After realizing I need help with social anxiety in July, I've started taking anti-depressants, and had my doctor refer me for an assessment for Asperger's Syndrome.
I had the first meeting today, and I think I'll get the diagnose. Since I was there, I also did a test for depression, and the psychologist said that I would score high in a few sections due to Asperger's, so she must see that I have it.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
To challenge a culture
Most of the time, I am too late in my readings and responses to be an "active part" of the autism blogging community. Neither does it help that my blog is most often read by people who search Google for keywords like "asperger no life" and "asperger never marry". Fact.
But today I came over an interesting blog entry, made by abfh, which mentions a comment Amanda made where she explain the use of the word meltdown in the autistic community. To prove a point, she quotes part of her comment;
I would never attempt to join a culture and then say within a few years of joining it, that the culture's longstanding words are inappropriate and just now being defined, just because the wider community doesn't know them yet.
I can agree to what Amanda is saying, but at the same time, I think it can be dangerous for any culture or group of people to never be challenged on their use of words, their paradigms, and such. If we never challenge what is already set in stone, there can be no evolution and no future for the culture. And to provide an image for this as I believe many people know, who's to say there is no black swan?
Amanda makes many very good arguments as to why it should be called a 'meltdown'. The argument that stands out to me is one she used in another comment, where she says that the use of these words ('meltdown', 'shutdown') came about because one did not want to use the clinical words used by professionals.
That, to me, says a lot. A culture will always have its own words. Some people call this slang. That the autistic community, not just online, use their own words for the feelings and situations, means that there is indeed a community, and a vibrant one at that. The argument over these words and the connotations they bring about is also a healthy sign. What, perhaps, is not as healthy, is when people say others are not as involved in the culture as others, and thus cannot voice their opinion.
It's not about the validity of the online autistic community, as abhf says, because we know the autistic online (and offline) community to be very valid. Not only just by what it can achieve when it comes to lobbying and "getting things done", but because it is a community, a culture, that cares greatly about itself and its members.
As a newcomer here, myself, I would like to think that I am just as welcome as a person who has known about her autism for 10 years, or, her entire life. Abhf made a parallel to the gay/LGBT community, which has faced criticism due to conformism, and thus I find his parallel to be a good one. Especially is the case here is that one has to conform into the culture adopted by many, rejected by a few.
The choice to use the Rainbow Infinity Symbol as a symbol of "pro-autism", and not the puzzle piece, has been an active choice in the autistic community. As the symbol represent, among other things, the spectrum of autism through the different colors (the differences in our symptoms), it can also represents the difference in our opinion about our culture. As I have previously mentioned, all cultures change. All paradigms are challenged. The Rainbow Infinity Symbol shows this never-ending cycle.
But today I came over an interesting blog entry, made by abfh, which mentions a comment Amanda made where she explain the use of the word meltdown in the autistic community. To prove a point, she quotes part of her comment;
I would never attempt to join a culture and then say within a few years of joining it, that the culture's longstanding words are inappropriate and just now being defined, just because the wider community doesn't know them yet.
I can agree to what Amanda is saying, but at the same time, I think it can be dangerous for any culture or group of people to never be challenged on their use of words, their paradigms, and such. If we never challenge what is already set in stone, there can be no evolution and no future for the culture. And to provide an image for this as I believe many people know, who's to say there is no black swan?
Amanda makes many very good arguments as to why it should be called a 'meltdown'. The argument that stands out to me is one she used in another comment, where she says that the use of these words ('meltdown', 'shutdown') came about because one did not want to use the clinical words used by professionals.
That, to me, says a lot. A culture will always have its own words. Some people call this slang. That the autistic community, not just online, use their own words for the feelings and situations, means that there is indeed a community, and a vibrant one at that. The argument over these words and the connotations they bring about is also a healthy sign. What, perhaps, is not as healthy, is when people say others are not as involved in the culture as others, and thus cannot voice their opinion.
It's not about the validity of the online autistic community, as abhf says, because we know the autistic online (and offline) community to be very valid. Not only just by what it can achieve when it comes to lobbying and "getting things done", but because it is a community, a culture, that cares greatly about itself and its members.
As a newcomer here, myself, I would like to think that I am just as welcome as a person who has known about her autism for 10 years, or, her entire life. Abhf made a parallel to the gay/LGBT community, which has faced criticism due to conformism, and thus I find his parallel to be a good one. Especially is the case here is that one has to conform into the culture adopted by many, rejected by a few.
The choice to use the Rainbow Infinity Symbol as a symbol of "pro-autism", and not the puzzle piece, has been an active choice in the autistic community. As the symbol represent, among other things, the spectrum of autism through the different colors (the differences in our symptoms), it can also represents the difference in our opinion about our culture. As I have previously mentioned, all cultures change. All paradigms are challenged. The Rainbow Infinity Symbol shows this never-ending cycle.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Learned Empathy
I remember when I was growing up in the mid-to-late 90's, there was a heavy emphasis on EQ, or Emotional Intelligence.
Not fitting in with my peers, I become very interested in this EQ-thing, as well as quasi-psychology as Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It was the only thing I knew that could help me understand others, although I don't think the book was meant for, or written about, 10 year olds.
Looking back at it now, I can see it as a "symptom", if you will. Since I was not able to make and keep friends through normal means, I made my peers into "lab rats" and applied the theories I read in the books. It did not really help.
At the time, when EQ was very much in the limelight, I remember not feeling I "fit" with how one should be, EQ-wise. I felt that I did not fit the shape making out "a good person". In 1990, EQ was defined as "the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions.". Read that again, and think of the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Syndrom.
I tried so hard to get a high EQ-score in the tests published in women's magazines. After taking a few, I saw a pattern and adapted my score, manipulating it, if you will, to be able to "brag" about my high scores. I learnt, through these tests and articles, how a "normal person" felt, thought, behaved and treated others. It's a lesson that has stuck with me through my life since then, making me the person I am today, through constant manipulation of my thoughts, feelings and behavior against others.
When I first started reading about Asperger's Syndrome, and autism, I was very against the idea that all autistics have problems with empathy. I still do, in a way, due to the notion that every autistic is different. What I had problems understanding is that there is a fine line between empathy and sympathy.
While empathy is the ability to recognize or understand other people's state of mind or emotion, and what is talked about as being able to "put one self in another person's shoes", sympathy is defined as concern and sorrow for another person's situation or misfortune. The idea that autistics lack empathy is known as Theory of Mind; the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.
Looking at it now, a couple of months on, and with new experiences and understandings of myself as well as autism, I can see that I do not employ this theory of mind. Most of the time I am able to "use" it through the things I have learns about other people, feelings and "common courtesy", but when I'm stressed out, angry and panicked, I catch myself speaking and acting out my true feelings.
One of my greater flaws is my perfectionism. Although I can be very hard on myself to be as perfect as possible, I might be even harder with others, be it the mailman who is an hour late, or a salesperson in a store I gone to to get something I simply must have straight away (yet another flaw, my impatience).
Being able to recognize this flaw, and putting in the context of autism, I see that it is not simply that I am unreasonable, although I clearly am, but it's an unreasonableness I cannot help. The unreasonableness is a product of my lack of empathy, and I have to stop and think about it when I've calmed myself down that maybe, just maybe, this person cannot really do anything more than she or he already is. That is no excuse, thought, because now that I am aware of it, it is something I can work on.
Not fitting in with my peers, I become very interested in this EQ-thing, as well as quasi-psychology as Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It was the only thing I knew that could help me understand others, although I don't think the book was meant for, or written about, 10 year olds.
Looking back at it now, I can see it as a "symptom", if you will. Since I was not able to make and keep friends through normal means, I made my peers into "lab rats" and applied the theories I read in the books. It did not really help.
At the time, when EQ was very much in the limelight, I remember not feeling I "fit" with how one should be, EQ-wise. I felt that I did not fit the shape making out "a good person". In 1990, EQ was defined as "the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions.". Read that again, and think of the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Syndrom.
I tried so hard to get a high EQ-score in the tests published in women's magazines. After taking a few, I saw a pattern and adapted my score, manipulating it, if you will, to be able to "brag" about my high scores. I learnt, through these tests and articles, how a "normal person" felt, thought, behaved and treated others. It's a lesson that has stuck with me through my life since then, making me the person I am today, through constant manipulation of my thoughts, feelings and behavior against others.
When I first started reading about Asperger's Syndrome, and autism, I was very against the idea that all autistics have problems with empathy. I still do, in a way, due to the notion that every autistic is different. What I had problems understanding is that there is a fine line between empathy and sympathy.
While empathy is the ability to recognize or understand other people's state of mind or emotion, and what is talked about as being able to "put one self in another person's shoes", sympathy is defined as concern and sorrow for another person's situation or misfortune. The idea that autistics lack empathy is known as Theory of Mind; the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.
Looking at it now, a couple of months on, and with new experiences and understandings of myself as well as autism, I can see that I do not employ this theory of mind. Most of the time I am able to "use" it through the things I have learns about other people, feelings and "common courtesy", but when I'm stressed out, angry and panicked, I catch myself speaking and acting out my true feelings.
One of my greater flaws is my perfectionism. Although I can be very hard on myself to be as perfect as possible, I might be even harder with others, be it the mailman who is an hour late, or a salesperson in a store I gone to to get something I simply must have straight away (yet another flaw, my impatience).
Being able to recognize this flaw, and putting in the context of autism, I see that it is not simply that I am unreasonable, although I clearly am, but it's an unreasonableness I cannot help. The unreasonableness is a product of my lack of empathy, and I have to stop and think about it when I've calmed myself down that maybe, just maybe, this person cannot really do anything more than she or he already is. That is no excuse, thought, because now that I am aware of it, it is something I can work on.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Coincidental books
After trying to find something to read earlier this summer, I stumbled across Anne Rice's The Witching Hour in our double-stacked bookshelves. Judging from the name and date written on the inside of the cover, it's been 4 or 7 years since I last read it, all depending on how you interpret my writing. Either way, I was glad to find the book. I remember liking it, and the rest of the Mayfair Chronicles "back then", and thought it'd be nice to read it again.
Reading is a slow process for me these days. I struggle a lot with my concentration. The book is slowly dragging along and I haven't made it as far as I used to, where a book of this size would be devoured in a day or so. But, at the same time, I've kept back, because although I've searched, I haven't been able to find the second book of the series, Lasher. A search on Amazon hasn't allowed me to track down the second book with the design matching that of the first, and last, book.
On Monday we went to town to run a couple of errands, and dropped by what once was a roleplaying/manga/anime store, though during the last couple of years, it's degenerated into an overprices comics and DVD-store. Imagine my joy when I found what I thought was the second book, the one I'm missing, stacked away amongst books from another series, only to come home and realize we've bought another "third book".
Going back today to exchange it for the proper book, I was fairly disappointed that they didn't have it in stock. They have taken my order to have it shipped from one of the other stores, if they have it, or from the US, which will take 3-5 weeks. Now that I think about it, I should just ask them to delete the order, as it will be faster for me to just get it from Amazon myself - either way it won't be the same cover design.
Trying to exchange the book, we're told we can't get out money back (this has been a problem with the store from day one, and it's not a common thing in Norway - to be honest, I doubt it's within the laws of purchase), but that we can either get a gift certificate to present when the book is back in stock, or we can exchange it for something else. Roaming through the shelves, I find a book that's been on my Amazon wish list for a few weeks, The Speed of Dark, so I happily purchase that instead.
Amazon.com says:
"Corporate life in early 21st-century America is even more ruthless than it was at the turn of the millennium. Lou Arrendale, well compensated for his remarkable pattern-recognition skills, enjoys his job and expects never to lose it. But he has a new boss, a man who thinks Lou and the others in his building are a liability. Lou and his coworkers are autistic. And the new boss is going to fire Lou and all his coworkers--unless they agree to undergo an experimental new procedure to "cure" them.
In The Speed of Dark, Elizabeth Moon has created a powerful, complex, and believable portrayal of a man who varies radically from what is defined as "normal." The author insightfully explores the nature of "normality," identity, choice, responsibility, free will, illness and health, and good and evil."
Husband found a book of his liking, as well.
Reading is a slow process for me these days. I struggle a lot with my concentration. The book is slowly dragging along and I haven't made it as far as I used to, where a book of this size would be devoured in a day or so. But, at the same time, I've kept back, because although I've searched, I haven't been able to find the second book of the series, Lasher. A search on Amazon hasn't allowed me to track down the second book with the design matching that of the first, and last, book.
