Yes, I am awfully slow in updating about the things I say I'll update about. At the end of the spring semester, I said I had a lot of blog entries in my RSS-feeder, that I'd read through them, and then give my opinion on things presented in those blogs. A few weeks on, and I still have done so.

Masks - oh dear

"Now, I want to get rid of them. Partly because they are so hard to maintain, I have to remember all these masks for so many different people, it gets too tiring, and very stressful when I have to deal with two people who are usually not seen together – I have to mix their individual masks and come up with a super mask that fits both people in that situation."

This rings so true! I've done this for as long as I can remember. A lot of this has had to do with my family. As I might, and might not have mentioned before, my family has never allowed for any feelings to be exhibited, for anything "bad" to be out in the open, and any mental issues or disabilities, like Asperger's, would simply not be accepted. This is why I've never stood up for myself when it comes to all the years I've been, often severely, depressed. Neither have I told my mom about me having Asperger's. I'm not sure I ever will.

More specifically, I've had masks for different people all my life. This has to do with my family situation, as I've indicated above. There's one mask for acquaintances, one for my mom, one for my husband, and so on. It has to be mentioned that my husband is silently and carefully pulling the mask further and further over my head, almost removing it completely. I think this is a good thing, but at the same time, I need these masks in order to function. I've blogged about this previously, a few months back, on how I function very well when it's on "my terms".

Masks are, for me, tightly intertwined with the need to mentally prepare for situations, people and possible conversations. Different people require different masks. If I am to talk to a person working in the uni administration, I need to plan for what to say - in which order should I make my needs be known? How can I best explain what I need help with? This preparation calls for a strong and confident mask.

Preparation for lectures and seminars is sort of similar. It's not good, I know, but I prepare for lectures and seminars by sitting next to someone I know will be prone to throwing their hands in the air to answer questions. Sitting next to someone like that will, most likely, have as a consequence that I will not be asked any questions.

"I have decided that this year, I want to make a fresh start."

This is definitely easier said than done.

After becoming aware of my Asperger's, I've felt more confident in myself than ever before. My entire life, I've kept in the shadows, always being the good girl who does what she's told. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but this good girl-syndrome has kept me in a place where I've never wanted to stand up for myself.

Finding out about being on the spectrum coincided, time-wise, with having to be on my own for 6-7 months. During this time I have had to be my own advocate. It's been hard, but it's been necessary, both for practical reasons and for becoming the person I am today.

During this time I've made quite a few new acquaitances, and I have tried my best to make them without the help of my masks. I have succeded as well - when my husband returned home and met with a friend I made during his absence, I noticed that there weren't that big a clash between the mask I wear with his and the mask I wear with her. It's strange, but a welcome feeling.