Learned Empathy

I remember when I was growing up in the mid-to-late 90's, there was a heavy emphasis on EQ, or Emotional Intelligence.

Not fitting in with my peers, I become very interested in this EQ-thing, as well as quasi-psychology as Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It was the only thing I knew that could help me understand others, although I don't think the book was meant for, or written about, 10 year olds.

Looking back at it now, I can see it as a "symptom", if you will. Since I was not able to make and keep friends through normal means, I made my peers into "lab rats" and applied the theories I read in the books. It did not really help.

At the time, when EQ was very much in the limelight, I remember not feeling I "fit" with how one should be, EQ-wise. I felt that I did not fit the shape making out "a good person". In 1990, EQ was defined as "the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions.". Read that again, and think of the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Syndrom.

I tried so hard to get a high EQ-score in the tests published in women's magazines. After taking a few, I saw a pattern and adapted my score, manipulating it, if you will, to be able to "brag" about my high scores. I learnt, through these tests and articles, how a "normal person" felt, thought, behaved and treated others. It's a lesson that has stuck with me through my life since then, making me the person I am today, through constant manipulation of my thoughts, feelings and behavior against others.

When I first started reading about Asperger's Syndrome, and autism, I was very against the idea that all autistics have problems with empathy. I still do, in a way, due to the notion that every autistic is different. What I had problems understanding is that there is a fine line between empathy and sympathy.

While empathy is the ability to recognize or understand other people's state of mind or emotion, and what is talked about as being able to "put one self in another person's shoes", sympathy is defined as concern and sorrow for another person's situation or misfortune. The idea that autistics lack empathy is known as Theory of Mind; the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.

Looking at it now, a couple of months on, and with new experiences and understandings of myself as well as autism, I can see that I do not employ this theory of mind. Most of the time I am able to "use" it through the things I have learns about other people, feelings and "common courtesy", but when I'm stressed out, angry and panicked, I catch myself speaking and acting out my true feelings.

One of my greater flaws is my perfectionism. Although I can be very hard on myself to be as perfect as possible, I might be even harder with others, be it the mailman who is an hour late, or a salesperson in a store I gone to to get something I simply must have straight away (yet another flaw, my impatience).

Being able to recognize this flaw, and putting in the context of autism, I see that it is not simply that I am unreasonable, although I clearly am, but it's an unreasonableness I cannot help. The unreasonableness is a product of my lack of empathy, and I have to stop and think about it when I've calmed myself down that maybe, just maybe, this person cannot really do anything more than she or he already is. That is no excuse, thought, because now that I am aware of it, it is something I can work on.

Intelligence - what ever that is.

Wow! Almost two weeks without a single post! Even though this blog is for myself and my own "exploration" of being Asperger, I hope someone's missed me and/or my posts.

Either way... Lately I've seen the subject of intelligence pop up on different message boards dealing with Asperger's. Now, I know scientists like Atwood says that Aspergers have "no delay in cognitive development" and "normal to above normal" intelligence (if I remember correctly, an IQ of 70 or less would indicate that you are "mentally challenged" or whatever the political correct word today is).

However, what I've noticed is that whenever this comes up in debates, be it on how you scored on tests during assessment or other times your IQ was measured, the Aspies reveal themselves to be one of the "above normal".

I'm not trying to say that they're lying, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only "dumb" Aspie out there. I've never had an intelligence test, but I doubt I'd score all that high. While we're being truthful here, I'm scared of having one because I dread the potential outcome. To be completely honest, I feel dumb. Thick. Stupid. And such words. I've never been good at math or exhibited other stereotypical intelligent-Aspie traits. I'm not gifted in any way. And the things I'm "good" at, well, I'm not really good at them. Not like other Aspies describe themselves to be.

I'm not going anywhere with this, I just have to get this out.

Another comparisson

Currently in Feminist Theory-lecture, which I've mentioned previously.

"It is said that Muslim Women are suppressed. Yet, no one asks them how they feel. It's a given that they are. However, some Norwegian Women have spoken freely and loudly that they are indeed not suppressed."

"They cannot represent themselves, they must be represented" (Marx, 1853)

I guess you're all see where I'm going here...

We need to step up our game.

Meltdowns, or the lack of

Of course, I cannot for the life of me remember where I read it, but it was yesterday or the day before that I came across a blog entry (I think) where this autistic person said that (s)he had been able to refrain from public meltdowns. Anyone know which one I'm talking about?

As you might or might now know,

A meltdown is condition where the Aspie temporarily loses control due to emotional responses to environmental factors.

It generally appears that the aspie has lost control over a single and specific issue however this is very rarely the case. Usually, the problem is the cumulation of a number of irritations which could span a fairly long period of time, particularly given the strong long-term memory facilities of the aspie.

[...]

The meltdown appears to most people as a tantrum or dummy spit. There are marked differences between adults and children.