On Monday we went to town to run a couple of errands, and dropped by what once was a roleplaying/manga/anime store, though during the last couple of years, it's degenerated into an overprices comics and DVD-store. Imagine my joy when I found what I thought was the second book, the one I'm missing, stacked away amongst books from another series, only to come home and realize we've bought another "third book".
Going back today to exchange it for the proper book, I was fairly disappointed that they didn't have it in stock. They have taken my order to have it shipped from one of the other stores, if they have it, or from the US, which will take 3-5 weeks. Now that I think about it, I should just ask them to delete the order, as it will be faster for me to just get it from Amazon myself - either way it won't be the same cover design.
Trying to exchange the book, we're told we can't get out money back (this has been a problem with the store from day one, and it's not a common thing in Norway - to be honest, I doubt it's within the laws of purchase), but that we can either get a gift certificate to present when the book is back in stock, or we can exchange it for something else. Roaming through the shelves, I find a book that's been on my Amazon wish list for a few weeks, The Speed of Dark, so I happily purchase that instead.
Amazon.com says:
"Corporate life in early 21st-century America is even more ruthless than it was at the turn of the millennium. Lou Arrendale, well compensated for his remarkable pattern-recognition skills, enjoys his job and expects never to lose it. But he has a new boss, a man who thinks Lou and the others in his building are a liability. Lou and his coworkers are autistic. And the new boss is going to fire Lou and all his coworkers--unless they agree to undergo an experimental new procedure to "cure" them.
In The Speed of Dark, Elizabeth Moon has created a powerful, complex, and believable portrayal of a man who varies radically from what is defined as "normal." The author insightfully explores the nature of "normality," identity, choice, responsibility, free will, illness and health, and good and evil."
Husband found a book of his liking, as well.
Monday, July 14, 2008
New books
I received two new books in the mail today, which my husband ordered for me a week ago from Amazon. I was starting to worry that they would not get here before we leave for vacation on Thursday, but they did, so now I've got something to read.
The first is Survival Strategies for People on the Autism Spectrum by Marc Fleicher. It's a "self-help guide for autistic teenagers and adults" that will "help readers improve their quality of life and overcome everyday challenges". The table of context has chapters like The Worry of the 'What If?' Scenario, Rules of Socialising and Dealing with Uncertainty.
The second is Ask and Tell: Self-Advocacy and Disclosure for People on the Autism Spectrum with foreword by Temple Grandin and edited by Stephen M. Shore. It contains articles by people like Ruth Elaine Joyner Hane (Communicating Through Advocacy and Self-Disclosure: Four Ways to Connect) and Liane Holliday Willey (Disclosure and Self-Advocacy: An Open Door Policy).
I hope these books can come in handy; I've been in contact with two men online. One is 28 and has been mis-diagnosed in the past, but got the diagnosis of Asperger's five years ago. The other is 46 and just this spring received his diagnosis. They're both dealing with how to tell others (family and friends, and potential employers and others who will need to know) about their autism. A thread was dedicated to how to be open about the diagnosis on an online message board and we've talked a bit about it there, sharing experiences and worries. I recommeded Coming out Asperger, and they've both bought that one in Norwegian. One of the men also bought a book on Asperger's and employment, but I'm unsure which as he didn't mention the author's name.
Have you read any good books and autism lately? Care to share a few titles?
The first is Survival Strategies for People on the Autism Spectrum by Marc Fleicher. It's a "self-help guide for autistic teenagers and adults" that will "help readers improve their quality of life and overcome everyday challenges". The table of context has chapters like The Worry of the 'What If?' Scenario, Rules of Socialising and Dealing with Uncertainty.
The second is Ask and Tell: Self-Advocacy and Disclosure for People on the Autism Spectrum with foreword by Temple Grandin and edited by Stephen M. Shore. It contains articles by people like Ruth Elaine Joyner Hane (Communicating Through Advocacy and Self-Disclosure: Four Ways to Connect) and Liane Holliday Willey (Disclosure and Self-Advocacy: An Open Door Policy).
I hope these books can come in handy; I've been in contact with two men online. One is 28 and has been mis-diagnosed in the past, but got the diagnosis of Asperger's five years ago. The other is 46 and just this spring received his diagnosis. They're both dealing with how to tell others (family and friends, and potential employers and others who will need to know) about their autism. A thread was dedicated to how to be open about the diagnosis on an online message board and we've talked a bit about it there, sharing experiences and worries. I recommeded Coming out Asperger, and they've both bought that one in Norwegian. One of the men also bought a book on Asperger's and employment, but I'm unsure which as he didn't mention the author's name.
Have you read any good books and autism lately? Care to share a few titles?
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Asperger's Syndrome in Adults - link
I know I keep sharing links with you all, but I happen to stumble upon several good sites or blogs these days. I hope you don't mind.
This has been lying in my RSS-feeder for some time now. My initial thoughts were to comment some of the stuff it mentions, like - symptoms in adults. But, I assume such an entry would be me repeating my symptoms, and I don't think that is necessary?
However, I do find it refreshing when someone writes about autism in adults, and I'm glad someone does it. It's hard finding good information on that subject, and even more so on autistic women.
This has been lying in my RSS-feeder for some time now. My initial thoughts were to comment some of the stuff it mentions, like - symptoms in adults. But, I assume such an entry would be me repeating my symptoms, and I don't think that is necessary?
However, I do find it refreshing when someone writes about autism in adults, and I'm glad someone does it. It's hard finding good information on that subject, and even more so on autistic women.
Video and update
This old post barely touching the subject, and I still think she's better at explaining. I suggest you watch the video.
In other news;
I seem to be one of the statistics. One of those 13.5%.
I saw a doctor today, to receive a diagnosis of social anxiety. After turning of the TV, closing the door to the garden and then hiding behind the bed when the bell rang yesterday, I realized I cannot go on like this. Of course, there are other things as well - waiting to check the mail till the neighsbors are nowhere in sight, not being able to be outside as long as the neighbors can see me, trouble going to the store on my own, et cetera, et cetera. The list goes on.
The doctor was very kind, and agreed with my own conclusion. I had blood drawn just to make sure there's nothing else going on that could give the same symptoms (which I pretty much doubt).
I did not inform her of having Asperger's. I'm going back in August, unless there's something wrong with my blood tests, to talk about what to do now - therapy, group therapy and/or medication. I'm opting for the latter + sessions with the uni psychologist and/or group therapy. That'll be the time to bring up the AS, I think, as that'd the underlying cause as far as I can tell.
Monday, July 7, 2008
I know I've written about this before, but for me it's a very important point that cannot be discussed often enough. It's one of those topics that makes a real distinction be known between parents of autistic children and autistic children themselves. It's the topic of 'name-giving', 'definition' and so on.
On an online forum there has been several debates, finally emerging into a thread of its own whether or not one should say 'person with autism' or 'autistic'. It seems to be that the parents are all for the first, while the afflicted themselves prefer the latter.
Instead of trying to arrange the thoughts in my heads, I'd like to refer to the words of Jim Sinclair, which I was just recently made aware of through Coming out Asperger - Diagnosis, Disclosure and Self-Confidence (and if you haven't already, you should pick up a copy). At the same time, it makes me happy to see that he uses the argumentative style as I've done previously, in "Thoughts on words" and online elsewhere, where I've argued that I am, for instance, "a photographer" and not simply "someone who takes pictures".
On an online forum there has been several debates, finally emerging into a thread of its own whether or not one should say 'person with autism' or 'autistic'. It seems to be that the parents are all for the first, while the afflicted themselves prefer the latter.
Instead of trying to arrange the thoughts in my heads, I'd like to refer to the words of Jim Sinclair, which I was just recently made aware of through Coming out Asperger - Diagnosis, Disclosure and Self-Confidence (and if you haven't already, you should pick up a copy). At the same time, it makes me happy to see that he uses the argumentative style as I've done previously, in "Thoughts on words" and online elsewhere, where I've argued that I am, for instance, "a photographer" and not simply "someone who takes pictures".
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Small talk online
Did you know that people with ASDs and other neurological "disorder" have a different way to use IM than NTs? Generally speaking.
After being online for the last 10 years (more so during some periods, but very much so during the last two years), I've had quite a few IM conversations. For a time of 3 years I ran a very active server where I hosted a few hundred GBs of a few shows, one that is impossible to get on DVDs due to the sheer number of episodes. Especially during that time, I was contacted, often several times a day, by people who either had access or by people who wanted access. And they all had one thing in common; how they started the conversation.
As you are most likely able to figure out by now, these people talked to me in a polite and friendly manner. They said hello, asked how I was doing - you know, dragging it out, sometimes for several topics before the real reason why they contacted me came up.
(Of course, I don't know whether or not anyone of these could be diagnosed with a neurological "disorder", and I cannot remember every single conversation)
Then, this year when I came in "closer contact" with others "like me", I've noticed a different way to talk online. Sure, sometimes we say hello to each other, but most of the time there's no beating around the bush; a window pop up and either there's a simple exclamation, a question of some sort or a link to an article or discussion the sender found interested and wanted to share.
Without dissing the NTs in my life, I prefer the latter way of contacting others through IM. This unnecessary talk about everything else makes me very impatient and restless - either you want something or you don't. Online small talk is generally a hassle.
After being online for the last 10 years (more so during some periods, but very much so during the last two years), I've had quite a few IM conversations. For a time of 3 years I ran a very active server where I hosted a few hundred GBs of a few shows, one that is impossible to get on DVDs due to the sheer number of episodes. Especially during that time, I was contacted, often several times a day, by people who either had access or by people who wanted access. And they all had one thing in common; how they started the conversation.
As you are most likely able to figure out by now, these people talked to me in a polite and friendly manner. They said hello, asked how I was doing - you know, dragging it out, sometimes for several topics before the real reason why they contacted me came up.
(Of course, I don't know whether or not anyone of these could be diagnosed with a neurological "disorder", and I cannot remember every single conversation)
Then, this year when I came in "closer contact" with others "like me", I've noticed a different way to talk online. Sure, sometimes we say hello to each other, but most of the time there's no beating around the bush; a window pop up and either there's a simple exclamation, a question of some sort or a link to an article or discussion the sender found interested and wanted to share.
Without dissing the NTs in my life, I prefer the latter way of contacting others through IM. This unnecessary talk about everything else makes me very impatient and restless - either you want something or you don't. Online small talk is generally a hassle.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Whoa, feelings
Feelings
Whoa, feelings
Whoa, feelings
Get out of my life
Remember that song by Offspring? I suddenly got stuck in my head this morning while I was lying in bed, pondering on this with feelings.
After the test I took last week, I have started to come to the realization that I am very much not on touch with my feelings. Don't read that as if I do not have feelings, because I do - and lots of them, too. My body knows my feelings, but my mind does not. A recent example is a fight I had with my mom where I stared crying, and I did not know I was going to, and did not really register that I did at first. My body is great at letting the world know what I'm feeling. I can begin to cry without "feeling" anything before it happens. When I am poorly, my voice gets slightly whiny, and I have a hard time controlling it.
This is what I do not get with other people - why do they seem so content (which I've learn means 'in a state of peaceful happiness') all the time when my body reveals more or less anything that goes on inside?
To me it seems like other people are not feeling anything at all, and that they are the ones with a "problem" since I have no idea what is going on inside them since their bodies do not act as mine does. I have learned to read body language, at least a bit. I know when my husband has to go to the bathroom, for one. But other than that, I am clueless.
After denying for months that autistics does not have Theory of Mind, and that we do have empathy, I have finally understood it - after lots of reading. I think I have been so dead set against those ideas because I have thought it to mean that we are stupid, or bad people, or... something. But it does not. Just as I have problems understanding whatever is going on inside me, we have problems relating to what others could be feeling right now unless they strongly let us know, either through words or bodily functions like crying. Of course, such actions require that we act, and that is a whole other problem, is it not?
As always, I am unable to follow a blog post through, and offer a conclusion. However, again, that is not really my aim for this blog *wink*
Whoa, feelings
Whoa, feelings
Get out of my life
Remember that song by Offspring? I suddenly got stuck in my head this morning while I was lying in bed, pondering on this with feelings.
After the test I took last week, I have started to come to the realization that I am very much not on touch with my feelings. Don't read that as if I do not have feelings, because I do - and lots of them, too. My body knows my feelings, but my mind does not. A recent example is a fight I had with my mom where I stared crying, and I did not know I was going to, and did not really register that I did at first. My body is great at letting the world know what I'm feeling. I can begin to cry without "feeling" anything before it happens. When I am poorly, my voice gets slightly whiny, and I have a hard time controlling it.
