taking a few, I saw a pattern and adapted my score, manipulating it, if you will, to be able to "brag" about my high scores. I learnt, through these tests and articles, how a "normal person" felt, thought, behaved and treated others. It's a lesson that has stuck with me through my life since then, making me the person I am today, through constant manipulation of my thoughts, feelings and behavior against others.
When I first started reading about Asperger's Syndrome, and autism, I was very against the idea that all autistics have problems with empathy. I still do, in a way, due to the notion that every autistic is different. What I had problems understanding is that there is a fine line between empathy and sympathy.
While empathy is the ability to recognize or understand other people's state of mind or emotion, and what is talked about as being able to "put one self in another person's shoes", sympathy is defined as concern and sorrow for another person's situation or misfortune. The idea that autistics lack empathy is known as Theory of Mind; the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.
Looking at it now, a couple of months on, and with new experiences and understandings of myself as well as autism, I can see that I do not employ this theory of mind. Most of the time I am able to "use" it through the things I have learns about other people, feelings and "common courtesy", but when I'm stressed out, angry and panicked, I catch myself speaking and acting out my true feelings.
One of my greater flaws is my perfectionism. Although I can be very hard on myself to be as perfect as possible, I might be even harder with others, be it the mailman who is an hour late, or a salesperson in a store I gone to to get something I simply must have straight away (yet another flaw, my impatience).
Being able to recognize this flaw, and putting in the context of autism, I see that it is not simply that I am unreasonable, although I clearly am, but it's an unreasonableness I cannot help. The unreasonableness is a product of my lack of empathy, and I have to stop and think about it when I've calmed myself down that maybe, just maybe, this person cannot really do anything more than she or he already is. That is no excuse, thought, because now that I am aware of it, it is something I can work on.
Monday, July 14, 2008
New books
I received two new books in the mail today, which my husband ordered for me a week ago from Amazon. I was starting to worry that they would not get here before we leave for vacation on Thursday, but they did, so now I've got something to read.
The first is Survival Strategies for People on the Autism Spectrum by Marc Fleicher. It's a "self-help guide for autistic teenagers and adults" that will "help readers improve their quality of life and overcome everyday challenges". The table of context has chapters like The Worry of the 'What If?' Scenario, Rules of Socialising and Dealing with Uncertainty.
The second is Ask and Tell: Self-Advocacy and Disclosure for People on the Autism Spectrum with foreword by Temple Grandin and edited by Stephen M. Shore. It contains articles by people like Ruth Elaine Joyner Hane (Communicating Through Advocacy and Self-Disclosure: Four Ways to Connect) and Liane Holliday Willey (Disclosure and Self-Advocacy: An Open Door Policy).
I hope these books can come in handy; I've been in contact with two men online. One is 28 and has been mis-diagnosed in the past, but got the diagnosis of Asperger's five years ago. The other is 46 and just this spring received his diagnosis. They're both dealing with how to tell others (family and friends, and potential employers and others who will need to know) about their autism. A thread was dedicated to how to be open about the diagnosis on an online message board and we've talked a bit about it there, sharing experiences and worries. I recommeded Coming out Asperger, and they've both bought that one in Norwegian. One of the men also bought a book on Asperger's and employment, but I'm unsure which as he didn't mention the author's name.
Have you read any good books and autism lately? Care to share a few titles?
The first is Survival Strategies for People on the Autism Spectrum by Marc Fleicher. It's a "self-help guide for autistic teenagers and adults" that will "help readers improve their quality of life and overcome everyday challenges". The table of context has chapters like The Worry of the 'What If?' Scenario, Rules of Socialising and Dealing with Uncertainty.
The second is Ask and Tell: Self-Advocacy and Disclosure for People on the Autism Spectrum with foreword by Temple Grandin and edited by Stephen M. Shore. It contains articles by people like Ruth Elaine Joyner Hane (Communicating Through Advocacy and Self-Disclosure: Four Ways to Connect) and Liane Holliday Willey (Disclosure and Self-Advocacy: An Open Door Policy).
I hope these books can come in handy; I've been in contact with two men online. One is 28 and has been mis-diagnosed in the past, but got the diagnosis of Asperger's five years ago. The other is 46 and just this spring received his diagnosis. They're both dealing with how to tell others (family and friends, and potential employers and others who will need to know) about their autism. A thread was dedicated to how to be open about the diagnosis on an online message board and we've talked a bit about it there, sharing experiences and worries. I recommeded Coming out Asperger, and they've both bought that one in Norwegian. One of the men also bought a book on Asperger's and employment, but I'm unsure which as he didn't mention the author's name.
Have you read any good books and autism lately? Care to share a few titles?
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Asperger's Syndrome in Adults - link
I know I keep sharing links with you all, but I happen to stumble upon several good sites or blogs these days. I hope you don't mind.
This has been lying in my RSS-feeder for some time now. My initial thoughts were to comment some of the stuff it mentions, like - symptoms in adults. But, I assume such an entry would be me repeating my symptoms, and I don't think that is necessary?
However, I do find it refreshing when someone writes about autism in adults, and I'm glad someone does it. It's hard finding good information on that subject, and even more so on autistic women.
This has been lying in my RSS-feeder for some time now. My initial thoughts were to comment some of the stuff it mentions, like - symptoms in adults. But, I assume such an entry would be me repeating my symptoms, and I don't think that is necessary?
However, I do find it refreshing when someone writes about autism in adults, and I'm glad someone does it. It's hard finding good information on that subject, and even more so on autistic women.
Video and update
This old post barely touching the subject, and I still think she's better at explaining. I suggest you watch the video.
In other news;
I seem to be one of the statistics. One of those 13.5%.
