Thursday, July 31, 2008

Coincidental books

After trying to find something to read earlier this summer, I stumbled across Anne Rice's The Witching Hour in our double-stacked bookshelves. Judging from the name and date written on the inside of the cover, it's been 4 or 7 years since I last read it, all depending on how you interpret my writing. Either way, I was glad to find the book. I remember liking it, and the rest of the Mayfair Chronicles "back then", and thought it'd be nice to read it again.

Reading is a slow process for me these days. I struggle a lot with my concentration. The book is slowly dragging along and I haven't made it as far as I used to, where a book of this size would be devoured in a day or so. But, at the same time, I've kept back, because although I've searched, I haven't been able to find the second book of the series, Lasher. A search on Amazon hasn't allowed me to track down the second book with the design matching that of the first, and last, book.

On Monday we went to town to run a couple of errands, and dropped by what once was a roleplaying/manga/anime store, though during the last couple of years, it's degenerated into an overprices comics and DVD-store. Imagine my joy when I found what I thought was the second book, the one I'm missing, stacked away amongst books from another series, only to come home and realize we've bought another "third book".

Going back today to exchange it for the proper book, I was fairly disappointed that they didn't have it in stock. They have taken my order to have it shipped from one of the other stores, if they have it, or from the US, which will take 3-5 weeks. Now that I think about it, I should just ask them to delete the order, as it will be faster for me to just get it from Amazon myself - either way it won't be the same cover design.

Trying to exchange the book, we're told we can't get out money back (this has been a problem with the store from day one, and it's not a common thing in Norway - to be honest, I doubt it's within the laws of purchase), but that we can either get a gift certificate to present when the book is back in stock, or we can exchange it for something else. Roaming through the shelves, I find a book that's been on my Amazon wish list for a few weeks, The Speed of Dark, so I happily purchase that instead.

Amazon.com says:
"Corporate life in early 21st-century America is even more ruthless than it was at the turn of the millennium. Lou Arrendale, well compensated for his remarkable pattern-recognition skills, enjoys his job and expects never to lose it. But he has a new boss, a man who thinks Lou and the others in his building are a liability. Lou and his coworkers are autistic. And the new boss is going to fire Lou and all his coworkers--unless they agree to undergo an experimental new procedure to "cure" them.

In The Speed of Dark, Elizabeth Moon has created a powerful, complex, and believable portrayal of a man who varies radically from what is defined as "normal." The author insightfully explores the nature of "normality," identity, choice, responsibility, free will, illness and health, and good and evil."

Husband found a book of his liking, as well.

Monday, July 14, 2008

New books

I received two new books in the mail today, which my husband ordered for me a week ago from Amazon. I was starting to worry that they would not get here before we leave for vacation on Thursday, but they did, so now I've got something to read.

The first is Survival Strategies for People on the Autism Spectrum by Marc Fleicher. It's a "self-help guide for autistic teenagers and adults" that will "help readers improve their quality of life and overcome everyday challenges". The table of context has chapters like The Worry of the 'What If?' Scenario, Rules of Socialising and Dealing with Uncertainty.

The second is Ask and Tell: Self-Advocacy and Disclosure for People on the Autism Spectrum with foreword by Temple Grandin and edited by Stephen M. Shore. It contains articles by people like Ruth Elaine Joyner Hane (Communicating Through Advocacy and Self-Disclosure: Four Ways to Connect) and Liane Holliday Willey (Disclosure and Self-Advocacy: An Open Door Policy).

I hope these books can come in handy; I've been in contact with two men online. One is 28 and has been mis-diagnosed in the past, but got the diagnosis of Asperger's five years ago. The other is 46 and just this spring received his diagnosis. They're both dealing with how to tell others (family and friends, and potential employers and others who will need to know) about their autism. A thread was dedicated to how to be open about the diagnosis on an online message board and we've talked a bit about it there, sharing experiences and worries. I recommeded Coming out Asperger, and they've both bought that one in Norwegian. One of the men also bought a book on Asperger's and employment, but I'm unsure which as he didn't mention the author's name.

Have you read any good books and autism lately? Care to share a few titles?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Asperger's Syndrome in Adults - link

I know I keep sharing links with you all, but I happen to stumble upon several good sites or blogs these days. I hope you don't mind.

This has been lying in my RSS-feeder for some time now. My initial thoughts were to comment some of the stuff it mentions, like - symptoms in adults. But, I assume such an entry would be me repeating my symptoms, and I don't think that is necessary?

However, I do find it refreshing when someone writes about autism in adults, and I'm glad someone does it. It's hard finding good information on that subject, and even more so on autistic women.

Video and update



This old post barely touching the subject, and I still think she's better at explaining. I suggest you watch the video.

In other news;

I seem to be one of the statistics. One of those 13.5%.

I saw a doctor today, to receive a diagnosis of social anxiety. After turning of the TV, closing the door to the garden and then hiding behind the bed when the bell rang yesterday, I realized I cannot go on like this. Of course, there are other things as well - waiting to check the mail till the neighsbors are nowhere in sight, not being able to be outside as long as the neighbors can see me, trouble going to the store on my own, et cetera, et cetera. The list goes on.

The doctor was very kind, and agreed with my own conclusion. I had blood drawn just to make sure there's nothing else going on that could give the same symptoms (which I pretty much doubt).

