Well, when you say how hard it is for you to talk to people, and to make friends, it's interesting that you're married and everything. Obviously it's great, too. But it's interesting.This comment was in my inbox a few days ago, from an entry I made in my LiveJournal with the letter I received from the psychologist a saw last week about Asperger's.
To be honest, I don't know how to make this entry. I don't know how to write an entry on how on earth I can be married. It is true that many autistic people do not marry. I'm not going to say that the majority of autistics won't marry because there seems to be more highh-functioning autistics than we know - more and more people, old and young, get a diagnosis.
So, on the topic of me and my marriage versus friends. I do have problems making, but even more so, keeping friends. The psychologist asked me about that - despite my urge to have a close friends, I seem unable to commit to a relationship on the same level as the people I make friends with. Either I'm yearning too much to be open and have girl-talks (you know, the kind you see in Hollywood movies) or I'm too withdrawn and insecure. Either way, I seem to scare people off. I am very very demanding. I demand that people treat me with the same kind of respect I show them - especially when it comes to giving and taking and showing up for appointments on time. As many, if not most autistics, I have a very deep-set black and white-thinking. I shouldn't blame the problems I have with making and keeping friends on my way of thinking and perceiving things, but it'd also be wrong to simply dismiss it. It is too set in my being to just shrug it off.
As much as I'd like a simple way to explain my marriage and the wonderfulness that is my husband, I don't think I can. Although he is most likely not autistic, we share some traits. Despite my urge to make social, I can also enjoy just spending time at home, in peace and quite (making social can drain me completely, resulting in low energy and migraines). He has always (as far as I know) been withdrawn. It's not that he can't have fun with friends, but most of the time he prefers to stay at home gaming and being a geek.
Other than that, he's the person I've been able to open up to the most in all of my life. He knows my ins and outs, my most shameful secrets and good qualities. And he has never judged me. Even when I make terrible mistakes, he's there to pick me up again.
Exactly why we got together, and have stayed together for five years, I don't know. Maybe I just met him at a time in my life where I was so desperate to fit in, have friends and live the perfect life. Maybe that desperation made me give it my all and make it work.
Marriage between NTs and autistics supposedly have an even bigger chance of not working out. Everyone says it's more work than "normal" marriages. Maybe it is. maybe it isn't. It's a bit too easy to say that autistics don't marry. That they can't have friends. It sounds more than just a bit like a cliché, but "we are just like you". We just work a bit differently.
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4 comments:
Oh yes, it is possible for Aspies to get married, and for the few that do, I feel that they are very lucky! Having a special relationship with someone could benefit an Aspie greatly - there is less insecurity and anxiety. Aspies are humans, too, and a variety of human beings get married. It is common to think that dogs do not like cats, but there are some that do. There is always that special group who are above the norm and defy the odds. ;)
First, thank you for your comment!
What I forgot to add yesterday, was that I found it to be such an odd question/statement. No one would even think to ask why someone in a wheelchair could ever be married. Why is it so different with Aspies? Because we think and react differently to stimuli, yes, but whose to say that people with other disabilities/problems/whatever can't experience the same difficulties as we do?
I've been happily married to a neurotypical woman for forty-one years. Beyond that, we were heavily into swinging for four of those years. We had to stop because of the cumulative damage wrought by the sexually transmitted diseases we picked up, but it was obvious that my partners liked and appreciated me, and I'm still into tying and teasing women. Obviously my partners' expectations of me aren't what the average neurotypical woman expects of the average neurotypical man; but within the context I create, I don't have any problem relating.
Thank you for your input :)
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