This is what I do not get with other people - why do they seem so content (which I've learn means 'in a state of peaceful happiness') all the time when my body reveals more or less anything that goes on inside?
To me it seems like other people are not feeling anything at all, and that they are the ones with a "problem" since I have no idea what is going on inside them since their bodies do not act as mine does. I have learned to read body language, at least a bit. I know when my husband has to go to the bathroom, for one. But other than that, I am clueless.
After denying for months that autistics does not have Theory of Mind, and that we do have empathy, I have finally understood it - after lots of reading. I think I have been so dead set against those ideas because I have thought it to mean that we are stupid, or bad people, or... something. But it does not. Just as I have problems understanding whatever is going on inside me, we have problems relating to what others could be feeling right now unless they strongly let us know, either through words or bodily functions like crying. Of course, such actions require that we act, and that is a whole other problem, is it not?
As always, I am unable to follow a blog post through, and offer a conclusion. However, again, that is not really my aim for this blog *wink*
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Parents are always to blame
I am currently re-reading Coming out Asperger: Diagnosis, Disclosure and Self-Confidence. Liane Holliday Wiley has the first chapter, which centers around telling or not telling someone you're an aspie.
A few pages into the chapter, she discuss how you can build an aspie person's self-confidence, and admits to being a little overprotective of her own kids. Instead of doing what she did, she propose a few ideas on how to make children aware of their own potential, that they are capable human beings, from a young age. Some of these are early on to let the child help decide what the family should eat, let the child pick out its own bed covers, try things the AS might prove difficult (for some, dance), and such. All in all she has ideas on how aspies can be well-prepared for the real world with the help of their parents.
My parents never knew I am aspie, and thus I was brougt up like a NT-kid, more or less at least, as you'd imagine. This included that I was expected to be able to do everything my sister did, and maybe even more, as I was the youngest. From an early age, I sliced bread and fed myself. I was early able to dress myself. 7 years old, I came home from school at noon, made two hot dogs (with boiling water) and looked after myself till they came home later in the afternoon.
Them not knowing (although they might have suspected something) has made me the person I am today. I can blame them for all kinds of shit that has gone wrong in my life, but instead of that, I'd like the readers of this post to know that sometimes bringing a child up like any other (presuming you don't know something's "off, etc), is a good thing. I consider myself to be "high-functioning", for the most part at least, and I owe that to my parents expectance that I am able to look after and care for myself.
A few pages into the chapter, she discuss how you can build an aspie person's self-confidence, and admits to being a little overprotective of her own kids. Instead of doing what she did, she propose a few ideas on how to make children aware of their own potential, that they are capable human beings, from a young age. Some of these are early on to let the child help decide what the family should eat, let the child pick out its own bed covers, try things the AS might prove difficult (for some, dance), and such. All in all she has ideas on how aspies can be well-prepared for the real world with the help of their parents.
My parents never knew I am aspie, and thus I was brougt up like a NT-kid, more or less at least, as you'd imagine. This included that I was expected to be able to do everything my sister did, and maybe even more, as I was the youngest. From an early age, I sliced bread and fed myself. I was early able to dress myself. 7 years old, I came home from school at noon, made two hot dogs (with boiling water) and looked after myself till they came home later in the afternoon.
Them not knowing (although they might have suspected something) has made me the person I am today. I can blame them for all kinds of shit that has gone wrong in my life, but instead of that, I'd like the readers of this post to know that sometimes bringing a child up like any other (presuming you don't know something's "off, etc), is a good thing. I consider myself to be "high-functioning", for the most part at least, and I owe that to my parents expectance that I am able to look after and care for myself.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Yes, I am awfully slow in updating about the things I say I'll update about. At the end of the spring semester, I said I had a lot of blog entries in my RSS-feeder, that I'd read through them, and then give my opinion on things presented in those blogs. A few weeks on, and I still have done so.
Masks - oh dear
"Now, I want to get rid of them. Partly because they are so hard to maintain, I have to remember all these masks for so many different people, it gets too tiring, and very stressful when I have to deal with two people who are usually not seen together – I have to mix their individual masks and come up with a super mask that fits both people in that situation."
This rings so true! I've done this for as long as I can remember. A lot of this has had to do with my family. As I might, and might not have mentioned before, my family has never allowed for any feelings to be exhibited, for anything "bad" to be out in the open, and any mental issues or disabilities, like Asperger's, would simply not be accepted. This is why I've never stood up for myself when it comes to all the years I've been, often severely, depressed. Neither have I told my mom about me having Asperger's. I'm not sure I ever will.
More specifically, I've had masks for different people all my life. This has to do with my family situation, as I've indicated above. There's one mask for acquaintances, one for my mom, one for my husband, and so on. It has to be mentioned that my husband is silently and carefully pulling the mask further and further over my head, almost removing it completely. I think this is a good thing, but at the same time, I need these masks in order to function. I've blogged about this previously, a few months back, on how I function very well when it's on "my terms".
Masks are, for me, tightly intertwined with the need to mentally prepare for situations, people and possible conversations. Different people require different masks. If I am to talk to a person working in the uni administration, I need to plan for what to say - in which order should I make my needs be known? How can I best explain what I need help with? This preparation calls for a strong and confident mask.
Preparation for lectures and seminars is sort of similar. It's not good, I know, but I prepare for lectures and seminars by sitting next to someone I know will be prone to throwing their hands in the air to answer questions. Sitting next to someone like that will, most likely, have as a consequence that I will not be asked any questions.
"I have decided that this year, I want to make a fresh start."
This is definitely easier said than done.
After becoming aware of my Asperger's, I've felt more confident in myself than ever before. My entire life, I've kept in the shadows, always being the good girl who does what she's told. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but this good girl-syndrome has kept me in a place where I've never wanted to stand up for myself.
Finding out about being on the spectrum coincided, time-wise, with having to be on my own for 6-7 months. During this time I have had to be my own advocate. It's been hard, but it's been necessary, both for practical reasons and for becoming the person I am today.
During this time I've made quite a few new acquaitances, and I have tried my best to make them without the help of my masks. I have succeded as well - when my husband returned home and met with a friend I made during his absence, I noticed that there weren't that big a clash between the mask I wear with his and the mask I wear with her. It's strange, but a welcome feeling.
Masks - oh dear
"Now, I want to get rid of them. Partly because they are so hard to maintain, I have to remember all these masks for so many different people, it gets too tiring, and very stressful when I have to deal with two people who are usually not seen together – I have to mix their individual masks and come up with a super mask that fits both people in that situation."
This rings so true! I've done this for as long as I can remember. A lot of this has had to do with my family. As I might, and might not have mentioned before, my family has never allowed for any feelings to be exhibited, for anything "bad" to be out in the open, and any mental issues or disabilities, like Asperger's, would simply not be accepted. This is why I've never stood up for myself when it comes to all the years I've been, often severely, depressed. Neither have I told my mom about me having Asperger's. I'm not sure I ever will.
More specifically, I've had masks for different people all my life. This has to do with my family situation, as I've indicated above. There's one mask for acquaintances, one for my mom, one for my husband, and so on. It has to be mentioned that my husband is silently and carefully pulling the mask further and further over my head, almost removing it completely. I think this is a good thing, but at the same time, I need these masks in order to function. I've blogged about this previously, a few months back, on how I function very well when it's on "my terms".
Masks are, for me, tightly intertwined with the need to mentally prepare for situations, people and possible conversations. Different people require different masks. If I am to talk to a person working in the uni administration, I need to plan for what to say - in which order should I make my needs be known? How can I best explain what I need help with? This preparation calls for a strong and confident mask.
Preparation for lectures and seminars is sort of similar. It's not good, I know, but I prepare for lectures and seminars by sitting next to someone I know will be prone to throwing their hands in the air to answer questions. Sitting next to someone like that will, most likely, have as a consequence that I will not be asked any questions.
"I have decided that this year, I want to make a fresh start."
This is definitely easier said than done.
After becoming aware of my Asperger's, I've felt more confident in myself than ever before. My entire life, I've kept in the shadows, always being the good girl who does what she's told. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but this good girl-syndrome has kept me in a place where I've never wanted to stand up for myself.
Finding out about being on the spectrum coincided, time-wise, with having to be on my own for 6-7 months. During this time I have had to be my own advocate. It's been hard, but it's been necessary, both for practical reasons and for becoming the person I am today.
During this time I've made quite a few new acquaitances, and I have tried my best to make them without the help of my masks. I have succeded as well - when my husband returned home and met with a friend I made during his absence, I noticed that there weren't that big a clash between the mask I wear with his and the mask I wear with her. It's strange, but a welcome feeling.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Another disorder that is often co-morbid with autism is Alexithymia - a disorder where you have a hard time figuring out just what you're feeling and describing feelings to others. A link on a forum led me to a test where you can "check" if you've got it. My score came to 154.
This and That - nothing much to update about
If you are a recurring guest here, in my blog, you might have noticed the stat counter I've places on the right hand side. It's interesting, in a way - the first few days after I added it, the number of visits was to be expected; a few each day. But, after I merged this blog with my other one and changed the name on my profile, or, "stopped hiding", it's gotten quite a few unique hits as well as recurring visitors. The blog also gets quite a few page reloads - and I can say, not all of them are mine...
The question remains as to why.
* I haven't written any new posts since last Wednesday.
* The last post wasn't a comment to any news article about going-ons in the autistic society - it was on Autistic Pride Day, and a short one at that.
* I don't advertise for this blog anywhere. It's linked to from a couple of profiles on a few message boards, but I doubt that's where the traffic is coming from.
* I haven't posted a comment anywhere, linking to it.
If you're one of these visitors (which you must be since you're reading this right now), please indulge me and tell me how you found me. Do you follow me on a regular basis?
In other news, there are no other news. Life is slowly going by and nothing much happens. We (my husband and I) attended a wedding last Saturday. I'd been a bit anxious about the dinner and party due to social issues. They pretty much came true - I had a hard time "small talking" when my husband wasn't there (he had a flu and came and left the room "as it pleased" him - bless him, he wasn't feeling good), but that was to be expected. My initial problems making social is when no one initiates it. I can small talk, but only if someone talks to me first. The conversations usually die down pretty fast, as they did on Saturday; someone asks me how long I've known the bride, we talk a bit about that. Then they ask what I study in uni, I tell them. And then it goes silent. I have no idea how to ask something back. They usually leave at that point. I don't blame them.
At Aspies for Freedom, there is a new thread on recommendations of books on autism. So far non-fiction books were recommended, but today when I checked the thread, someone had recommended The Speed of Dark, which is a sci-fi book set somewhere in the future where a cure for autism has been found. It can only be used on babies, but a cure for adults are about to be found, and the main character is given the opportunity to take it. I've added it to my wishlist there as I am in desperate need for something to read and because it sounds very, very interesting. And, since I'm rude and all that, here is a link to my wishlist. If nothing else, I have a wide range of autism books on there - maybe you'll find something you want to read. Although the book is no longer on my wish list (since I got it), I can highly recommend Unstrange Minds - Remapping the World of Autism. It offers a "history" of autism - from when it was first "discovered" by Kanner and Asperger, how it was viewed as a form of schizophrenia, how autistics were treated, but also a good insight into how a few selected countries view autism today. It also explains why there is no "autism epidemic". A good read. Get it today.
The question remains as to why.
* I haven't written any new posts since last Wednesday.
* The last post wasn't a comment to any news article about going-ons in the autistic society - it was on Autistic Pride Day, and a short one at that.
* I don't advertise for this blog anywhere. It's linked to from a couple of profiles on a few message boards, but I doubt that's where the traffic is coming from.
* I haven't posted a comment anywhere, linking to it.
If you're one of these visitors (which you must be since you're reading this right now), please indulge me and tell me how you found me. Do you follow me on a regular basis?
In other news, there are no other news. Life is slowly going by and nothing much happens. We (my husband and I) attended a wedding last Saturday. I'd been a bit anxious about the dinner and party due to social issues. They pretty much came true - I had a hard time "small talking" when my husband wasn't there (he had a flu and came and left the room "as it pleased" him - bless him, he wasn't feeling good), but that was to be expected. My initial problems making social is when no one initiates it. I can small talk, but only if someone talks to me first. The conversations usually die down pretty fast, as they did on Saturday; someone asks me how long I've known the bride, we talk a bit about that. Then they ask what I study in uni, I tell them. And then it goes silent. I have no idea how to ask something back. They usually leave at that point. I don't blame them.