I did not inform her of having Asperger's. I'm going back in August, unless there's something wrong with my blood tests, to talk about what to do now - therapy, group therapy and/or medication. I'm opting for the latter + sessions with the uni psychologist and/or group therapy. That'll be the time to bring up the AS, I think, as that'd the underlying cause as far as I can tell.

Monday, July 7, 2008

I know I've written about this before, but for me it's a very important point that cannot be discussed often enough. It's one of those topics that makes a real distinction be known between parents of autistic children and autistic children themselves. It's the topic of 'name-giving', 'definition' and so on.

On an online forum there has been several debates, finally emerging into a thread of its own whether or not one should say 'person with autism' or 'autistic'. It seems to be that the parents are all for the first, while the afflicted themselves prefer the latter.

Instead of trying to arrange the thoughts in my heads, I'd like to refer to the words of Jim Sinclair, which I was just recently made aware of through Coming out Asperger - Diagnosis, Disclosure and Self-Confidence (and if you haven't already, you should pick up a copy). At the same time, it makes me happy to see that he uses the argumentative style as I've done previously, in "Thoughts on words" and online elsewhere, where I've argued that I am, for instance, "a photographer" and not simply "someone who takes pictures".

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Small talk online

Did you know that people with ASDs and other neurological "disorder" have a different way to use IM than NTs? Generally speaking.

After being online for the last 10 years (more so during some periods, but very much so during the last two years), I've had quite a few IM conversations. For a time of 3 years I ran a very active server where I hosted a few hundred GBs of a few shows, one that is impossible to get on DVDs due to the sheer number of episodes. Especially during that time, I was contacted, often several times a day, by people who either had access or by people who wanted access. And they all had one thing in common; how they started the conversation.

As you are most likely able to figure out by now, these people talked to me in a polite and friendly manner. They said hello, asked how I was doing - you know, dragging it out, sometimes for several topics before the real reason why they contacted me came up.

(Of course, I don't know whether or not anyone of these could be diagnosed with a neurological "disorder", and I cannot remember every single conversation)

Then, this year when I came in "closer contact" with others "like me", I've noticed a different way to talk online. Sure, sometimes we say hello to each other, but most of the time there's no beating around the bush; a window pop up and either there's a simple exclamation, a question of some sort or a link to an article or discussion the sender found interested and wanted to share.

Without dissing the NTs in my life, I prefer the latter way of contacting others through IM. This unnecessary talk about everything else makes me very impatient and restless - either you want something or you don't. Online small talk is generally a hassle.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Whoa, feelings

Feelings
Whoa, feelings
Whoa, feelings
Get out of my life

Remember that song by Offspring? I suddenly got stuck in my head this morning while I was lying in bed, pondering on this with feelings.

After the test I took last week, I have started to come to the realization that I am very much not on touch with my feelings. Don't read that as if I do not have feelings, because I do - and lots of them, too. My body knows my feelings, but my mind does not. A recent example is a fight I had with my mom where I stared crying, and I did not know I was going to, and did not really register that I did at first. My body is great at letting the world know what I'm feeling. I can begin to cry without "feeling" anything before it happens. When I am poorly, my voice gets slightly whiny, and I have a hard time controlling it.

This is what I do not get with other people - why do they seem so content (which I've learn means 'in a state of peaceful happiness') all the time when my body reveals more or less anything that goes on inside?

To me it seems like other people are not feeling anything at all, and that they are the ones with a "problem" since I have no idea what is going on inside them since their bodies do not act as mine does. I have learned to read body language, at least a bit. I know when my husband has to go to the bathroom, for one. But other than that, I am clueless.

After denying for months that autistics does not have Theory of Mind, and that we do have empathy, I have finally understood it - after lots of reading. I think I have been so dead set against those ideas because I have thought it to mean that we are stupid, or bad people, or... something. But it does not. Just as I have problems understanding whatever is going on inside me, we have problems relating to what others could be feeling right now unless they strongly let us know, either through words or bodily functions like crying. Of course, such actions require that we act, and that is a whole other problem, is it not?

As always, I am unable to follow a blog post through, and offer a conclusion. However, again, that is not really my aim for this blog *wink*

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Parents are always to blame

I am currently re-reading Coming out Asperger: Diagnosis, Disclosure and Self-Confidence. Liane Holliday Wiley has the first chapter, which centers around telling or not telling someone you're an aspie.

A few pages into the chapter, she discuss how you can build an aspie person's self-confidence, and admits to being a little overprotective of her own kids. Instead of doing what she did, she propose a few ideas on how to make children aware of their own potential, that they are capable human beings, from a young age. Some of these are early on to let the child help decide what the family should eat, let the child pick out its own bed covers, try things the AS might prove difficult (for some, dance), and such. All in all she has ideas on how aspies can be well-prepared for the real world with the help of their parents.

My parents never knew I am aspie, and thus I was brougt up like a NT-kid, more or less at least, as you'd imagine. This included that I was expected to be able to do everything my sister did, and maybe even more, as I was the youngest. From an early age, I sliced bread and fed myself. I was early able to dress myself. 7 years old, I came home from school at noon, made two hot dogs (with boiling water) and looked after myself till they came home later in the afternoon.

Them not knowing (although they might have suspected something) has made me the person I am today. I can blame them for all kinds of shit that has gone wrong in my life, but instead of that, I'd like the readers of this post to know that sometimes bringing a child up like any other (presuming you don't know something's "off, etc), is a good thing. I consider myself to be "high-functioning", for the most part at least, and I owe that to my parents expectance that I am able to look after and care for myself.