Children tend to flop onto the ground and shout, scream or cry. Quite often, they will display violent behaviour such as hitting or kicking.

(source)

I don't recall having had many meltdowns during my childhood. If I did, they were never called meltdowns. I was just a "bad girl who didn't know how to behave". The story that often comes up is that of the 3 year old me at the mall with my mom, "throwing a complete tantrum" so bad my mom had to pick me up and carry me under her arm out of the mall.

Several people describe how their autistic kids can be such angels when they're "in public", yet act as monsters behind closed doors. This was true for me as well, and is something I still do from time to time. I can be nice, civil and polite during "office hours", and then unleash everything once I get home. I'm not easy to live with, I know, and this is something I'm working on. I distincively remember being embarrassed them few time I "lost it", and I think therefore I started to restrict it to when I was home.

Do you think autistics are able to "control themselves" from melting down in public? Are there any gender-differences when it comes to meltdowns? The source I've quoted mentions that autistic adults often get depressed (and 'shut down') instead of melt down. I think this is particularly true for women (not saying it doesn't happen to men). Autistic or not, most "high-functioning" autistics become aware of the effect they have on others on one level or the other some time and begin to "adjust" their behavior. I'm not saying everyone does this, but I know I've done it, and I assume this is very true for the female aspie.

Let's face it. Girls are brought up differently, either the parents admit to it or not. That's just the way it is. Even thought my parents at least tried to give both of us a "gender-less" upbringing, the society we live in made it impossible. If our parents didn't encourage us to be free of gender-presumptions, the school sure as hell didn't. I remember being told that girls should be so and so (nice, polite) and boys could do whatever they wanted. And this is the problem with autism diagnostics today. Because boys are expected to be 'free', it's more "okay" for a boy to have ADHD/autism/whatever, but girls are so played down that most of them tone down their overall behavior + autism don't manifest itself the same way in females. This is a never-ending argument, so I'll just leave it as this; food for thought.

Parallels

I just got out of a lecture on feminist theory 15 minutes ago and am currently sitting in a study hall at the university I attend. The class is every Thursday, and it's the one class I'm really looking forward to each week. Feminist theory and gender research is not a major obsession, but a long-lasting one and I'm happy the university is finally offering at least something like "this", small as it is.

We've been dealing with feminists like de Beauvoir, Firestone, Irigaray, Butler and Wittig (and probably a few more as well so far), having a look at their ideologies, theories and opinions. Of course, they all assume the position that females are oppressed by males, but there is more than that. How is gender made? What mattes when it comes to your individual representation of yourself as a male or a female? We're also writing a paper on this, which has to be handed in tonight (don't remind me).

Today we had a good hard look at our own prejudice. We were faced with several photos and had to classify whether or not the subject was female or male. Why did we think either way? We had to make lists as to why we had these assumptions about the people; characteristics as we saw them as well as the feelings the picture evokes. At the end, the lecture was about Wittig and Butler and how their theories deal with how we made ourselves known as genders. This struck a somewhat familiar chord.

Butler says that gender is biologically conditioned, but you adapt to the cultural (sociological) classification for the sex you are born with (biological sex). To these sociological gender, there are certain "expectations" you have to live up to. let's say you're a woman. You are expected to dress as "we" think women should dress and hold "feminine" qualities as be a good cook (even though the best chefs in the world are men), want and desire children and to become a mother. Of course, Butler goes even further and says that lesbian women are unable to live up to the expectations met in society and that one should, in some way, resolve sex as it's actually culturally defines after all - how we perceive sex depends on our culture. Maybe that isn't as relevant here... Or is it?

Can't a parallel be drawn to aspies in the NT world here? You see - as aspie as though we may be, we are still "expected" to act NT, to be NT. We as humans are seen as the same as NTs. We are to be the same. But, some of us (be it aspie, HFA or "low-functioning") can't live up to how NT-society works. There you go. That's the parallel. That puny paragraph. That's all I have to say after you've read all this.

I'm soooo tempted to write such a comparison in my paper, and thus out myself as an autistic.

In between

After I briefly discussed my high vs. low-functioning moments last week, I want to take a minute to elaborate a bit more on that subject.

I have never, to the better of my knowledge, met any other autistics. There is a professor at my uni who seem very autistic (gait, how he seems to have planned every single moment of the lecture, his lack of eye contact, how he sometimes doesn't get it when the students make jokes) plus another student who someone said has Asperger's. I cannot confirm either, and I don't fit either of them, if that's a good way of putting it.

Due to the extensive criteria for Aspergers/HFA and the diversity of autistics, I have yet to find someone who I can really relate to. The stereotypical Aspie doesn't fit me; everyone seems to think that Aspies are geniuses who are brilliant when it comes to numbers, are unable to carry a conversation, will never marry or even have a girlfriend (note the word) and behaves oddly. Judging from the number that 1 in 150 is somewhere on the Spectrum, I don't think this is the case at all. Hell, I know that's not the case. Aspies are just as diverse as normal people, or NTs as I prefer to call them.