At Aspies for Freedom, there is a new thread on recommendations of books on autism. So far non-fiction books were recommended, but today when I checked the thread, someone had recommended The Speed of Dark, which is a sci-fi book set somewhere in the future where a cure for autism has been found. It can only be used on babies, but a cure for adults are about to be found, and the main character is given the opportunity to take it. I've added it to my wishlist there as I am in desperate need for something to read and because it sounds very, very interesting. And, since I'm rude and all that, here is a link to my wishlist. If nothing else, I have a wide range of autism books on there - maybe you'll find something you want to read. Although the book is no longer on my wish list (since I got it), I can highly recommend Unstrange Minds - Remapping the World of Autism. It offers a "history" of autism - from when it was first "discovered" by Kanner and Asperger, how it was viewed as a form of schizophrenia, how autistics were treated, but also a good insight into how a few selected countries view autism today. It also explains why there is no "autism epidemic". A good read. Get it today.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Autistic Pride Day
Today is Autistic Pride Day.
Today I changed my profile here on Blogspot to include my real name. I also changed my user names on two online message boards to my real name.
Although I've done so, I have not included my surname. Proud or not, I have no real desire to shout it from the roof tops.
Today I changed my profile here on Blogspot to include my real name. I also changed my user names on two online message boards to my real name.
Although I've done so, I have not included my surname. Proud or not, I have no real desire to shout it from the roof tops.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Meeting others on the spectrum
I think one of the most common 'fears' of those self-diagnosed, or "self-dx'ed" if you will, is the fear of thinking you're just imagining this, you're not really autistic, and it's just something you've made up to cover up something else. It certainly has been for me, although the semi-official diagnosis on Feb. 11, 2008 has made me feel more certain that I'm an indeed right.
Others have said it before me, and I'll say it here - meeting others on the spectrum, either with or without an official diagnosis might help you figure out in which camp you belong.
This spring I was fortunate enough to find a group of parents of kids recently diagnosed as Aspergic. Originally consisting of parents from a nearby municipality, I was accepted to a meeting as the first autistic person (although the parents often have traits themselves). After being very nervous in the car, I was happy to learn that these people were all great, and they made me feel very welcome and needed - they asked me questions and were genuinely interested (as far as I can tell). So far I've met these people thrice - two times in one of the homes, once at a café, with only two of them.
I've also been a part of two meetings consisting of auties only. One should think that in an area of a mere 181 000 people it'd be "hard" finding others on the spectrum. So far I have a confirmed number of 7, and I suspect two students on campus that I've run into (who seem clearly autistic), a professor who can be nothing but, and a few more.
Meeting these people has proven a very valid point, one that I cannot stress enough; each autistic is as different from each other as each NT is different from every other NT. What we have in common is certain traits. It's no use trying to compare us, and say that one cannot be autistic because she is not interested in the same things as he is. The traits that makes us autistic varies in severity, making us different and faceted people. It has also showed me that I have found my camp, no matter how many times I'll have to endure comments like "you're not autistic - you can talk!" and "you seem so outgoing!".
Others have said it before me, and I'll say it here - meeting others on the spectrum, either with or without an official diagnosis might help you figure out in which camp you belong.
This spring I was fortunate enough to find a group of parents of kids recently diagnosed as Aspergic. Originally consisting of parents from a nearby municipality, I was accepted to a meeting as the first autistic person (although the parents often have traits themselves). After being very nervous in the car, I was happy to learn that these people were all great, and they made me feel very welcome and needed - they asked me questions and were genuinely interested (as far as I can tell). So far I've met these people thrice - two times in one of the homes, once at a café, with only two of them.
I've also been a part of two meetings consisting of auties only. One should think that in an area of a mere 181 000 people it'd be "hard" finding others on the spectrum. So far I have a confirmed number of 7, and I suspect two students on campus that I've run into (who seem clearly autistic), a professor who can be nothing but, and a few more.
Meeting these people has proven a very valid point, one that I cannot stress enough; each autistic is as different from each other as each NT is different from every other NT. What we have in common is certain traits. It's no use trying to compare us, and say that one cannot be autistic because she is not interested in the same things as he is. The traits that makes us autistic varies in severity, making us different and faceted people. It has also showed me that I have found my camp, no matter how many times I'll have to endure comments like "you're not autistic - you can talk!" and "you seem so outgoing!".
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Petition against Autism Speaks
I think this is pretty much all over the autie-friendly sites in English, but if you haven't seen it yet, here is a petition against Autism Speaks. Unfortunately, it can only be signed once per IP.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Yet again, long time I've updated. My only excuse is that 'real life' has gotten in the way. Since I last updated, my husband passed his exam in Denmark and returned to Norway. Before, and after, that I've had 4 exams of my own - two of them being oral exams, and I guess every autistic person reading this understands why I emphasise it :P
That aside, I have several blog posts from Autism Hub that I want to read more thoroughly, and "respond" to them (give it my take, if you will). Now that uni's over for the semester, I should have time for that soon. Soon = maybe before June 21st, but more likely after, and the list of posts to respond to will only grow longer. June 21st is the day a friend will get married, and I'm her maid of honor, believe it or not.
I hope you can endure the wait.
That aside, I have several blog posts from Autism Hub that I want to read more thoroughly, and "respond" to them (give it my take, if you will). Now that uni's over for the semester, I should have time for that soon. Soon = maybe before June 21st, but more likely after, and the list of posts to respond to will only grow longer. June 21st is the day a friend will get married, and I'm her maid of honor, believe it or not.
I hope you can endure the wait.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Parents vs. kids, or, parents vs. adult autistics
Again, I'm sorry for not updating as often as I, perhaps, once did - Life has gotten in the way.
I'm about to wander into a topic I'm not too keen on blogging about - because it can be hurtful. I'll keep it brief, and to the point. This post is not so much a discussion as it is for information.
I once read a brilliant line; what happens to the autistic kid when he turns 18? Is he magically cured, or... does he die? You see, autistic adults exist, and there will "be" more of us in a very short time due to the increase in diagnosises made, which again is due to a better understanding about autism. This means that the society will have to "get used to" us in a different way than what has been the norm up until now. Of course, there has always been autistic adults (and I'm not just thinking about those categorized as 'low-functioning), but now we're getting more and more visible (think something along the lines of the "we're here, we're queer, get used to it"-mentality).
This brings up an interesting discussions, and possibly, problems. Parents of autistic kids are more than aware that their kids are growing up - but, what happens once they're adults? Will they be able to care for themselves? Get a job, get married, and have a family of their own? I believe many will - many already does.
I'm as lucky that I've gotten in touch with several parents over the last couple of months. Firstly, parents at www.autismesiden.no's message board. Later, at Asperger Rogaland. The latter is a 'real-life' group of parents of kids from the age of 9-17 (I think). I've only met them twice, but it's been nice meetings both time, with interesting discussion and a whole lot of epiphanies (at least for me). It seems that I'm not the only one learning and discovering things about myself and autism, but that I can help them, as well.
At the last meeting, Ivar came along as well, and he brought his mother. I hope they both will be regulars from now on.
Talking about that - Ivar and I are hoping to now form a regular group of youth and adults around here. We have out first gathering next Friday. If you're reading this, and is from the area around Stavanger, please check out MeetUp and our Google Group.
I'm about to wander into a topic I'm not too keen on blogging about - because it can be hurtful. I'll keep it brief, and to the point. This post is not so much a discussion as it is for information.
I once read a brilliant line; what happens to the autistic kid when he turns 18? Is he magically cured, or... does he die? You see, autistic adults exist, and there will "be" more of us in a very short time due to the increase in diagnosises made, which again is due to a better understanding about autism. This means that the society will have to "get used to" us in a different way than what has been the norm up until now. Of course, there has always been autistic adults (and I'm not just thinking about those categorized as 'low-functioning), but now we're getting more and more visible (think something along the lines of the "we're here, we're queer, get used to it"-mentality).
This brings up an interesting discussions, and possibly, problems. Parents of autistic kids are more than aware that their kids are growing up - but, what happens once they're adults? Will they be able to care for themselves? Get a job, get married, and have a family of their own? I believe many will - many already does.
I'm as lucky that I've gotten in touch with several parents over the last couple of months. Firstly, parents at www.autismesiden.no's message board. Later, at Asperger Rogaland. The latter is a 'real-life' group of parents of kids from the age of 9-17 (I think). I've only met them twice, but it's been nice meetings both time, with interesting discussion and a whole lot of epiphanies (at least for me). It seems that I'm not the only one learning and discovering things about myself and autism, but that I can help them, as well.
At the last meeting, Ivar came along as well, and he brought his mother. I hope they both will be regulars from now on.
Talking about that - Ivar and I are hoping to now form a regular group of youth and adults around here. We have out first gathering next Friday. If you're reading this, and is from the area around Stavanger, please check out MeetUp and our Google Group.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Thoughts
Still over two weeks without any "real" posts. I apologize.
Since then I've had a few "revelations" and have decided to document them in a word-document, if I am ever to get a "proper" assessment (in addition to my own self-understanding and the "confirmation" I had back in February, by a professional). The only problem so far is that I tend to remember things right before I fall asleep. That is my main time for pondering. Most of the time I have trouble sleeping, although not due to worrying. So, I ponder. And I always think to myself that I will remember and write it down on the Mac in the morning. I never do. I guess this is why it's recommended to keep a notebook with you - so that you can jot it down right there and then.
Has anyone else done this sort of thing? Has it been useful during the assessment process?
Since then I've had a few "revelations" and have decided to document them in a word-document, if I am ever to get a "proper" assessment (in addition to my own self-understanding and the "confirmation" I had back in February, by a professional). The only problem so far is that I tend to remember things right before I fall asleep. That is my main time for pondering. Most of the time I have trouble sleeping, although not due to worrying. So, I ponder. And I always think to myself that I will remember and write it down on the Mac in the morning. I never do. I guess this is why it's recommended to keep a notebook with you - so that you can jot it down right there and then.
Has anyone else done this sort of thing? Has it been useful during the assessment process?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Problem with comments
There seems to be a problem with comments. I have moderation turned on, and usually all comments are e-mailed to me so that I can approve them.
However, this hasn't happened lately. If I don't approve your comment, it's not because I don't want it visible. It's because I haven't been notified of them. Please try to leave the comment again, or email me at johnsen.sara@gmail.com.
However, this hasn't happened lately. If I don't approve your comment, it's not because I don't want it visible. It's because I haven't been notified of them. Please try to leave the comment again, or email me at johnsen.sara@gmail.com.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Intelligence - what ever that is.
Wow! Almost two weeks without a single post! Even though this blog is for myself and my own "exploration" of being Asperger, I hope someone's missed me and/or my posts.
Either way... Lately I've seen the subject of intelligence pop up on different message boards dealing with Asperger's. Now, I know scientists like Atwood says that Aspergers have "no delay in cognitive development" and "normal to above normal" intelligence (if I remember correctly, an IQ of 70 or less would indicate that you are "mentally challenged" or whatever the political correct word today is).
However, what I've noticed is that whenever this comes up in debates, be it on how you scored on tests during assessment or other times your IQ was measured, the Aspies reveal themselves to be one of the "above normal".
I'm not trying to say that they're lying, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only "dumb" Aspie out there. I've never had an intelligence test, but I doubt I'd score all that high. While we're being truthful here, I'm scared of having one because I dread the potential outcome. To be completely honest, I feel dumb. Thick. Stupid. And such words. I've never been good at math or exhibited other stereotypical intelligent-Aspie traits. I'm not gifted in any way. And the things I'm "good" at, well, I'm not really good at them. Not like other Aspies describe themselves to be.
I'm not going anywhere with this, I just have to get this out.
Either way... Lately I've seen the subject of intelligence pop up on different message boards dealing with Asperger's. Now, I know scientists like Atwood says that Aspergers have "no delay in cognitive development" and "normal to above normal" intelligence (if I remember correctly, an IQ of 70 or less would indicate that you are "mentally challenged" or whatever the political correct word today is).
However, what I've noticed is that whenever this comes up in debates, be it on how you scored on tests during assessment or other times your IQ was measured, the Aspies reveal themselves to be one of the "above normal".