I saw a doctor today, to receive a diagnosis of social anxiety. After turning of the TV, closing the door to the garden and then hiding behind the bed when the bell rang yesterday, I realized I cannot go on like this. Of course, there are other things as well - waiting to check the mail till the neighsbors are nowhere in sight, not being able to be outside as long as the neighbors can see me, trouble going to the store on my own, et cetera, et cetera. The list goes on.
The doctor was very kind, and agreed with my own conclusion. I had blood drawn just to make sure there's nothing else going on that could give the same symptoms (which I pretty much doubt).
I did not inform her of having Asperger's. I'm going back in August, unless there's something wrong with my blood tests, to talk about what to do now - therapy, group therapy and/or medication. I'm opting for the latter + sessions with the uni psychologist and/or group therapy. That'll be the time to bring up the AS, I think, as that'd the underlying cause as far as I can tell.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Whoa, feelings
Feelings
Whoa, feelings
Whoa, feelings
Get out of my life
Remember that song by Offspring? I suddenly got stuck in my head this morning while I was lying in bed, pondering on this with feelings.
After the test I took last week, I have started to come to the realization that I am very much not on touch with my feelings. Don't read that as if I do not have feelings, because I do - and lots of them, too. My body knows my feelings, but my mind does not. A recent example is a fight I had with my mom where I stared crying, and I did not know I was going to, and did not really register that I did at first. My body is great at letting the world know what I'm feeling. I can begin to cry without "feeling" anything before it happens. When I am poorly, my voice gets slightly whiny, and I have a hard time controlling it.
This is what I do not get with other people - why do they seem so content (which I've learn means 'in a state of peaceful happiness') all the time when my body reveals more or less anything that goes on inside?
To me it seems like other people are not feeling anything at all, and that they are the ones with a "problem" since I have no idea what is going on inside them since their bodies do not act as mine does. I have learned to read body language, at least a bit. I know when my husband has to go to the bathroom, for one. But other than that, I am clueless.
After denying for months that autistics does not have Theory of Mind, and that we do have empathy, I have finally understood it - after lots of reading. I think I have been so dead set against those ideas because I have thought it to mean that we are stupid, or bad people, or... something. But it does not. Just as I have problems understanding whatever is going on inside me, we have problems relating to what others could be feeling right now unless they strongly let us know, either through words or bodily functions like crying. Of course, such actions require that we act, and that is a whole other problem, is it not?
As always, I am unable to follow a blog post through, and offer a conclusion. However, again, that is not really my aim for this blog *wink*
Whoa, feelings
Whoa, feelings
Get out of my life
Remember that song by Offspring? I suddenly got stuck in my head this morning while I was lying in bed, pondering on this with feelings.
After the test I took last week, I have started to come to the realization that I am very much not on touch with my feelings. Don't read that as if I do not have feelings, because I do - and lots of them, too. My body knows my feelings, but my mind does not. A recent example is a fight I had with my mom where I stared crying, and I did not know I was going to, and did not really register that I did at first. My body is great at letting the world know what I'm feeling. I can begin to cry without "feeling" anything before it happens. When I am poorly, my voice gets slightly whiny, and I have a hard time controlling it.
This is what I do not get with other people - why do they seem so content (which I've learn means 'in a state of peaceful happiness') all the time when my body reveals more or less anything that goes on inside?
To me it seems like other people are not feeling anything at all, and that they are the ones with a "problem" since I have no idea what is going on inside them since their bodies do not act as mine does. I have learned to read body language, at least a bit. I know when my husband has to go to the bathroom, for one. But other than that, I am clueless.
After denying for months that autistics does not have Theory of Mind, and that we do have empathy, I have finally understood it - after lots of reading. I think I have been so dead set against those ideas because I have thought it to mean that we are stupid, or bad people, or... something. But it does not. Just as I have problems understanding whatever is going on inside me, we have problems relating to what others could be feeling right now unless they strongly let us know, either through words or bodily functions like crying. Of course, such actions require that we act, and that is a whole other problem, is it not?
As always, I am unable to follow a blog post through, and offer a conclusion. However, again, that is not really my aim for this blog *wink*
Friday, June 27, 2008
Yes, I am awfully slow in updating about the things I say I'll update about. At the end of the spring semester, I said I had a lot of blog entries in my RSS-feeder, that I'd read through them, and then give my opinion on things presented in those blogs. A few weeks on, and I still have done so.
Masks - oh dear
"Now, I want to get rid of them. Partly because they are so hard to maintain, I have to remember all these masks for so many different people, it gets too tiring, and very stressful when I have to deal with two people who are usually not seen together – I have to mix their individual masks and come up with a super mask that fits both people in that situation."
This rings so true! I've done this for as long as I can remember. A lot of this has had to do with my family. As I might, and might not have mentioned before, my family has never allowed for any feelings to be exhibited, for anything "bad" to be out in the open, and any mental issues or disabilities, like Asperger's, would simply not be accepted. This is why I've never stood up for myself when it comes to all the years I've been, often severely, depressed. Neither have I told my mom about me having Asperger's. I'm not sure I ever will.
More specifically, I've had masks for different people all my life. This has to do with my family situation, as I've indicated above. There's one mask for acquaintances, one for my mom, one for my husband, and so on. It has to be mentioned that my husband is silently and carefully pulling the mask further and further over my head, almost removing it completely. I think this is a good thing, but at the same time, I need these masks in order to function. I've blogged about this previously, a few months back, on how I function very well when it's on "my terms".
Masks are, for me, tightly intertwined with the need to mentally prepare for situations, people and possible conversations. Different people require different masks. If I am to talk to a person working in the uni administration, I need to plan for what to say - in which order should I make my needs be known? How can I best explain what I need help with? This preparation calls for a strong and confident mask.
Preparation for lectures and seminars is sort of similar. It's not good, I know, but I prepare for lectures and seminars by sitting next to someone I know will be prone to throwing their hands in the air to answer questions. Sitting next to someone like that will, most likely, have as a consequence that I will not be asked any questions.