Let's take a look at the stereotypical aspie I just described and compare it to me;

1. I am definitely not brilliant with numbers. I was good at maths during elementary school, but struggled with it all through high school. Today I'm terrified of numbers (due to a sense of failing, I don't know) and can barely do the shopping by going by very rough estimates.
   
2. I can indeed carry a conversation. However, I struggle to do so in a new, social situation and I tend to focus it back on me (which I've heard is a typical aspie trait). There's also the odd pauses at times where I have to look for unscripted words.
3. Will never marry or even have a girlfriend. Although I have no objection with homosexuals/bisexuals, I've used this sentence to prove yet another point. Most people think that only boys (yes, boys, not men) can be autistic. The current number is that there is 1 girls diagnosed for each 4 boys, but my opinion is that more boys than girls are diagnosed due to Hans Asperger doing research on boys only as well as that the diagnosis criteria are written to suit males. Girls and women are under-and undiagnosed due to a lack of knowledge about how autism affects us. Further, it's not true that autistics can't find and keep a partner. I've read and talked with several, both male and female autistics, that have been married and have kids. I'm one. But without the kids.
4. It seems that some people think that you can spot an aspie by the way he walks and acts and talks. I'm not saying you can't, but it's a too big an assumption to ignore. I haven't come out to a lot of people, but the first person I came out to who have only known me for a very limited time had a reaction saying this is not the came. She was surprised, maybe even shocked, to learn of my aspieness.

   But! You're so outgoing!

The gist of this post has yet to come.

My point is that there are so many different ways to be autistic. I'm one. You might be another. And neither of us are just as another. However comforting this may be, it also makes me doubt myself at times because I don't see myself in the autistics I see in documentaries or in most YouTube-videos (there are always exceptions).

The world seems to be too busy looking for the savants or the "low-functioning" to notice the "normal ones" that hide in their midsts. I don't think I talk for myself only when I say this, but it's kinda lonely. After first being defined as different, not normal, etc, it's hard not feeling that you fit in with the one's you're supposed to fit in with, either. Just as any other person I'm searching for someone that's like me, that can validate me as an autistic person.

Presumptions, assumptions

Well, when you say how hard it is for you to talk to people, and to make friends, it's interesting that you're married and everything. Obviously it's great, too. But it's interesting.

This comment was in my inbox a few days ago, from an entry I made in my LiveJournal with the letter I received from the psychologist a saw last week about Asperger's.

To be honest, I don't know how to make this entry. I don't know how to write an entry on how on earth I can be married. It is true that many autistic people do not marry. I'm not going to say that the majority of autistics won't marry because there seems to be more highh-functioning autistics than we know - more and more people, old and young, get a diagnosis.

So, on the topic of me and my marriage versus friends. I do have problems making, but even more so, keeping friends. The psychologist asked me about that - despite my urge to have a close friends, I seem unable to commit to a relationship on the same level as the people I make friends with. Either I'm yearning too much to be open and have girl-talks (you know, the kind you see in Hollywood movies) or I'm too withdrawn and insecure. Either way, I seem to scare people off. I am very very demanding. I demand that people treat me with the same kind of respect I show them - especially when it comes to giving and taking and showing up for appointments on time. As many, if not most autistics, I have a very deep-set black and white-thinking. I shouldn't blame the problems I have with making and keeping friends on my way of thinking and perceiving things, but it'd also be wrong to simply dismiss it. It is too set in my being to just shrug it off.

As much as I'd like a simple way to explain my marriage and the wonderfulness that is my husband, I don't think I can. Although he is most likely not autistic, we share some traits. Despite my urge to make social, I can also enjoy just spending time at home, in peace and quite (making social can drain me completely, resulting in low energy and migraines). He has always (as far as I know) been withdrawn. It's not that he can't have fun with friends, but most of the time he prefers to stay at home gaming and being a geek.

Other than that, he's the person I've been able to open up to the most in all of my life. He knows my ins and outs, my most shameful secrets and good qualities. And he has never judged me. Even when I make terrible mistakes, he's there to pick me up again.

Exactly why we got together, and have stayed together for five years, I don't know. Maybe I just met him at a time in my life where I was so desperate to fit in, have friends and live the perfect life. Maybe that desperation made me give it my all and make it work.

Marriage between NTs and autistics supposedly have an even bigger chance of not working out. Everyone says it's more work than "normal" marriages. Maybe it is. maybe it isn't. It's a bit too easy to say that autistics don't marry. That they can't have friends. It sounds more than just a bit like a cliché, but "we are just like you". We just work a bit differently.