The chameleon

Another trip to the university library bore fruits. I came home with a bag full of book on autism that I haven't seen there before. They're very popular, it seems.

One in th batch is Donna William's Autism - An inside-out approach. I haven't gotten very much beyond the foreword, yet, but I do hope I'll enjoy it. I particularly want to bring up a paragraph that reminds me so of myself:

By my teenage years, I began to be too aware of the feeling of being alien. Unable to have even consistently shared true self-expression or real emotion with anyone, I grasped the absolutely emptiness of what the world held for me. My answer to this was to follow and mimic anybody who would take me along for the ride and to move through life as fast as possible do I didn't ave to stop to feel how bad and out of control it all felt. (Williams , 1996: 3, own emphasis)

As I've already mentioned, this hit close to home for me. Growing up, I was a chameleon of sorts. My AS "stopped" me from developing my own sense of being and I was continuously mimicking other people's meanings, sense of fashion and way to express themselves. I believe this is called social echolalia (which is also such a great word to say out loud!). It's not that I don't have my own personality, it's just that I have a tendency to take after whoever I'm around. I still do this. And I don't know how to not do it.

The problem with this is that I don't know how to really be me, because I cannot stop this form of behavior. The other problem is that there are stock phrases and expressions that are so 'alien' to me that I don't know how to use them, and thus, I am often perceived as impolite. The mere thought of saying hello when you meet someone on the street is uncomfortable, and I'd rather not be in a situation where I have to compliment anyone; I don't know how to best do it.