"I have decided that this year, I want to make a fresh start."
This is definitely easier said than done.
After becoming aware of my Asperger's, I've felt more confident in myself than ever before. My entire life, I've kept in the shadows, always being the good girl who does what she's told. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but this good girl-syndrome has kept me in a place where I've never wanted to stand up for myself.
Finding out about being on the spectrum coincided, time-wise, with having to be on my own for 6-7 months. During this time I have had to be my own advocate. It's been hard, but it's been necessary, both for practical reasons and for becoming the person I am today.
During this time I've made quite a few new acquaitances, and I have tried my best to make them without the help of my masks. I have succeded as well - when my husband returned home and met with a friend I made during his absence, I noticed that there weren't that big a clash between the mask I wear with his and the mask I wear with her. It's strange, but a welcome feeling.
Masks - oh dear
"Now, I want to get rid of them. Partly because they are so hard to maintain, I have to remember all these masks for so many different people, it gets too tiring, and very stressful when I have to deal with two people who are usually not seen together – I have to mix their individual masks and come up with a super mask that fits both people in that situation."
This rings so true! I've done this for as long as I can remember. A lot of this has had to do with my family. As I might, and might not have mentioned before, my family has never allowed for any feelings to be exhibited, for anything "bad" to be out in the open, and any mental issues or disabilities, like Asperger's, would simply not be accepted. This is why I've never stood up for myself when it comes to all the years I've been, often severely, depressed. Neither have I told my mom about me having Asperger's. I'm not sure I ever will.
More specifically, I've had masks for different people all my life. This has to do with my family situation, as I've indicated above. There's one mask for acquaintances, one for my mom, one for my husband, and so on. It has to be mentioned that my husband is silently and carefully pulling the mask further and further over my head, almost removing it completely. I think this is a good thing, but at the same time, I need these masks in order to function. I've blogged about this previously, a few months back, on how I function very well when it's on "my terms".
Masks are, for me, tightly intertwined with the need to mentally prepare for situations, people and possible conversations. Different people require different masks. If I am to talk to a person working in the uni administration, I need to plan for what to say - in which order should I make my needs be known? How can I best explain what I need help with? This preparation calls for a strong and confident mask.
Preparation for lectures and seminars is sort of similar. It's not good, I know, but I prepare for lectures and seminars by sitting next to someone I know will be prone to throwing their hands in the air to answer questions. Sitting next to someone like that will, most likely, have as a consequence that I will not be asked any questions.
"I have decided that this year, I want to make a fresh start."
This is definitely easier said than done.
After becoming aware of my Asperger's, I've felt more confident in myself than ever before. My entire life, I've kept in the shadows, always being the good girl who does what she's told. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but this good girl-syndrome has kept me in a place where I've never wanted to stand up for myself.
Finding out about being on the spectrum coincided, time-wise, with having to be on my own for 6-7 months. During this time I have had to be my own advocate. It's been hard, but it's been necessary, both for practical reasons and for becoming the person I am today.
During this time I've made quite a few new acquaitances, and I have tried my best to make them without the help of my masks. I have succeded as well - when my husband returned home and met with a friend I made during his absence, I noticed that there weren't that big a clash between the mask I wear with his and the mask I wear with her. It's strange, but a welcome feeling.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
This and That - nothing much to update about
If you are a recurring guest here, in my blog, you might have noticed the stat counter I've places on the right hand side. It's interesting, in a way - the first few days after I added it, the number of visits was to be expected; a few each day. But, after I merged this blog with my other one and changed the name on my profile, or, "stopped hiding", it's gotten quite a few unique hits as well as recurring visitors. The blog also gets quite a few page reloads - and I can say, not all of them are mine...
The question remains as to why.
* I haven't written any new posts since last Wednesday.
* The last post wasn't a comment to any news article about going-ons in the autistic society - it was on Autistic Pride Day, and a short one at that.
* I don't advertise for this blog anywhere. It's linked to from a couple of profiles on a few message boards, but I doubt that's where the traffic is coming from.
* I haven't posted a comment anywhere, linking to it.
If you're one of these visitors (which you must be since you're reading this right now), please indulge me and tell me how you found me. Do you follow me on a regular basis?
In other news, there are no other news. Life is slowly going by and nothing much happens. We (my husband and I) attended a wedding last Saturday. I'd been a bit anxious about the dinner and party due to social issues. They pretty much came true - I had a hard time "small talking" when my husband wasn't there (he had a flu and came and left the room "as it pleased" him - bless him, he wasn't feeling good), but that was to be expected. My initial problems making social is when no one initiates it. I can small talk, but only if someone talks to me first. The conversations usually die down pretty fast, as they did on Saturday; someone asks me how long I've known the bride, we talk a bit about that. Then they ask what I study in uni, I tell them. And then it goes silent. I have no idea how to ask something back. They usually leave at that point. I don't blame them.
At Aspies for Freedom, there is a new thread on recommendations of books on autism. So far non-fiction books were recommended, but today when I checked the thread, someone had recommended The Speed of Dark, which is a sci-fi book set somewhere in the future where a cure for autism has been found. It can only be used on babies, but a cure for adults are about to be found, and the main character is given the opportunity to take it. I've added it to my wishlist there as I am in desperate need for something to read and because it sounds very, very interesting. And, since I'm rude and all that, here is a link to my wishlist. If nothing else, I have a wide range of autism books on there - maybe you'll find something you want to read. Although the book is no longer on my wish list (since I got it), I can highly recommend Unstrange Minds - Remapping the World of Autism. It offers a "history" of autism - from when it was first "discovered" by Kanner and Asperger, how it was viewed as a form of schizophrenia, how autistics were treated, but also a good insight into how a few selected countries view autism today. It also explains why there is no "autism epidemic". A good read. Get it today.
The question remains as to why.