I'm not trying to say that they're lying, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only "dumb" Aspie out there. I've never had an intelligence test, but I doubt I'd score all that high. While we're being truthful here, I'm scared of having one because I dread the potential outcome. To be completely honest, I feel dumb. Thick. Stupid. And such words. I've never been good at math or exhibited other stereotypical intelligent-Aspie traits. I'm not gifted in any way. And the things I'm "good" at, well, I'm not really good at them. Not like other Aspies describe themselves to be.
I'm not going anywhere with this, I just have to get this out.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
A whole new way
Lately I've been so social I find myself more and more exhausted. It's resulting in problems with the phone. I struggle to answer the phone on the best of days; I can talk on the phone with my husband (who's currently in another country) and some acquaintances (however, I don't like it).
It's turning into a problem because I have had several calls towards the end of the week from people at the student paper I work at. I know they're calling to ask me to step in last minute for some photography, but I've been unable to face not only the call, but them as well; if I had picked up I'd have to make up an excuse for not taking the job.
The question now is how to fix it? I have let it be known that I'm not too keen on phones right from the start, but I don't expect people to remember that. If I'm contacted over e-mail or text message, it's no problem, but... I'm not. I'm debating whether or not to tell about my social anxiety and/or Asperger's. I could say that I don't do phones but people always want a reason why.
It's turning into a problem because I have had several calls towards the end of the week from people at the student paper I work at. I know they're calling to ask me to step in last minute for some photography, but I've been unable to face not only the call, but them as well; if I had picked up I'd have to make up an excuse for not taking the job.
The question now is how to fix it? I have let it be known that I'm not too keen on phones right from the start, but I don't expect people to remember that. If I'm contacted over e-mail or text message, it's no problem, but... I'm not. I'm debating whether or not to tell about my social anxiety and/or Asperger's. I could say that I don't do phones but people always want a reason why.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Random thought
Autistics are said to be more aware of details than NTs, right? As a photographer I've been told that what often makes my photos good are that they have a good focus on... you got it; details.
Thoughts?
Thoughts?
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Another comparisson
Currently in Feminist Theory-lecture, which I've mentioned previously.
"It is said that Muslim Women are suppressed. Yet, no one asks them how they feel. It's a given that they are. However, some Norwegian Women have spoken freely and loudly that they are indeed not suppressed."
"They cannot represent themselves, they must be represented" (Marx, 1853)
I guess you're all see where I'm going here...
We need to step up our game.
"It is said that Muslim Women are suppressed. Yet, no one asks them how they feel. It's a given that they are. However, some Norwegian Women have spoken freely and loudly that they are indeed not suppressed."
"They cannot represent themselves, they must be represented" (Marx, 1853)
I guess you're all see where I'm going here...
We need to step up our game.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
The chameleon
Another trip to the university library bore fruits. I came home with a bag full of book on autism that I haven't seen there before. They're very popular, it seems.
One in th batch is Donna William's Autism - An inside-out approach. I haven't gotten very much beyond the foreword, yet, but I do hope I'll enjoy it. I particularly want to bring up a paragraph that reminds me so of myself:
By my teenage years, I began to be too aware of the feeling of being alien. Unable to have even consistently shared true self-expression or real emotion with anyone, I grasped the absolutely emptiness of what the world held for me. My answer to this was to follow and mimic anybody who would take me along for the ride and to move through life as fast as possible do I didn't ave to stop to feel how bad and out of control it all felt. (Williams , 1996: 3, own emphasis)
As I've already mentioned, this hit close to home for me. Growing up, I was a chameleon of sorts. My AS "stopped" me from developing my own sense of being and I was continuously mimicking other people's meanings, sense of fashion and way to express themselves. I believe this is called social echolalia (which is also such a great word to say out loud!). It's not that I don't have my own personality, it's just that I have a tendency to take after whoever I'm around. I still do this. And I don't know how to not do it.
The problem with this is that I don't know how to really be me, because I cannot stop this form of behavior. The other problem is that there are stock phrases and expressions that are so 'alien' to me that I don't know how to use them, and thus, I am often perceived as impolite. The mere thought of saying hello when you meet someone on the street is uncomfortable, and I'd rather not be in a situation where I have to compliment anyone; I don't know how to best do it.
One in th batch is Donna William's Autism - An inside-out approach. I haven't gotten very much beyond the foreword, yet, but I do hope I'll enjoy it. I particularly want to bring up a paragraph that reminds me so of myself:
By my teenage years, I began to be too aware of the feeling of being alien. Unable to have even consistently shared true self-expression or real emotion with anyone, I grasped the absolutely emptiness of what the world held for me. My answer to this was to follow and mimic anybody who would take me along for the ride and to move through life as fast as possible do I didn't ave to stop to feel how bad and out of control it all felt. (Williams , 1996: 3, own emphasis)
As I've already mentioned, this hit close to home for me. Growing up, I was a chameleon of sorts. My AS "stopped" me from developing my own sense of being and I was continuously mimicking other people's meanings, sense of fashion and way to express themselves. I believe this is called social echolalia (which is also such a great word to say out loud!). It's not that I don't have my own personality, it's just that I have a tendency to take after whoever I'm around. I still do this. And I don't know how to not do it.
The problem with this is that I don't know how to really be me, because I cannot stop this form of behavior. The other problem is that there are stock phrases and expressions that are so 'alien' to me that I don't know how to use them, and thus, I am often perceived as impolite. The mere thought of saying hello when you meet someone on the street is uncomfortable, and I'd rather not be in a situation where I have to compliment anyone; I don't know how to best do it.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Not just
A, but not-just-A.
Woman, but not just a woman.
Autistic, but not just autistic.
But-just-Autistic when it comes to activism.
Woman, but not just a woman.
Autistic, but not just autistic.
But-just-Autistic when it comes to activism.
Friday, March 21, 2008
The colors between the lines
I've only "known" for the last 4 months that I'm somewhere along the autistic spectrum (Asperger's seems to fit the best), and it's only been a little over a month since a professional agreed with me, but during that time I have been very busy "connecting the dots", as you'd say between my behavior (during childhood and now) and my autism. It's not a conscious action, but suddenly I remember things I've done, or, thing people have said I did and see a clear connection at the same time. It's eerie, in a way.
One of the latest two lines between the dots is the mall-meltdown incident I mentioned in the previous post.
The other one is more connected to symptoms of autism; apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals (DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for 299.80 Asperger's Disorder). My mom was, when I was around 6 months old, driving, with me, to the city. The freeway we used has a tunnel. One opening for north-bound traffic, and one for the south-bound traffic. But, this day, there was some maintenance work being done, and one of the directions was closed off, and the traffic was directed into the other opening. I went ballistic. Screamed and kicked and flapped. I'm not saying "normal" kids won't, or can't, respond the same way, but it got me wondering...
One of the latest two lines between the dots is the mall-meltdown incident I mentioned in the previous post.
The other one is more connected to symptoms of autism; apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals (DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for 299.80 Asperger's Disorder). My mom was, when I was around 6 months old, driving, with me, to the city. The freeway we used has a tunnel. One opening for north-bound traffic, and one for the south-bound traffic. But, this day, there was some maintenance work being done, and one of the directions was closed off, and the traffic was directed into the other opening. I went ballistic. Screamed and kicked and flapped. I'm not saying "normal" kids won't, or can't, respond the same way, but it got me wondering...
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Meltdowns, or the lack of
Of course, I cannot for the life of me remember where I read it, but it was yesterday or the day before that I came across a blog entry (I think) where this autistic person said that (s)he had been able to refrain from public meltdowns. Anyone know which one I'm talking about?
As you might or might now know,
I don't recall having had many meltdowns during my childhood. If I did, they were never called meltdowns. I was just a "bad girl who didn't know how to behave". The story that often comes up is that of the 3 year old me at the mall with my mom, "throwing a complete tantrum" so bad my mom had to pick me up and carry me under her arm out of the mall.
Several people describe how their autistic kids can be such angels when they're "in public", yet act as monsters behind closed doors. This was true for me as well, and is something I still do from time to time. I can be nice, civil and polite during "office hours", and then unleash everything once I get home. I'm not easy to live with, I know, and this is something I'm working on. I distincively remember being embarrassed them few time I "lost it", and I think therefore I started to restrict it to when I was home.
Do you think autistics are able to "control themselves" from melting down in public? Are there any gender-differences when it comes to meltdowns? The source I've quoted mentions that autistic adults often get depressed (and 'shut down') instead of melt down. I think this is particularly true for women (not saying it doesn't happen to men). Autistic or not, most "high-functioning" autistics become aware of the effect they have on others on one level or the other some time and begin to "adjust" their behavior. I'm not saying everyone does this, but I know I've done it, and I assume this is very true for the female aspie.
Let's face it. Girls are brought up differently, either the parents admit to it or not. That's just the way it is. Even thought my parents at least tried to give both of us a "gender-less" upbringing, the society we live in made it impossible. If our parents didn't encourage us to be free of gender-presumptions, the school sure as hell didn't. I remember being told that girls should be so and so (nice, polite) and boys could do whatever they wanted. And this is the problem with autism diagnostics today. Because boys are expected to be 'free', it's more "okay" for a boy to have ADHD/autism/whatever, but girls are so played down that most of them tone down their overall behavior + autism don't manifest itself the same way in females. This is a never-ending argument, so I'll just leave it as this; food for thought.
As you might or might now know,
A meltdown is condition where the Aspie temporarily loses control due to emotional responses to environmental factors.
It generally appears that the aspie has lost control over a single and specific issue however this is very rarely the case. Usually, the problem is the cumulation of a number of irritations which could span a fairly long period of time, particularly given the strong long-term memory facilities of the aspie.
[...]
The meltdown appears to most people as a tantrum or dummy spit. There are marked differences between adults and children.
Children tend to flop onto the ground and shout, scream or cry. Quite often, they will display violent behaviour such as hitting or kicking.
(source)
I don't recall having had many meltdowns during my childhood. If I did, they were never called meltdowns. I was just a "bad girl who didn't know how to behave". The story that often comes up is that of the 3 year old me at the mall with my mom, "throwing a complete tantrum" so bad my mom had to pick me up and carry me under her arm out of the mall.
Several people describe how their autistic kids can be such angels when they're "in public", yet act as monsters behind closed doors. This was true for me as well, and is something I still do from time to time. I can be nice, civil and polite during "office hours", and then unleash everything once I get home. I'm not easy to live with, I know, and this is something I'm working on. I distincively remember being embarrassed them few time I "lost it", and I think therefore I started to restrict it to when I was home.
Do you think autistics are able to "control themselves" from melting down in public? Are there any gender-differences when it comes to meltdowns? The source I've quoted mentions that autistic adults often get depressed (and 'shut down') instead of melt down. I think this is particularly true for women (not saying it doesn't happen to men). Autistic or not, most "high-functioning" autistics become aware of the effect they have on others on one level or the other some time and begin to "adjust" their behavior. I'm not saying everyone does this, but I know I've done it, and I assume this is very true for the female aspie.
Let's face it. Girls are brought up differently, either the parents admit to it or not. That's just the way it is. Even thought my parents at least tried to give both of us a "gender-less" upbringing, the society we live in made it impossible. If our parents didn't encourage us to be free of gender-presumptions, the school sure as hell didn't. I remember being told that girls should be so and so (nice, polite) and boys could do whatever they wanted. And this is the problem with autism diagnostics today. Because boys are expected to be 'free', it's more "okay" for a boy to have ADHD/autism/whatever, but girls are so played down that most of them tone down their overall behavior + autism don't manifest itself the same way in females. This is a never-ending argument, so I'll just leave it as this; food for thought.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Parallels
I just got out of a lecture on feminist theory 15 minutes ago and am currently sitting in a study hall at the university I attend. The class is every Thursday, and it's the one class I'm really looking forward to each week. Feminist theory and gender research is not a major obsession, but a long-lasting one and I'm happy the university is finally offering at least something like "this", small as it is.
We've been dealing with feminists like de Beauvoir, Firestone, Irigaray, Butler and Wittig (and probably a few more as well so far), having a look at their ideologies, theories and opinions. Of course, they all assume the position that females are oppressed by males, but there is more than that. How is gender made? What mattes when it comes to your individual representation of yourself as a male or a female? We're also writing a paper on this, which has to be handed in tonight (don't remind me).
Today we had a good hard look at our own prejudice. We were faced with several photos and had to classify whether or not the subject was female or male. Why did we think either way? We had to make lists as to why we had these assumptions about the people; characteristics as we saw them as well as the feelings the picture evokes. At the end, the lecture was about Wittig and Butler and how their theories deal with how we made ourselves known as genders. This struck a somewhat familiar chord.
