Video and update

This old post barely touching the subject, and I still think she's better at explaining. I suggest you watch the video.

In other news;

I seem to be one of the statistics. One of those 13.5%.

I saw a doctor today, to receive a diagnosis of social anxiety. After turning of the TV, closing the door to the garden and then hiding behind the bed when the bell rang yesterday, I realized I cannot go on like this. Of course, there are other things as well - waiting to check the mail till the neighsbors are nowhere in sight, not being able to be outside as long as the neighbors can see me, trouble going to the store on my own, et cetera, et cetera. The list goes on.

The doctor was very kind, and agreed with my own conclusion. I had blood drawn just to make sure there's nothing else going on that could give the same symptoms (which I pretty much doubt).

I did not inform her of having Asperger's. I'm going back in August, unless there's something wrong with my blood tests, to talk about what to do now - therapy, group therapy and/or medication. I'm opting for the latter + sessions with the uni psychologist and/or group therapy. That'll be the time to bring up the AS, I think, as that'd the underlying cause as far as I can tell.

Whoa, feelings

Feelings
Whoa, feelings
Whoa, feelings
Get out of my life

Remember that song by Offspring? I suddenly got stuck in my head this morning while I was lying in bed, pondering on this with feelings.

After the test I took last week, I have started to come to the realization that I am very much not on touch with my feelings. Don't read that as if I do not have feelings, because I do - and lots of them, too. My body knows my feelings, but my mind does not. A recent example is a fight I had with my mom where I stared crying, and I did not know I was going to, and did not really register that I did at first. My body is great at letting the world know what I'm feeling. I can begin to cry without "feeling" anything before it happens. When I am poorly, my voice gets slightly whiny, and I have a hard time controlling it.

This is what I do not get with other people - why do they seem so content (which I've learn means 'in a state of peaceful happiness') all the time when my body reveals more or less anything that goes on inside?

To me it seems like other people are not feeling anything at all, and that they are the ones with a "problem" since I have no idea what is going on inside them since their bodies do not act as mine does. I have learned to read body language, at least a bit. I know when my husband has to go to the bathroom, for one. But other than that, I am clueless.

After denying for months that autistics does not have Theory of Mind, and that we do have empathy, I have finally understood it - after lots of reading. I think I have been so dead set against those ideas because I have thought it to mean that we are stupid, or bad people, or... something. But it does not. Just as I have problems understanding whatever is going on inside me, we have problems relating to what others could be feeling right now unless they strongly let us know, either through words or bodily functions like crying. Of course, such actions require that we act, and that is a whole other problem, is it not?

As always, I am unable to follow a blog post through, and offer a conclusion. However, again, that is not really my aim for this blog *wink*

Another disorder that is often co-morbid with autism is Alexithymia - a disorder where you have a hard time figuring out just what you're feeling and describing feelings to others. A link on a forum led me to a test where you can "check" if you've got it. My score came to 154.

Co-morbidity

In one of his books, Gillberg says that 80% of children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism will develop psychiatric disorders during puberty. He mentions disorders like depression, psychosis, schizophrenia.

A report from one of Norway's leading centers on autism reports has a report on the issue. Part 2.4 of the report deals with co-morbid disorders and sum up the research on the prevalence of different co-morbid disorders. However, the research results are not unanimous;

1) ADHD - Between 38% and 50% of those with AS/HFA mets the criteria for ADHD.
2) Depression - 4%-41%
3) Bipolar Disorder - 6%-27%
4) Tics/Tourettes - 6%-20%.
5) Anxiety - 13,6%-50% have general anxiety. 4%-14% have separation anxiety. 7%-23% have phobias.
7) OCD - 1,5%-25% meets the criteria, although as much as 50% have symptoms.
8) Schizophrenia - The risk is assumed to be the same as the general public.
9) Schizoid disorder and other paranoia disorders - No clear connection.
10) Personality disorders - Can resemble AS/HFA
Aggression - 13% had a morbid fascination with violence, but fewer that the average of the US population had committed acts of violence
12) Other
a) Eating disorders as anorexia, compulsive eating, compulsive drinking, purging, tirual eating and pica (appetite for earth and other non-foods). No known connection.
b) Sleep disorders affect many. Often noticeable before 8 years of age.
c) Gender identity problems - greater risk, but there are often sensory issues behind problems with gender identity.
d) Little to no knowledge on drug use.

In his book, The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, Tony Atwood argues that other disorders, like depression, is not a problem until the child becomes aware that it is not like the other children. It's not there until the child starts to feel left out during playtime, and the 'otherness' continues to grow more and more till children reaches puberty. AS children are often behind their NT-peers when it comes to flirting and 'noticing the other sex', and it is during this time (when all children are more vulnerable) that AS children feel even more left out. Having normal to above normal IQ, AS kids are very aware that they are different and in their struggle to fit and be like any other kid, they are prone to develop depression.

Myself, I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. Most of my childhood memories are from situations where it, once again, became apparent that I did not fit in, that I was not like the other girls in my class. I didn't fit in with them and I didn't fit in with the boys. I was somewhere in the middle, trying my best to be liked by both groups. I failed. The girls shut me out from their little groups and the boys called me names for, I guess, trying to hard to be liked. This lasted through jr. high.

Once in high school, things got better, but I still had problems making friends, and I was still depressed. My depression was not apparent to myself, that is; I didn't think that I was depressed. It was not something I was aware of. It just was.

During all of my years in school, there have been days where I've stayed home due to the depression combined with the anxiety of meeting people and having to be friendly and social. There have been days where I've been so drained due to excessive social contact that I cannot dread another day where I have to 'make social'. It's been easier to stay in bed. This wasn't just in high school, but during elementary school as well. No one did anything about it. Every year I've had too many days of absence. Nothing was ever done about it. Not by my parents and not by the school. Maybe if someone had stopped and asked why, the AS could have been picked up on earlier, and I could have had it easier. But at the same time, I'm not sure what I would have preferred.

Since no one noticed I'm in a place I might not have been if I had received the diagnosis earlier. If I had been diagnosed in elementary school there might not have been the same expectations when it came to school work, etc, but I could also have had it easier now and not been described as lazy. I'm not lazy, I'm just scared of not coping!