* I haven't written any new posts since last Wednesday.
* The last post wasn't a comment to any news article about going-ons in the autistic society - it was on Autistic Pride Day, and a short one at that.
* I don't advertise for this blog anywhere. It's linked to from a couple of profiles on a few message boards, but I doubt that's where the traffic is coming from.
* I haven't posted a comment anywhere, linking to it.
If you're one of these visitors (which you must be since you're reading this right now), please indulge me and tell me how you found me. Do you follow me on a regular basis?
In other news, there are no other news. Life is slowly going by and nothing much happens. We (my husband and I) attended a wedding last Saturday. I'd been a bit anxious about the dinner and party due to social issues. They pretty much came true - I had a hard time "small talking" when my husband wasn't there (he had a flu and came and left the room "as it pleased" him - bless him, he wasn't feeling good), but that was to be expected. My initial problems making social is when no one initiates it. I can small talk, but only if someone talks to me first. The conversations usually die down pretty fast, as they did on Saturday; someone asks me how long I've known the bride, we talk a bit about that. Then they ask what I study in uni, I tell them. And then it goes silent. I have no idea how to ask something back. They usually leave at that point. I don't blame them.
At Aspies for Freedom, there is a new thread on recommendations of books on autism. So far non-fiction books were recommended, but today when I checked the thread, someone had recommended The Speed of Dark, which is a sci-fi book set somewhere in the future where a cure for autism has been found. It can only be used on babies, but a cure for adults are about to be found, and the main character is given the opportunity to take it. I've added it to my wishlist there as I am in desperate need for something to read and because it sounds very, very interesting. And, since I'm rude and all that, here is a link to my wishlist. If nothing else, I have a wide range of autism books on there - maybe you'll find something you want to read. Although the book is no longer on my wish list (since I got it), I can highly recommend Unstrange Minds - Remapping the World of Autism. It offers a "history" of autism - from when it was first "discovered" by Kanner and Asperger, how it was viewed as a form of schizophrenia, how autistics were treated, but also a good insight into how a few selected countries view autism today. It also explains why there is no "autism epidemic". A good read. Get it today.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Meeting others on the spectrum
I think one of the most common 'fears' of those self-diagnosed, or "self-dx'ed" if you will, is the fear of thinking you're just imagining this, you're not really autistic, and it's just something you've made up to cover up something else. It certainly has been for me, although the semi-official diagnosis on Feb. 11, 2008 has made me feel more certain that I'm an indeed right.
Others have said it before me, and I'll say it here - meeting others on the spectrum, either with or without an official diagnosis might help you figure out in which camp you belong.
This spring I was fortunate enough to find a group of parents of kids recently diagnosed as Aspergic. Originally consisting of parents from a nearby municipality, I was accepted to a meeting as the first autistic person (although the parents often have traits themselves). After being very nervous in the car, I was happy to learn that these people were all great, and they made me feel very welcome and needed - they asked me questions and were genuinely interested (as far as I can tell). So far I've met these people thrice - two times in one of the homes, once at a café, with only two of them.
I've also been a part of two meetings consisting of auties only. One should think that in an area of a mere 181 000 people it'd be "hard" finding others on the spectrum. So far I have a confirmed number of 7, and I suspect two students on campus that I've run into (who seem clearly autistic), a professor who can be nothing but, and a few more.
Meeting these people has proven a very valid point, one that I cannot stress enough; each autistic is as different from each other as each NT is different from every other NT. What we have in common is certain traits. It's no use trying to compare us, and say that one cannot be autistic because she is not interested in the same things as he is. The traits that makes us autistic varies in severity, making us different and faceted people. It has also showed me that I have found my camp, no matter how many times I'll have to endure comments like "you're not autistic - you can talk!" and "you seem so outgoing!".
Others have said it before me, and I'll say it here - meeting others on the spectrum, either with or without an official diagnosis might help you figure out in which camp you belong.
This spring I was fortunate enough to find a group of parents of kids recently diagnosed as Aspergic. Originally consisting of parents from a nearby municipality, I was accepted to a meeting as the first autistic person (although the parents often have traits themselves). After being very nervous in the car, I was happy to learn that these people were all great, and they made me feel very welcome and needed - they asked me questions and were genuinely interested (as far as I can tell). So far I've met these people thrice - two times in one of the homes, once at a café, with only two of them.
I've also been a part of two meetings consisting of auties only. One should think that in an area of a mere 181 000 people it'd be "hard" finding others on the spectrum. So far I have a confirmed number of 7, and I suspect two students on campus that I've run into (who seem clearly autistic), a professor who can be nothing but, and a few more.
Meeting these people has proven a very valid point, one that I cannot stress enough; each autistic is as different from each other as each NT is different from every other NT. What we have in common is certain traits. It's no use trying to compare us, and say that one cannot be autistic because she is not interested in the same things as he is. The traits that makes us autistic varies in severity, making us different and faceted people. It has also showed me that I have found my camp, no matter how many times I'll have to endure comments like "you're not autistic - you can talk!" and "you seem so outgoing!".
Friday, April 25, 2008
Intelligence - what ever that is.
Wow! Almost two weeks without a single post! Even though this blog is for myself and my own "exploration" of being Asperger, I hope someone's missed me and/or my posts.
Either way... Lately I've seen the subject of intelligence pop up on different message boards dealing with Asperger's. Now, I know scientists like Atwood says that Aspergers have "no delay in cognitive development" and "normal to above normal" intelligence (if I remember correctly, an IQ of 70 or less would indicate that you are "mentally challenged" or whatever the political correct word today is).
However, what I've noticed is that whenever this comes up in debates, be it on how you scored on tests during assessment or other times your IQ was measured, the Aspies reveal themselves to be one of the "above normal".