Butler says that gender is biologically conditioned, but you adapt to the cultural (sociological) classification for the sex you are born with (biological sex). To these sociological gender, there are certain "expectations" you have to live up to. let's say you're a woman. You are expected to dress as "we" think women should dress and hold "feminine" qualities as be a good cook (even though the best chefs in the world are men), want and desire children and to become a mother. Of course, Butler goes even further and says that lesbian women are unable to live up to the expectations met in society and that one should, in some way, resolve sex as it's actually culturally defines after all - how we perceive sex depends on our culture. Maybe that isn't as relevant here... Or is it?
Can't a parallel be drawn to aspies in the NT world here? You see - as aspie as though we may be, we are still "expected" to act NT, to be NT. We as humans are seen as the same as NTs. We are to be the same. But, some of us (be it aspie, HFA or "low-functioning") can't live up to how NT-society works. There you go. That's the parallel. That puny paragraph. That's all I have to say after you've read all this.
I'm soooo tempted to write such a comparison in my paper, and thus out myself as an autistic.
We've been dealing with feminists like de Beauvoir, Firestone, Irigaray, Butler and Wittig (and probably a few more as well so far), having a look at their ideologies, theories and opinions. Of course, they all assume the position that females are oppressed by males, but there is more than that. How is gender made? What mattes when it comes to your individual representation of yourself as a male or a female? We're also writing a paper on this, which has to be handed in tonight (don't remind me).
Today we had a good hard look at our own prejudice. We were faced with several photos and had to classify whether or not the subject was female or male. Why did we think either way? We had to make lists as to why we had these assumptions about the people; characteristics as we saw them as well as the feelings the picture evokes. At the end, the lecture was about Wittig and Butler and how their theories deal with how we made ourselves known as genders. This struck a somewhat familiar chord.
Butler says that gender is biologically conditioned, but you adapt to the cultural (sociological) classification for the sex you are born with (biological sex). To these sociological gender, there are certain "expectations" you have to live up to. let's say you're a woman. You are expected to dress as "we" think women should dress and hold "feminine" qualities as be a good cook (even though the best chefs in the world are men), want and desire children and to become a mother. Of course, Butler goes even further and says that lesbian women are unable to live up to the expectations met in society and that one should, in some way, resolve sex as it's actually culturally defines after all - how we perceive sex depends on our culture. Maybe that isn't as relevant here... Or is it?
Can't a parallel be drawn to aspies in the NT world here? You see - as aspie as though we may be, we are still "expected" to act NT, to be NT. We as humans are seen as the same as NTs. We are to be the same. But, some of us (be it aspie, HFA or "low-functioning") can't live up to how NT-society works. There you go. That's the parallel. That puny paragraph. That's all I have to say after you've read all this.
I'm soooo tempted to write such a comparison in my paper, and thus out myself as an autistic.
Broken promises
You know what annoy me? That people cannot keep their appointment. I know it's a classical AS-trait to be irritated, annoyed, furious even, but that doesn't really do me any good when I having these feelings.
I just wish people would start realizing that there's someone else beside them in this world and when you do know that someone has AS, please consider this as you make and break appointments.
I'm not trying to say that you always have to keep the aspies in your life happy, but something as basic as keeping appointments unless something drastic happens is a small thing for you, but a great one for us. I know I have a weekly planner and I know how much I hate it when my carefully planned (and written) to do/appointment-lists are disturbed.
Just had to let off some steam.
I just wish people would start realizing that there's someone else beside them in this world and when you do know that someone has AS, please consider this as you make and break appointments.
I'm not trying to say that you always have to keep the aspies in your life happy, but something as basic as keeping appointments unless something drastic happens is a small thing for you, but a great one for us. I know I have a weekly planner and I know how much I hate it when my carefully planned (and written) to do/appointment-lists are disturbed.
Just had to let off some steam.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Household chores
I was always the lazy kid. I never cleaned my room. I've had piles upon piles of stuff lying on the floor because I "simply" cannot see where it all should go.
I never knew this could be connected with my now-apparent autism. Zosia Zaks writes in her book Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Autistic Adults that this is normal for some autistics;
She continues:
All this is true for me. I seem incapable of sorting my stuff and as a result, there are books piled on the floor, DVDs by the computer screen (even though we have a perfectly funtioning DVD-shelf). Things pile up. Easily.
I've referred to myself as well-functioning in the past. I still think I am. To a certain point. The truth of the matter is that I, as said previously, function very well "in my own environment". This includes, but is not limited to, that I have a wonderful husband who take on a lot of chores (and leaves me with a very guilty conscience) as well as a mother who feeds me while he's away.
Still, it's not all that easy. Some say that what differ most autistics from those with Asperger's is that aspies have a "want" for a social life. We want relationships. We want friends. But it's kinda hard to invite someone over when your house looks like something out of movie dealing with what happens after the zombie-invasion and your house could be a set.
I never knew this could be connected with my now-apparent autism. Zosia Zaks writes in her book Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Autistic Adults that this is normal for some autistics;
While not everyone on the autism spectrum has trouble getting and staying organized, many of us have a tough time creating a comfortable place to live. (p. 27)
She continues:
Some autistic people have difficulty managing all the tasks that go into maintaining a home. What has to be done first? Where do you begin?
[...]
Autistic people may also have trouble sorting different objects in the home. For example, we may not realize that the enormous pile of "stuff" on the bed can be broken down into separate piles of clothes, books, papers, and trash, and therefore managed more easily. It may be difficult to sort and control things that arrive in the home, with newspapers winding up all over the place and packages left by the door for weeks. It may not be obvious where to store items either.
[...]
Well-meaning non-autistic friends or relatives can inadvertently put pressure on us or assume we are lazy, in fact, we may have be having serious trouble caring for our living quarters, futher fueling a sense of frustration. (p. 28-29)
All this is true for me. I seem incapable of sorting my stuff and as a result, there are books piled on the floor, DVDs by the computer screen (even though we have a perfectly funtioning DVD-shelf). Things pile up. Easily.
I've referred to myself as well-functioning in the past. I still think I am. To a certain point. The truth of the matter is that I, as said previously, function very well "in my own environment". This includes, but is not limited to, that I have a wonderful husband who take on a lot of chores (and leaves me with a very guilty conscience) as well as a mother who feeds me while he's away.
Still, it's not all that easy. Some say that what differ most autistics from those with Asperger's is that aspies have a "want" for a social life. We want relationships. We want friends. But it's kinda hard to invite someone over when your house looks like something out of movie dealing with what happens after the zombie-invasion and your house could be a set.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
The Question
The psychologist asked me if I thought I would have had an easier life if the diagnosis had been made earlier, in my childhood.
Yes: I would have had the right to get help for living with th condition.
No: I would easily have been labeled and maybe not "expected" to make it as far as I've done.
I'm having a hard time choose. I didn't give him a satisfactory answer.
Yes: I would have had the right to get help for living with th condition.
No: I would easily have been labeled and maybe not "expected" to make it as far as I've done.
I'm having a hard time choose. I didn't give him a satisfactory answer.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Thet extra little second
It's peculiar how much I've grown accustomed to the AS. Whenever I've read the symptoms and how aspies, in social situations and such, takes a second or so to respond (and therefore may have problems with conversations), I haven't been sure if I do that. Same with the symptom of having to have things "spelled out". But, yesterday I "caught" my brain in doing that logical deduction as to "what I was to understand". It was just a split second where I didn't know what the other person wanted of me until she made a comment that made me able of deducting my way to the answer and behave appropriately.
It's not something I've been aware of before figuring out the AS, but as with so may others who are diagnosed when they are adults, I've started self-analyzing, maybe a bit excessively. Either way, it's the first time I've been aware of how my brain process verbal commands where some information is missing.
It's not something I've been aware of before figuring out the AS, but as with so may others who are diagnosed when they are adults, I've started self-analyzing, maybe a bit excessively. Either way, it's the first time I've been aware of how my brain process verbal commands where some information is missing.
Monday, March 3, 2008
In between
After I briefly discussed my high vs. low-functioning moments last week, I want to take a minute to elaborate a bit more on that subject.
I have never, to the better of my knowledge, met any other autistics. There is a professor at my uni who seem very autistic (gait, how he seems to have planned every single moment of the lecture, his lack of eye contact, how he sometimes doesn't get it when the students make jokes) plus another student who someone said has Asperger's. I cannot confirm either, and I don't fit either of them, if that's a good way of putting it.
Due to the extensive criteria for Aspergers/HFA and the diversity of autistics, I have yet to find someone who I can really relate to. The stereotypical Aspie doesn't fit me; everyone seems to think that Aspies are geniuses who are brilliant when it comes to numbers, are unable to carry a conversation, will never marry or even have a girlfriend (note the word) and behaves oddly. Judging from the number that 1 in 150 is somewhere on the Spectrum, I don't think this is the case at all. Hell, I know that's not the case. Aspies are just as diverse as normal people, or NTs as I prefer to call them.
Let's take a look at the stereotypical aspie I just described and compare it to me;
My point is that there are so many different ways to be autistic. I'm one. You might be another. And neither of us are just as another. However comforting this may be, it also makes me doubt myself at times because I don't see myself in the autistics I see in documentaries or in most YouTube-videos (there are always exceptions).
The world seems to be too busy looking for the savants or the "low-functioning" to notice the "normal ones" that hide in their midsts. I don't think I talk for myself only when I say this, but it's kinda lonely. After first being defined as different, not normal, etc, it's hard not feeling that you fit in with the one's you're supposed to fit in with, either. Just as any other person I'm searching for someone that's like me, that can validate me as an autistic person.
I have never, to the better of my knowledge, met any other autistics. There is a professor at my uni who seem very autistic (gait, how he seems to have planned every single moment of the lecture, his lack of eye contact, how he sometimes doesn't get it when the students make jokes) plus another student who someone said has Asperger's. I cannot confirm either, and I don't fit either of them, if that's a good way of putting it.
Due to the extensive criteria for Aspergers/HFA and the diversity of autistics, I have yet to find someone who I can really relate to. The stereotypical Aspie doesn't fit me; everyone seems to think that Aspies are geniuses who are brilliant when it comes to numbers, are unable to carry a conversation, will never marry or even have a girlfriend (note the word) and behaves oddly. Judging from the number that 1 in 150 is somewhere on the Spectrum, I don't think this is the case at all. Hell, I know that's not the case. Aspies are just as diverse as normal people, or NTs as I prefer to call them.
Let's take a look at the stereotypical aspie I just described and compare it to me;
- I am definitely not brilliant with numbers. I was good at maths during elementary school, but struggled with it all through high school. Today I'm terrified of numbers (due to a sense of failing, I don't know) and can barely do the shopping by going by very rough estimates.
- I can indeed carry a conversation. However, I struggle to do so in a new, social situation and I tend to focus it back on me (which I've heard is a typical aspie trait). There's also the odd pauses at times where I have to look for unscripted words.
- Will never marry or even have a girlfriend. Although I have no objection with homosexuals/bisexuals, I've used this sentence to prove yet another point. Most people think that only boys (yes, boys, not men) can be autistic. The current number is that there is 1 girls diagnosed for each 4 boys, but my opinion is that more boys than girls are diagnosed due to Hans Asperger doing research on boys only as well as that the diagnosis criteria are written to suit males. Girls and women are under-and undiagnosed due to a lack of knowledge about how autism affects us. Further, it's not true that autistics can't find and keep a partner. I've read and talked with several, both male and female autistics, that have been married and have kids. I'm one. But without the kids.
- It seems that some people think that you can spot an aspie by the way he walks and acts and talks. I'm not saying you can't, but it's a too big an assumption to ignore. I haven't come out to a lot of people, but the first person I came out to who have only known me for a very limited time had a reaction saying this is not the came. She was surprised, maybe even shocked, to learn of my aspieness.
But! You're so outgoing!
My point is that there are so many different ways to be autistic. I'm one. You might be another. And neither of us are just as another. However comforting this may be, it also makes me doubt myself at times because I don't see myself in the autistics I see in documentaries or in most YouTube-videos (there are always exceptions).
The world seems to be too busy looking for the savants or the "low-functioning" to notice the "normal ones" that hide in their midsts. I don't think I talk for myself only when I say this, but it's kinda lonely. After first being defined as different, not normal, etc, it's hard not feeling that you fit in with the one's you're supposed to fit in with, either. Just as any other person I'm searching for someone that's like me, that can validate me as an autistic person.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Thoughts on Words
As I watched Oprah yesterday (the episode with Jenny McCarthy and how her son was magically "healed" of his autism*), I couldn't help but notice how she worded her replies/monologues. I'm not going to address all of it, but what struck me is the difference between her and myself.
She said it was important to say child with autism, not autistic, because the autism isn't the only thing describing the child. That, of course, is true. However... We have no problem saying that someone is, or example, a boy - you don't say child with the gender/sex (that's a whole different discussion) boy.
As an autistic, I define myself as such, but I also define myself as so much more. It's not the only thing about me, which Ms McCarthy so condescendingly suggested it would be with such a description. To me, it sounds more like she's the one who can't see "beyond the autism" and therefore have to say with autism to remind herself that her son is something more.
* It finally aired on Norwegian television last night (I don't watch Oprah, so I don't know if it has been on before), and I capped it for a few autistics and parents of autistics at an online board. Let me know if you haven't seen it yet and would like to.
Addendum: If you remove every label that sum up traits, etc, in one word, like autism -> with autism, aren't we basically removing every single part of us from our cores? If we stop using definitions like that and base our knowledge of ourselves thing we do and things we say instead of accepting them as parts of us?
The autism, however small it may be, is, and have always been a great part of my life (even when I didn't know about it). I can't just diminish that by calling it something else. Just as I am autistic, I'm a girl (at times), a woman (at times), I'm currently a student (not someone who only study) and a photographer and many, many other things.
She said it was important to say child with autism, not autistic, because the autism isn't the only thing describing the child. That, of course, is true. However... We have no problem saying that someone is, or example, a boy - you don't say child with the gender/sex (that's a whole different discussion) boy.
As an autistic, I define myself as such, but I also define myself as so much more. It's not the only thing about me, which Ms McCarthy so condescendingly suggested it would be with such a description. To me, it sounds more like she's the one who can't see "beyond the autism" and therefore have to say with autism to remind herself that her son is something more.
* It finally aired on Norwegian television last night (I don't watch Oprah, so I don't know if it has been on before), and I capped it for a few autistics and parents of autistics at an online board. Let me know if you haven't seen it yet and would like to.
Addendum: If you remove every label that sum up traits, etc, in one word, like autism -> with autism, aren't we basically removing every single part of us from our cores? If we stop using definitions like that and base our knowledge of ourselves thing we do and things we say instead of accepting them as parts of us?
The autism, however small it may be, is, and have always been a great part of my life (even when I didn't know about it). I can't just diminish that by calling it something else. Just as I am autistic, I'm a girl (at times), a woman (at times), I'm currently a student (not someone who only study) and a photographer and many, many other things.
In the real world
Tony Atwood has said that there is indeed a cure for autism. Simply put the autistic in a room, all on his own and close the door. The symptoms disappear when you do so.
This is very true for me. I say that I have no problem functioning in the real world, but it has to be on my terms. Put simply that means that I function reasonably/really well as long as I know what' going to happen and as long as I'm in my little routine of school (lecture, breaks, buying food in the canteen, etc), working at the paper (covering concerts, editorial meetings, conducting interviews), etc. Of course, all of the above have once been unknown and therefore settings where I haven't functioned as well as I do now, after I've rehearsed them and have suiting scripts to go with each of them. Hell, I even seems quite outgoing and socially competent!
So, what happens when I'm thrown into the real world where there are no scripts, no previous experience to work from? Luckily, I seldom have to find out.
Today was the first time I ventured to a auto-repair shop alone. My mom is away on business and took the opportunity to get service done on her car. She handed me an envelope of money and asked me to pick it up this afternoon. After years of driving and thus not using public transportation, I had to take a bus. Noisy, uncomfortable and stressful. Luckily, it was on time; I've got a thing for punctuality. I was also lucky enough to find a seat towards the back and the seat next to me was unoccupied for most of the trip. But still, the people and the noises and the way the bus moved was enough to set of some stimming and make me queasy.
Then I had to deal with talking to unknown people in a noisy garage/office. The smell of the motor oils didn't help my already upset stomach, and just being in there has made me smell. Had to grab a shower the minute I got home.
I've been thinking. Many people have smell-triggered migraines, I know I do. Many autistics also have heightened sensitivity to smells. Is there a connection between migraines and autism? Does anyone know?
This is very true for me. I say that I have no problem functioning in the real world, but it has to be on my terms. Put simply that means that I function reasonably/really well as long as I know what' going to happen and as long as I'm in my little routine of school (lecture, breaks, buying food in the canteen, etc), working at the paper (covering concerts, editorial meetings, conducting interviews), etc. Of course, all of the above have once been unknown and therefore settings where I haven't functioned as well as I do now, after I've rehearsed them and have suiting scripts to go with each of them. Hell, I even seems quite outgoing and socially competent!
So, what happens when I'm thrown into the real world where there are no scripts, no previous experience to work from? Luckily, I seldom have to find out.
Today was the first time I ventured to a auto-repair shop alone. My mom is away on business and took the opportunity to get service done on her car. She handed me an envelope of money and asked me to pick it up this afternoon. After years of driving and thus not using public transportation, I had to take a bus. Noisy, uncomfortable and stressful. Luckily, it was on time; I've got a thing for punctuality. I was also lucky enough to find a seat towards the back and the seat next to me was unoccupied for most of the trip. But still, the people and the noises and the way the bus moved was enough to set of some stimming and make me queasy.
Then I had to deal with talking to unknown people in a noisy garage/office. The smell of the motor oils didn't help my already upset stomach, and just being in there has made me smell. Had to grab a shower the minute I got home.
I've been thinking. Many people have smell-triggered migraines, I know I do. Many autistics also have heightened sensitivity to smells. Is there a connection between migraines and autism? Does anyone know?
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Co-morbidity
In one of his books, Gillberg says that 80% of children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism will develop psychiatric disorders during puberty. He mentions disorders like depression, psychosis, schizophrenia.
A report from one of Norway's leading centers on autism reports has a report on the issue. Part 2.4 of the report deals with co-morbid disorders and sum up the research on the prevalence of different co-morbid disorders. However, the research results are not unanimous;
1) ADHD - Between 38% and 50% of those with AS/HFA mets the criteria for ADHD.
2) Depression - 4%-41%
3) Bipolar Disorder - 6%-27%
4) Tics/Tourettes - 6%-20%.
5) Anxiety - 13,6%-50% have general anxiety. 4%-14% have separation anxiety. 7%-23% have phobias.
7) OCD - 1,5%-25% meets the criteria, although as much as 50% have symptoms.
8) Schizophrenia - The risk is assumed to be the same as the general public.
9) Schizoid disorder and other paranoia disorders - No clear connection.
10) Personality disorders - Can resemble AS/HFA
Aggression - 13% had a morbid fascination with violence, but fewer that the average of the US population had committed acts of violence
12) Other
a) Eating disorders as anorexia, compulsive eating, compulsive drinking, purging, tirual eating and pica (appetite for earth and other non-foods). No known connection.
b) Sleep disorders affect many. Often noticeable before 8 years of age.
c) Gender identity problems - greater risk, but there are often sensory issues behind problems with gender identity.
d) Little to no knowledge on drug use.
In his book, The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, Tony Atwood argues that other disorders, like depression, is not a problem until the child becomes aware that it is not like the other children. It's not there until the child starts to feel left out during playtime, and the 'otherness' continues to grow more and more till children reaches puberty. AS children are often behind their NT-peers when it comes to flirting and 'noticing the other sex', and it is during this time (when all children are more vulnerable) that AS children feel even more left out. Having normal to above normal IQ, AS kids are very aware that they are different and in their struggle to fit and be like any other kid, they are prone to develop depression.
Myself, I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. Most of my childhood memories are from situations where it, once again, became apparent that I did not fit in, that I was not like the other girls in my class. I didn't fit in with them and I didn't fit in with the boys. I was somewhere in the middle, trying my best to be liked by both groups. I failed. The girls shut me out from their little groups and the boys called me names for, I guess, trying to hard to be liked. This lasted through jr. high.
Once in high school, things got better, but I still had problems making friends, and I was still depressed. My depression was not apparent to myself, that is; I didn't think that I was depressed. It was not something I was aware of. It just was.
During all of my years in school, there have been days where I've stayed home due to the depression combined with the anxiety of meeting people and having to be friendly and social. There have been days where I've been so drained due to excessive social contact that I cannot dread another day where I have to 'make social'. It's been easier to stay in bed. This wasn't just in high school, but during elementary school as well. No one did anything about it. Every year I've had too many days of absence. Nothing was ever done about it. Not by my parents and not by the school. Maybe if someone had stopped and asked why, the AS could have been picked up on earlier, and I could have had it easier. But at the same time, I'm not sure what I would have preferred.
Since no one noticed I'm in a place I might not have been if I had received the diagnosis earlier. If I had been diagnosed in elementary school there might not have been the same expectations when it came to school work, etc, but I could also have had it easier now and not been described as lazy. I'm not lazy, I'm just scared of not coping!
A report from one of Norway's leading centers on autism reports has a report on the issue. Part 2.4 of the report deals with co-morbid disorders and sum up the research on the prevalence of different co-morbid disorders. However, the research results are not unanimous;
1) ADHD - Between 38% and 50% of those with AS/HFA mets the criteria for ADHD.
2) Depression - 4%-41%
3) Bipolar Disorder - 6%-27%
4) Tics/Tourettes - 6%-20%.
5) Anxiety - 13,6%-50% have general anxiety. 4%-14% have separation anxiety. 7%-23% have phobias.
7) OCD - 1,5%-25% meets the criteria, although as much as 50% have symptoms.
8) Schizophrenia - The risk is assumed to be the same as the general public.
9) Schizoid disorder and other paranoia disorders - No clear connection.
10) Personality disorders - Can resemble AS/HFA
Aggression - 13% had a morbid fascination with violence, but fewer that the average of the US population had committed acts of violence
12) Other
a) Eating disorders as anorexia, compulsive eating, compulsive drinking, purging, tirual eating and pica (appetite for earth and other non-foods). No known connection.
b) Sleep disorders affect many. Often noticeable before 8 years of age.
c) Gender identity problems - greater risk, but there are often sensory issues behind problems with gender identity.
d) Little to no knowledge on drug use.
In his book, The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, Tony Atwood argues that other disorders, like depression, is not a problem until the child becomes aware that it is not like the other children. It's not there until the child starts to feel left out during playtime, and the 'otherness' continues to grow more and more till children reaches puberty. AS children are often behind their NT-peers when it comes to flirting and 'noticing the other sex', and it is during this time (when all children are more vulnerable) that AS children feel even more left out. Having normal to above normal IQ, AS kids are very aware that they are different and in their struggle to fit and be like any other kid, they are prone to develop depression.
Myself, I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. Most of my childhood memories are from situations where it, once again, became apparent that I did not fit in, that I was not like the other girls in my class. I didn't fit in with them and I didn't fit in with the boys. I was somewhere in the middle, trying my best to be liked by both groups. I failed. The girls shut me out from their little groups and the boys called me names for, I guess, trying to hard to be liked. This lasted through jr. high.
Once in high school, things got better, but I still had problems making friends, and I was still depressed. My depression was not apparent to myself, that is; I didn't think that I was depressed. It was not something I was aware of. It just was.
During all of my years in school, there have been days where I've stayed home due to the depression combined with the anxiety of meeting people and having to be friendly and social. There have been days where I've been so drained due to excessive social contact that I cannot dread another day where I have to 'make social'. It's been easier to stay in bed. This wasn't just in high school, but during elementary school as well. No one did anything about it. Every year I've had too many days of absence. Nothing was ever done about it. Not by my parents and not by the school. Maybe if someone had stopped and asked why, the AS could have been picked up on earlier, and I could have had it easier. But at the same time, I'm not sure what I would have preferred.
Since no one noticed I'm in a place I might not have been if I had received the diagnosis earlier. If I had been diagnosed in elementary school there might not have been the same expectations when it came to school work, etc, but I could also have had it easier now and not been described as lazy. I'm not lazy, I'm just scared of not coping!
Friday, February 22, 2008
Professionals being vague as to not frighten parents?
I'm now doing something I said I wouldn't. I'm about to make a post where I'll try to philosophize and speculate on autism issues. Please note that I am not a parent. I have no idea what it's like to love someone, a child, as a parent, so I don't know how scary it can be (and most likely is) to have a child diagnosed with autism. Please also remember that I sometimes have problems putting myself in other people's situation.