I'm not trying to say that they're lying, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only "dumb" Aspie out there. I've never had an intelligence test, but I doubt I'd score all that high. While we're being truthful here, I'm scared of having one because I dread the potential outcome. To be completely honest, I feel dumb. Thick. Stupid. And such words. I've never been good at math or exhibited other stereotypical intelligent-Aspie traits. I'm not gifted in any way. And the things I'm "good" at, well, I'm not really good at them. Not like other Aspies describe themselves to be.
I'm not going anywhere with this, I just have to get this out.
Either way... Lately I've seen the subject of intelligence pop up on different message boards dealing with Asperger's. Now, I know scientists like Atwood says that Aspergers have "no delay in cognitive development" and "normal to above normal" intelligence (if I remember correctly, an IQ of 70 or less would indicate that you are "mentally challenged" or whatever the political correct word today is).
However, what I've noticed is that whenever this comes up in debates, be it on how you scored on tests during assessment or other times your IQ was measured, the Aspies reveal themselves to be one of the "above normal".
I'm not trying to say that they're lying, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only "dumb" Aspie out there. I've never had an intelligence test, but I doubt I'd score all that high. While we're being truthful here, I'm scared of having one because I dread the potential outcome. To be completely honest, I feel dumb. Thick. Stupid. And such words. I've never been good at math or exhibited other stereotypical intelligent-Aspie traits. I'm not gifted in any way. And the things I'm "good" at, well, I'm not really good at them. Not like other Aspies describe themselves to be.
I'm not going anywhere with this, I just have to get this out.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
A whole new way
Lately I've been so social I find myself more and more exhausted. It's resulting in problems with the phone. I struggle to answer the phone on the best of days; I can talk on the phone with my husband (who's currently in another country) and some acquaintances (however, I don't like it).
It's turning into a problem because I have had several calls towards the end of the week from people at the student paper I work at. I know they're calling to ask me to step in last minute for some photography, but I've been unable to face not only the call, but them as well; if I had picked up I'd have to make up an excuse for not taking the job.
The question now is how to fix it? I have let it be known that I'm not too keen on phones right from the start, but I don't expect people to remember that. If I'm contacted over e-mail or text message, it's no problem, but... I'm not. I'm debating whether or not to tell about my social anxiety and/or Asperger's. I could say that I don't do phones but people always want a reason why.
It's turning into a problem because I have had several calls towards the end of the week from people at the student paper I work at. I know they're calling to ask me to step in last minute for some photography, but I've been unable to face not only the call, but them as well; if I had picked up I'd have to make up an excuse for not taking the job.
The question now is how to fix it? I have let it be known that I'm not too keen on phones right from the start, but I don't expect people to remember that. If I'm contacted over e-mail or text message, it's no problem, but... I'm not. I'm debating whether or not to tell about my social anxiety and/or Asperger's. I could say that I don't do phones but people always want a reason why.
Friday, March 21, 2008
The colors between the lines
I've only "known" for the last 4 months that I'm somewhere along the autistic spectrum (Asperger's seems to fit the best), and it's only been a little over a month since a professional agreed with me, but during that time I have been very busy "connecting the dots", as you'd say between my behavior (during childhood and now) and my autism. It's not a conscious action, but suddenly I remember things I've done, or, thing people have said I did and see a clear connection at the same time. It's eerie, in a way.
One of the latest two lines between the dots is the mall-meltdown incident I mentioned in the previous post.
The other one is more connected to symptoms of autism; apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals (DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for 299.80 Asperger's Disorder). My mom was, when I was around 6 months old, driving, with me, to the city. The freeway we used has a tunnel. One opening for north-bound traffic, and one for the south-bound traffic. But, this day, there was some maintenance work being done, and one of the directions was closed off, and the traffic was directed into the other opening. I went ballistic. Screamed and kicked and flapped. I'm not saying "normal" kids won't, or can't, respond the same way, but it got me wondering...
One of the latest two lines between the dots is the mall-meltdown incident I mentioned in the previous post.
The other one is more connected to symptoms of autism; apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals (DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for 299.80 Asperger's Disorder). My mom was, when I was around 6 months old, driving, with me, to the city. The freeway we used has a tunnel. One opening for north-bound traffic, and one for the south-bound traffic. But, this day, there was some maintenance work being done, and one of the directions was closed off, and the traffic was directed into the other opening. I went ballistic. Screamed and kicked and flapped. I'm not saying "normal" kids won't, or can't, respond the same way, but it got me wondering...
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Meltdowns, or the lack of
Of course, I cannot for the life of me remember where I read it, but it was yesterday or the day before that I came across a blog entry (I think) where this autistic person said that (s)he had been able to refrain from public meltdowns. Anyone know which one I'm talking about?
As you might or might now know,
I don't recall having had many meltdowns during my childhood. If I did, they were never called meltdowns. I was just a "bad girl who didn't know how to behave". The story that often comes up is that of the 3 year old me at the mall with my mom, "throwing a complete tantrum" so bad my mom had to pick me up and carry me under her arm out of the mall.
Several people describe how their autistic kids can be such angels when they're "in public", yet act as monsters behind closed doors. This was true for me as well, and is something I still do from time to time. I can be nice, civil and polite during "office hours", and then unleash everything once I get home. I'm not easy to live with, I know, and this is something I'm working on. I distincively remember being embarrassed them few time I "lost it", and I think therefore I started to restrict it to when I was home.
Do you think autistics are able to "control themselves" from melting down in public? Are there any gender-differences when it comes to meltdowns? The source I've quoted mentions that autistic adults often get depressed (and 'shut down') instead of melt down. I think this is particularly true for women (not saying it doesn't happen to men). Autistic or not, most "high-functioning" autistics become aware of the effect they have on others on one level or the other some time and begin to "adjust" their behavior. I'm not saying everyone does this, but I know I've done it, and I assume this is very true for the female aspie.