Since I've started reading about autism (which has become my new 'special interest'), I've been made aware several times that some people say that their child has, for instance "Asperger's with delayed speech development". This puzzles me, because everything I've read points to something else. Asperger's is a form of high-functioning autism (from now on referred to as HFA), yes, but... You can have HFA without having Asperger's?
I'm wondering if perhaps, since so many parents say that their child has Asperger's, but at the same time that there has been a significant language delay, it's because the prospect of having an autistic child is so terrifying? Is it perhaps that, because you avoid the 'autism' term by saying "Asperger's Syndrome", you're soothing the parents, telling them "It'll be alright"?
(Page discussing the prognosis of individuals with Asperger's) If someone can provide some insight on this, that'd make me very happy.
Since I've started reading about autism (which has become my new 'special interest'), I've been made aware several times that some people say that their child has, for instance "Asperger's with delayed speech development". This puzzles me, because everything I've read points to something else. Asperger's is a form of high-functioning autism (from now on referred to as HFA), yes, but... You can have HFA without having Asperger's?
This is the area that probably causes the greatest controversy. Both ICD10 and DSM IV state that for a diagnosis of Asperger syndrome then spoken language development must be normal. Children with high functioning autism may have had significant language delay. However, Asperger's original descriptions of the condition stated that speech and language peculiarities are a key feature of Asperger syndrome. Often diagnoses of Asperger syndrome are made when a child is quite old and they or their parents may have difficulty remembering the details of their language development. (Source)
I'm wondering if perhaps, since so many parents say that their child has Asperger's, but at the same time that there has been a significant language delay, it's because the prospect of having an autistic child is so terrifying? Is it perhaps that, because you avoid the 'autism' term by saying "Asperger's Syndrome", you're soothing the parents, telling them "It'll be alright"?
(Page discussing the prognosis of individuals with Asperger's) If someone can provide some insight on this, that'd make me very happy.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Presumptions, assumptions
Well, when you say how hard it is for you to talk to people, and to make friends, it's interesting that you're married and everything. Obviously it's great, too. But it's interesting.This comment was in my inbox a few days ago, from an entry I made in my LiveJournal with the letter I received from the psychologist a saw last week about Asperger's.
To be honest, I don't know how to make this entry. I don't know how to write an entry on how on earth I can be married. It is true that many autistic people do not marry. I'm not going to say that the majority of autistics won't marry because there seems to be more highh-functioning autistics than we know - more and more people, old and young, get a diagnosis.
So, on the topic of me and my marriage versus friends. I do have problems making, but even more so, keeping friends. The psychologist asked me about that - despite my urge to have a close friends, I seem unable to commit to a relationship on the same level as the people I make friends with. Either I'm yearning too much to be open and have girl-talks (you know, the kind you see in Hollywood movies) or I'm too withdrawn and insecure. Either way, I seem to scare people off. I am very very demanding. I demand that people treat me with the same kind of respect I show them - especially when it comes to giving and taking and showing up for appointments on time. As many, if not most autistics, I have a very deep-set black and white-thinking. I shouldn't blame the problems I have with making and keeping friends on my way of thinking and perceiving things, but it'd also be wrong to simply dismiss it. It is too set in my being to just shrug it off.
As much as I'd like a simple way to explain my marriage and the wonderfulness that is my husband, I don't think I can. Although he is most likely not autistic, we share some traits. Despite my urge to make social, I can also enjoy just spending time at home, in peace and quite (making social can drain me completely, resulting in low energy and migraines). He has always (as far as I know) been withdrawn. It's not that he can't have fun with friends, but most of the time he prefers to stay at home gaming and being a geek.
Other than that, he's the person I've been able to open up to the most in all of my life. He knows my ins and outs, my most shameful secrets and good qualities. And he has never judged me. Even when I make terrible mistakes, he's there to pick me up again.
Exactly why we got together, and have stayed together for five years, I don't know. Maybe I just met him at a time in my life where I was so desperate to fit in, have friends and live the perfect life. Maybe that desperation made me give it my all and make it work.
Marriage between NTs and autistics supposedly have an even bigger chance of not working out. Everyone says it's more work than "normal" marriages. Maybe it is. maybe it isn't. It's a bit too easy to say that autistics don't marry. That they can't have friends. It sounds more than just a bit like a cliché, but "we are just like you". We just work a bit differently.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
There's no way to tell, but there are many of us
I met/saw/spent time with an Aspie for the first time in my life yesterday. Well, it's the first time I've known the person has Asperger's.
The girl who managed to "connect the dots" some time back has invited me to join her for scrapping. I'm still a newbie - only started 3 weeks ago, but enjoying it so far. Only drawback is that I sometimes feel like she's my social worker or something. Hope I'm not too clingy and that she doesn't see me as a burden. Either way, she invited me to come over yesterday and I accepted. Had to pop back home to get my stuff, and as I did so, she texted me and asked if I wanted to join them (she and her fiancé), but without specifying who "them" were - I just concluded it would be the two of them.
After I messaged her on FaceBook with my "confession" she mentioned that her fiancé's brother has AS. I know that he has two brothers, but didn't know which one it was. When I got there, his younger brother was visiting and there was no need to tell me that he's the one. I'm not sure how old he is, but he looked like he'd be 13-14 or so. Quiet, kinda withdrawn and very focused on his video games. We had a pleasant enough time, and he came over once in a while as we scrapped as he got bored with the football match that was on TV.
So, where am I going with this? Nowhere for now. I just thought I'd tell. I'll be writing another entry (soon, I hope) about how you can't always tell if someone has AS (or any other condition), hence the title.
The girl who managed to "connect the dots" some time back has invited me to join her for scrapping. I'm still a newbie - only started 3 weeks ago, but enjoying it so far. Only drawback is that I sometimes feel like she's my social worker or something. Hope I'm not too clingy and that she doesn't see me as a burden. Either way, she invited me to come over yesterday and I accepted. Had to pop back home to get my stuff, and as I did so, she texted me and asked if I wanted to join them (she and her fiancé), but without specifying who "them" were - I just concluded it would be the two of them.
After I messaged her on FaceBook with my "confession" she mentioned that her fiancé's brother has AS. I know that he has two brothers, but didn't know which one it was. When I got there, his younger brother was visiting and there was no need to tell me that he's the one. I'm not sure how old he is, but he looked like he'd be 13-14 or so. Quiet, kinda withdrawn and very focused on his video games. We had a pleasant enough time, and he came over once in a while as we scrapped as he got bored with the football match that was on TV.
So, where am I going with this? Nowhere for now. I just thought I'd tell. I'll be writing another entry (soon, I hope) about how you can't always tell if someone has AS (or any other condition), hence the title.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Coming out Asperger
I think the question of when, if at all, to come out is something everyone 'outside the norm' thinks about from time to time, whether they have done it or not. After discovering I'm autistic last year, the thought of telling others have popped into my head from time to time, but I've previously dismissed it because I haven't had the validation of a professional. Even though I've opted against doing it before, I've prepared myself for the time when it might just happen to be a situation where it will be appropriate and maybe even natural to speak up about the condition.
As every adult with ASCs know, there is a serious lack of books about and research on ASCs in, well, adults. Most of you have most likely already read through the books there is out there, but if you haven't picked it up yet, and wonder how to best disclose, I can recommend Coming Out Asperger. It's a book for the adult reader which deals mostly with how to come out, to friends, partners, co-workers, etc. I'm not trying to say that you should follow the book to a T, but maybe it can provide some support and insight?
My biggest problem to date with disclosing is that I have problems voicing my problems. This has been true for the better part of my life. I've never had a close relationship with my parents. Close is perhaps not the best word - 'personal' is more fitting. It's hard to suddenly have such a relationship with your parents when you're 22. It would be odd to suddenly try to change this relationship, not only because we've never been close in the 22 years I've been on this earth but also because; why should I now disclose this. What is it with Asperger's that warrants a disclosure when more or less nothing else in my life does?
The other relationships where it would be "sensible" for me to disclose is to friends. Speaking freely here, I don't have friends. I've never had. I have acquaintances, but not friends. There are people I talk to when I'm at the university where I study, but I seldom, very seldom, engage socially with them out of the university setting. It's not because I haven't wanted to, but because I seem unable to connect with them on the same level as they connect with each other. The question then is why should I disclose? Maybe because I want a better relationship. I want friends. And friends share, don't they?
So, how should one disclose to potential friends? I already have. Unwillingly, but none the less, I have. One of the girls added me to her FaceBook some months ago when we first started talking, but I guess it was just a month ago she actually looked at my profile and noticed the groups I've joined. If others have done the same, no one's ever said anything. Yet, I've never disclosed using my voice. I prefer to express myself in writing.
The question of why I'm a member of groups for autistics where written on a note in lecture, shuffed through the rows of students and given to me, somewhat discreet.
The disclosure finally came, in writing, the next day. I wrote a message over FaceBook, and she replied within the hour. It felt nice. Liberating. And once again I'm finding myself in a situation where maybe it would be appropriate to tell. I'm just trying to muster the nerve to do so.
As every adult with ASCs know, there is a serious lack of books about and research on ASCs in, well, adults. Most of you have most likely already read through the books there is out there, but if you haven't picked it up yet, and wonder how to best disclose, I can recommend Coming Out Asperger. It's a book for the adult reader which deals mostly with how to come out, to friends, partners, co-workers, etc. I'm not trying to say that you should follow the book to a T, but maybe it can provide some support and insight?
My biggest problem to date with disclosing is that I have problems voicing my problems. This has been true for the better part of my life. I've never had a close relationship with my parents. Close is perhaps not the best word - 'personal' is more fitting. It's hard to suddenly have such a relationship with your parents when you're 22. It would be odd to suddenly try to change this relationship, not only because we've never been close in the 22 years I've been on this earth but also because; why should I now disclose this. What is it with Asperger's that warrants a disclosure when more or less nothing else in my life does?
The other relationships where it would be "sensible" for me to disclose is to friends. Speaking freely here, I don't have friends. I've never had. I have acquaintances, but not friends. There are people I talk to when I'm at the university where I study, but I seldom, very seldom, engage socially with them out of the university setting. It's not because I haven't wanted to, but because I seem unable to connect with them on the same level as they connect with each other. The question then is why should I disclose? Maybe because I want a better relationship. I want friends. And friends share, don't they?
So, how should one disclose to potential friends? I already have. Unwillingly, but none the less, I have. One of the girls added me to her FaceBook some months ago when we first started talking, but I guess it was just a month ago she actually looked at my profile and noticed the groups I've joined. If others have done the same, no one's ever said anything. Yet, I've never disclosed using my voice. I prefer to express myself in writing.
The question of why I'm a member of groups for autistics where written on a note in lecture, shuffed through the rows of students and given to me, somewhat discreet.
Hey, why are you a member of so many autism communities on FB?I froze. I completely froze.
How on earth am I gonna wriggle myself out of this one?!A hast phone call to my partner during recess gave me some support.
Tell her if you want to. I think you should, but this is your decision.I didn't tell her. I hurried a note back saying it was "kinda complicated" and that I could tell her later - a few of the girls were going over to her place that night. It didn't come up. Not in itself and I didn't find a suitable time to tell her. I came home and my thoughts of myself was that I was a coward.
The disclosure finally came, in writing, the next day. I wrote a message over FaceBook, and she replied within the hour. It felt nice. Liberating. And once again I'm finding myself in a situation where maybe it would be appropriate to tell. I'm just trying to muster the nerve to do so.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Welcome!
After contemplating this for a while, I finally took the leap of creating an open and uncensored, yet anonymous, blog about living with Asperger's Syndrome. I've been blogging about the syndrome and how it affects me, as well as the process I've been going through to in order to figure out it is indeed AS, at my normal blog.
However, because I have used that blog for many years and lots of people have been given the address, I thought it was good to start 'afresh' somewhere else where I can openly write about Asperger's Syndrome and how I experience it.
I will, over the next few days, backtrack my entries in my regular blog and publish some of them here to 'bring you up to speed' on the last few months.
However, because I have used that blog for many years and lots of people have been given the address, I thought it was good to start 'afresh' somewhere else where I can openly write about Asperger's Syndrome and how I experience it.
I will, over the next few days, backtrack my entries in my regular blog and publish some of them here to 'bring you up to speed' on the last few months.
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