Let's face it. Girls are brought up differently, either the parents admit to it or not. That's just the way it is. Even thought my parents at least tried to give both of us a "gender-less" upbringing, the society we live in made it impossible. If our parents didn't encourage us to be free of gender-presumptions, the school sure as hell didn't. I remember being told that girls should be so and so (nice, polite) and boys could do whatever they wanted. And this is the problem with autism diagnostics today. Because boys are expected to be 'free', it's more "okay" for a boy to have ADHD/autism/whatever, but girls are so played down that most of them tone down their overall behavior + autism don't manifest itself the same way in females. This is a never-ending argument, so I'll just leave it as this; food for thought.
As you might or might now know,
A meltdown is condition where the Aspie temporarily loses control due to emotional responses to environmental factors.
It generally appears that the aspie has lost control over a single and specific issue however this is very rarely the case. Usually, the problem is the cumulation of a number of irritations which could span a fairly long period of time, particularly given the strong long-term memory facilities of the aspie.
[...]
The meltdown appears to most people as a tantrum or dummy spit. There are marked differences between adults and children.
Children tend to flop onto the ground and shout, scream or cry. Quite often, they will display violent behaviour such as hitting or kicking.
(source)
I don't recall having had many meltdowns during my childhood. If I did, they were never called meltdowns. I was just a "bad girl who didn't know how to behave". The story that often comes up is that of the 3 year old me at the mall with my mom, "throwing a complete tantrum" so bad my mom had to pick me up and carry me under her arm out of the mall.
Several people describe how their autistic kids can be such angels when they're "in public", yet act as monsters behind closed doors. This was true for me as well, and is something I still do from time to time. I can be nice, civil and polite during "office hours", and then unleash everything once I get home. I'm not easy to live with, I know, and this is something I'm working on. I distincively remember being embarrassed them few time I "lost it", and I think therefore I started to restrict it to when I was home.
Do you think autistics are able to "control themselves" from melting down in public? Are there any gender-differences when it comes to meltdowns? The source I've quoted mentions that autistic adults often get depressed (and 'shut down') instead of melt down. I think this is particularly true for women (not saying it doesn't happen to men). Autistic or not, most "high-functioning" autistics become aware of the effect they have on others on one level or the other some time and begin to "adjust" their behavior. I'm not saying everyone does this, but I know I've done it, and I assume this is very true for the female aspie.
Let's face it. Girls are brought up differently, either the parents admit to it or not. That's just the way it is. Even thought my parents at least tried to give both of us a "gender-less" upbringing, the society we live in made it impossible. If our parents didn't encourage us to be free of gender-presumptions, the school sure as hell didn't. I remember being told that girls should be so and so (nice, polite) and boys could do whatever they wanted. And this is the problem with autism diagnostics today. Because boys are expected to be 'free', it's more "okay" for a boy to have ADHD/autism/whatever, but girls are so played down that most of them tone down their overall behavior + autism don't manifest itself the same way in females. This is a never-ending argument, so I'll just leave it as this; food for thought.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Household chores
I was always the lazy kid. I never cleaned my room. I've had piles upon piles of stuff lying on the floor because I "simply" cannot see where it all should go.
I never knew this could be connected with my now-apparent autism. Zosia Zaks writes in her book Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Autistic Adults that this is normal for some autistics;
She continues:
All this is true for me. I seem incapable of sorting my stuff and as a result, there are books piled on the floor, DVDs by the computer screen (even though we have a perfectly funtioning DVD-shelf). Things pile up. Easily.
I've referred to myself as well-functioning in the past. I still think I am. To a certain point. The truth of the matter is that I, as said previously, function very well "in my own environment". This includes, but is not limited to, that I have a wonderful husband who take on a lot of chores (and leaves me with a very guilty conscience) as well as a mother who feeds me while he's away.
Still, it's not all that easy. Some say that what differ most autistics from those with Asperger's is that aspies have a "want" for a social life. We want relationships. We want friends. But it's kinda hard to invite someone over when your house looks like something out of movie dealing with what happens after the zombie-invasion and your house could be a set.
I never knew this could be connected with my now-apparent autism. Zosia Zaks writes in her book Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Autistic Adults that this is normal for some autistics;
While not everyone on the autism spectrum has trouble getting and staying organized, many of us have a tough time creating a comfortable place to live. (p. 27)
She continues:
Some autistic people have difficulty managing all the tasks that go into maintaining a home. What has to be done first? Where do you begin?
[...]
Autistic people may also have trouble sorting different objects in the home. For example, we may not realize that the enormous pile of "stuff" on the bed can be broken down into separate piles of clothes, books, papers, and trash, and therefore managed more easily. It may be difficult to sort and control things that arrive in the home, with newspapers winding up all over the place and packages left by the door for weeks. It may not be obvious where to store items either.
[...]
Well-meaning non-autistic friends or relatives can inadvertently put pressure on us or assume we are lazy, in fact, we may have be having serious trouble caring for our living quarters, futher fueling a sense of frustration. (p. 28-29)
All this is true for me. I seem incapable of sorting my stuff and as a result, there are books piled on the floor, DVDs by the computer screen (even though we have a perfectly funtioning DVD-shelf). Things pile up. Easily.
I've referred to myself as well-functioning in the past. I still think I am. To a certain point. The truth of the matter is that I, as said previously, function very well "in my own environment". This includes, but is not limited to, that I have a wonderful husband who take on a lot of chores (and leaves me with a very guilty conscience) as well as a mother who feeds me while he's away.
Still, it's not all that easy. Some say that what differ most autistics from those with Asperger's is that aspies have a "want" for a social life. We want relationships. We want friends. But it's kinda hard to invite someone over when your house looks like something out of movie dealing with what happens after the zombie-invasion and your house could be a set.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
The Question
The psychologist asked me if I thought I would have had an easier life if the diagnosis had been made earlier, in my childhood.
Yes: I would have had the right to get help for living with th condition.
No: I would easily have been labeled and maybe not "expected" to make it as far as I've done.
I'm having a hard time choose. I didn't give him a satisfactory answer.
Yes: I would have had the right to get help for living with th condition.
No: I would easily have been labeled and maybe not "expected" to make it as far as I've done.
I'm having a hard time choose. I didn't give him a satisfactory answer.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Thet extra little second
It's peculiar how much I've grown accustomed to the AS. Whenever I've read the symptoms and how aspies, in social situations and such, takes a second or so to respond (and therefore may have problems with conversations), I haven't been sure if I do that. Same with the symptom of having to have things "spelled out". But, yesterday I "caught" my brain in doing that logical deduction as to "what I was to understand". It was just a split second where I didn't know what the other person wanted of me until she made a comment that made me able of deducting my way to the answer and behave appropriately.
It's not something I've been aware of before figuring out the AS, but as with so may others who are diagnosed when they are adults, I've started self-analyzing, maybe a bit excessively. Either way, it's the first time I've been aware of how my brain process verbal commands where some information is missing.
It's not something I've been aware of before figuring out the AS, but as with so may others who are diagnosed when they are adults, I've started self-analyzing, maybe a bit excessively. Either way, it's the first time I've been aware of how my brain process verbal commands where some information is missing.
Monday, March 3, 2008
In between
After I briefly discussed my high vs. low-functioning moments last week, I want to take a minute to elaborate a bit more on that subject.
I have never, to the better of my knowledge, met any other autistics. There is a professor at my uni who seem very autistic (gait, how he seems to have planned every single moment of the lecture, his lack of eye contact, how he sometimes doesn't get it when the students make jokes) plus another student who someone said has Asperger's. I cannot confirm either, and I don't fit either of them, if that's a good way of putting it.
Due to the extensive criteria for Aspergers/HFA and the diversity of autistics, I have yet to find someone who I can really relate to. The stereotypical Aspie doesn't fit me; everyone seems to think that Aspies are geniuses who are brilliant when it comes to numbers, are unable to carry a conversation, will never marry or even have a girlfriend (note the word) and behaves oddly. Judging from the number that 1 in 150 is somewhere on the Spectrum, I don't think this is the case at all. Hell, I know that's not the case. Aspies are just as diverse as normal people, or NTs as I prefer to call them.
Let's take a look at the stereotypical aspie I just described and compare it to me;
My point is that there are so many different ways to be autistic. I'm one. You might be another. And neither of us are just as another. However comforting this may be, it also makes me doubt myself at times because I don't see myself in the autistics I see in documentaries or in most YouTube-videos (there are always exceptions).
The world seems to be too busy looking for the savants or the "low-functioning" to notice the "normal ones" that hide in their midsts. I don't think I talk for myself only when I say this, but it's kinda lonely. After first being defined as different, not normal, etc, it's hard not feeling that you fit in with the one's you're supposed to fit in with, either. Just as any other person I'm searching for someone that's like me, that can validate me as an autistic person.
I have never, to the better of my knowledge, met any other autistics. There is a professor at my uni who seem very autistic (gait, how he seems to have planned every single moment of the lecture, his lack of eye contact, how he sometimes doesn't get it when the students make jokes) plus another student who someone said has Asperger's. I cannot confirm either, and I don't fit either of them, if that's a good way of putting it.
Due to the extensive criteria for Aspergers/HFA and the diversity of autistics, I have yet to find someone who I can really relate to. The stereotypical Aspie doesn't fit me; everyone seems to think that Aspies are geniuses who are brilliant when it comes to numbers, are unable to carry a conversation, will never marry or even have a girlfriend (note the word) and behaves oddly. Judging from the number that 1 in 150 is somewhere on the Spectrum, I don't think this is the case at all. Hell, I know that's not the case. Aspies are just as diverse as normal people, or NTs as I prefer to call them.
Let's take a look at the stereotypical aspie I just described and compare it to me;
- I am definitely not brilliant with numbers. I was good at maths during elementary school, but struggled with it all through high school. Today I'm terrified of numbers (due to a sense of failing, I don't know) and can barely do the shopping by going by very rough estimates.
- I can indeed carry a conversation. However, I struggle to do so in a new, social situation and I tend to focus it back on me (which I've heard is a typical aspie trait). There's also the odd pauses at times where I have to look for unscripted words.
- Will never marry or even have a girlfriend. Although I have no objection with homosexuals/bisexuals, I've used this sentence to prove yet another point. Most people think that only boys (yes, boys, not men) can be autistic. The current number is that there is 1 girls diagnosed for each 4 boys, but my opinion is that more boys than girls are diagnosed due to Hans Asperger doing research on boys only as well as that the diagnosis criteria are written to suit males. Girls and women are under-and undiagnosed due to a lack of knowledge about how autism affects us. Further, it's not true that autistics can't find and keep a partner. I've read and talked with several, both male and female autistics, that have been married and have kids. I'm one. But without the kids.
- It seems that some people think that you can spot an aspie by the way he walks and acts and talks. I'm not saying you can't, but it's a too big an assumption to ignore. I haven't come out to a lot of people, but the first person I came out to who have only known me for a very limited time had a reaction saying this is not the came. She was surprised, maybe even shocked, to learn of my aspieness.
But! You're so outgoing!
My point is that there are so many different ways to be autistic. I'm one. You might be another. And neither of us are just as another. However comforting this may be, it also makes me doubt myself at times because I don't see myself in the autistics I see in documentaries or in most YouTube-videos (there are always exceptions).
The world seems to be too busy looking for the savants or the "low-functioning" to notice the "normal ones" that hide in their midsts. I don't think I talk for myself only when I say this, but it's kinda lonely. After first being defined as different, not normal, etc, it's hard not feeling that you fit in with the one's you're supposed to fit in with, either. Just as any other person I'm searching for someone that's like me, that can validate me as an autistic person.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Thoughts on Words
As I watched Oprah yesterday (the episode with Jenny McCarthy and how her son was magically "healed" of his autism*), I couldn't help but notice how she worded her replies/monologues. I'm not going to address all of it, but what struck me is the difference between her and myself.
She said it was important to say child with autism, not autistic, because the autism isn't the only thing describing the child. That, of course, is true. However... We have no problem saying that someone is, or example, a boy - you don't say child with the gender/sex (that's a whole different discussion) boy.
As an autistic, I define myself as such, but I also define myself as so much more. It's not the only thing about me, which Ms McCarthy so condescendingly suggested it would be with such a description. To me, it sounds more like she's the one who can't see "beyond the autism" and therefore have to say with autism to remind herself that her son is something more.
* It finally aired on Norwegian television last night (I don't watch Oprah, so I don't know if it has been on before), and I capped it for a few autistics and parents of autistics at an online board. Let me know if you haven't seen it yet and would like to.
Addendum: If you remove every label that sum up traits, etc, in one word, like autism -> with autism, aren't we basically removing every single part of us from our cores? If we stop using definitions like that and base our knowledge of ourselves thing we do and things we say instead of accepting them as parts of us?
The autism, however small it may be, is, and have always been a great part of my life (even when I didn't know about it). I can't just diminish that by calling it something else. Just as I am autistic, I'm a girl (at times), a woman (at times), I'm currently a student (not someone who only study) and a photographer and many, many other things.
She said it was important to say child with autism, not autistic, because the autism isn't the only thing describing the child. That, of course, is true. However... We have no problem saying that someone is, or example, a boy - you don't say child with the gender/sex (that's a whole different discussion) boy.
As an autistic, I define myself as such, but I also define myself as so much more. It's not the only thing about me, which Ms McCarthy so condescendingly suggested it would be with such a description. To me, it sounds more like she's the one who can't see "beyond the autism" and therefore have to say with autism to remind herself that her son is something more.
* It finally aired on Norwegian television last night (I don't watch Oprah, so I don't know if it has been on before), and I capped it for a few autistics and parents of autistics at an online board. Let me know if you haven't seen it yet and would like to.
Addendum: If you remove every label that sum up traits, etc, in one word, like autism -> with autism, aren't we basically removing every single part of us from our cores? If we stop using definitions like that and base our knowledge of ourselves thing we do and things we say instead of accepting them as parts of us?
The autism, however small it may be, is, and have always been a great part of my life (even when I didn't know about it). I can't just diminish that by calling it something else. Just as I am autistic, I'm a girl (at times), a woman (at times), I'm currently a student (not someone who only study) and a photographer and many, many other things.
In the real world
Tony Atwood has said that there is indeed a cure for autism. Simply put the autistic in a room, all on his own and close the door. The symptoms disappear when you do so.
This is very true for me. I say that I have no problem functioning in the real world, but it has to be on my terms. Put simply that means that I function reasonably/really well as long as I know what' going to happen and as long as I'm in my little routine of school (lecture, breaks, buying food in the canteen, etc), working at the paper (covering concerts, editorial meetings, conducting interviews), etc. Of course, all of the above have once been unknown and therefore settings where I haven't functioned as well as I do now, after I've rehearsed them and have suiting scripts to go with each of them. Hell, I even seems quite outgoing and socially competent!
So, what happens when I'm thrown into the real world where there are no scripts, no previous experience to work from? Luckily, I seldom have to find out.
Today was the first time I ventured to a auto-repair shop alone. My mom is away on business and took the opportunity to get service done on her car. She handed me an envelope of money and asked me to pick it up this afternoon. After years of driving and thus not using public transportation, I had to take a bus. Noisy, uncomfortable and stressful. Luckily, it was on time; I've got a thing for punctuality. I was also lucky enough to find a seat towards the back and the seat next to me was unoccupied for most of the trip. But still, the people and the noises and the way the bus moved was enough to set of some stimming and make me queasy.
Then I had to deal with talking to unknown people in a noisy garage/office. The smell of the motor oils didn't help my already upset stomach, and just being in there has made me smell. Had to grab a shower the minute I got home.
I've been thinking. Many people have smell-triggered migraines, I know I do. Many autistics also have heightened sensitivity to smells. Is there a connection between migraines and autism? Does anyone know?
This is very true for me. I say that I have no problem functioning in the real world, but it has to be on my terms. Put simply that means that I function reasonably/really well as long as I know what' going to happen and as long as I'm in my little routine of school (lecture, breaks, buying food in the canteen, etc), working at the paper (covering concerts, editorial meetings, conducting interviews), etc. Of course, all of the above have once been unknown and therefore settings where I haven't functioned as well as I do now, after I've rehearsed them and have suiting scripts to go with each of them. Hell, I even seems quite outgoing and socially competent!
So, what happens when I'm thrown into the real world where there are no scripts, no previous experience to work from? Luckily, I seldom have to find out.
Today was the first time I ventured to a auto-repair shop alone. My mom is away on business and took the opportunity to get service done on her car. She handed me an envelope of money and asked me to pick it up this afternoon. After years of driving and thus not using public transportation, I had to take a bus. Noisy, uncomfortable and stressful. Luckily, it was on time; I've got a thing for punctuality. I was also lucky enough to find a seat towards the back and the seat next to me was unoccupied for most of the trip. But still, the people and the noises and the way the bus moved was enough to set of some stimming and make me queasy.
Then I had to deal with talking to unknown people in a noisy garage/office. The smell of the motor oils didn't help my already upset stomach, and just being in there has made me smell. Had to grab a shower the minute I got home.
I've been thinking. Many people have smell-triggered migraines, I know I do. Many autistics also have heightened sensitivity to smells. Is there a connection between migraines and autism? Does anyone know?
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