Yes, I am awfully slow in updating about the things I say I'll update about. At the end of the spring semester, I said I had a lot of blog entries in my RSS-feeder, that I'd read through them, and then give my opinion on things presented in those blogs. A few weeks on, and I still have done so.

Masks - oh dear

"Now, I want to get rid of them. Partly because they are so hard to maintain, I have to remember all these masks for so many different people, it gets too tiring, and very stressful when I have to deal with two people who are usually not seen together – I have to mix their individual masks and come up with a super mask that fits both people in that situation."

This rings so true! I've done this for as long as I can remember. A lot of this has had to do with my family. As I might, and might not have mentioned before, my family has never allowed for any feelings to be exhibited, for anything "bad" to be out in the open, and any mental issues or disabilities, like Asperger's, would simply not be accepted. This is why I've never stood up for myself when it comes to all the years I've been, often severely, depressed. Neither have I told my mom about me having Asperger's. I'm not sure I ever will.

More specifically, I've had masks for different people all my life. This has to do with my family situation, as I've indicated above. There's one mask for acquaintances, one for my mom, one for my husband, and so on. It has to be mentioned that my husband is silently and carefully pulling the mask further and further over my head, almost removing it completely. I think this is a good thing, but at the same time, I need these masks in order to function. I've blogged about this previously, a few months back, on how I function very well when it's on "my terms".

Masks are, for me, tightly intertwined with the need to mentally prepare for situations, people and possible conversations. Different people require different masks. If I am to talk to a person working in the uni administration, I need to plan for what to say - in which order should I make my needs be known? How can I best explain what I need help with? This preparation calls for a strong and confident mask.

Preparation for lectures and seminars is sort of similar. It's not good, I know, but I prepare for lectures and seminars by sitting next to someone I know will be prone to throwing their hands in the air to answer questions. Sitting next to someone like that will, most likely, have as a consequence that I will not be asked any questions.

"I have decided that this year, I want to make a fresh start."

This is definitely easier said than done.

After becoming aware of my Asperger's, I've felt more confident in myself than ever before. My entire life, I've kept in the shadows, always being the good girl who does what she's told. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but this good girl-syndrome has kept me in a place where I've never wanted to stand up for myself.

Finding out about being on the spectrum coincided, time-wise, with having to be on my own for 6-7 months. During this time I have had to be my own advocate. It's been hard, but it's been necessary, both for practical reasons and for becoming the person I am today.

During this time I've made quite a few new acquaitances, and I have tried my best to make them without the help of my masks. I have succeded as well - when my husband returned home and met with a friend I made during his absence, I noticed that there weren't that big a clash between the mask I wear with his and the mask I wear with her. It's strange, but a welcome feeling.

Another disorder that is often co-morbid with autism is Alexithymia - a disorder where you have a hard time figuring out just what you're feeling and describing feelings to others. A link on a forum led me to a test where you can "check" if you've got it. My score came to 154.

This and That - nothing much to update about

If you are a recurring guest here, in my blog, you might have noticed the stat counter I've places on the right hand side. It's interesting, in a way - the first few days after I added it, the number of visits was to be expected; a few each day. But, after I merged this blog with my other one and changed the name on my profile, or, "stopped hiding", it's gotten quite a few unique hits as well as recurring visitors. The blog also gets quite a few page reloads - and I can say, not all of them are mine...

The question remains as to why.

* I haven't written any new posts since last Wednesday.

* The last post wasn't a comment to any news article about going-ons in the autistic society - it was on Autistic Pride Day, and a short one at that.

* I don't advertise for this blog anywhere. It's linked to from a couple of profiles on a few message boards, but I doubt that's where the traffic is coming from.

* I haven't posted a comment anywhere, linking to it.

If you're one of these visitors (which you must be since you're reading this right now), please indulge me and tell me how you found me. Do you follow me on a regular basis?


In other news, there are no other news. Life is slowly going by and nothing much happens. We (my husband and I) attended a wedding last Saturday. I'd been a bit anxious about the dinner and party due to social issues. They pretty much came true - I had a hard time "small talking" when my husband wasn't there (he had a flu and came and left the room "as it pleased" him - bless him, he wasn't feeling good), but that was to be expected. My initial problems making social is when no one initiates it. I can small talk, but only if someone talks to me first. The conversations usually die down pretty fast, as they did on Saturday; someone asks me how long I've known the bride, we talk a bit about that. Then they ask what I study in uni, I tell them. And then it goes silent. I have no idea how to ask something back. They usually leave at that point. I don't blame them.

At Aspies for Freedom, there is a new thread on recommendations of books on autism. So far non-fiction books were recommended, but today when I checked the thread, someone had recommended The Speed of Dark, which is a sci-fi book set somewhere in the future where a cure for autism has been found. It can only be used on babies, but a cure for adults are about to be found, and the main character is given the opportunity to take it. I've added it to my wishlist there as I am in desperate need for something to read and because it sounds very, very interesting. And, since I'm rude and all that, here is a link to my wishlist. If nothing else, I have a wide range of autism books on there - maybe you'll find something you want to read. Although the book is no longer on my wish list (since I got it), I can highly recommend Unstrange Minds - Remapping the World of Autism. It offers a "history" of autism - from when it was first "discovered" by Kanner and Asperger, how it was viewed as a form of schizophrenia, how autistics were treated, but also a good insight into how a few selected countries view autism today. It also explains why there is no "autism epidemic". A good read. Get it today.

Autistic Pride Day

Today is Autistic Pride Day.

Today I changed my profile here on Blogspot to include my real name. I also changed my user names on two online message boards to my real name.

Although I've done so, I have not included my surname. Proud or not, I have no real desire to shout it from the roof tops.

Meeting others on the spectrum

I think one of the most common 'fears' of those self-diagnosed, or "self-dx'ed" if you will, is the fear of thinking you're just imagining this, you're not really autistic, and it's just something you've made up to cover up something else. It certainly has been for me, although the semi-official diagnosis on Feb. 11, 2008 has made me feel more certain that I'm an indeed right.

Others have said it before me, and I'll say it here - meeting others on the spectrum, either with or without an official diagnosis might help you figure out in which camp you belong.

This spring I was fortunate enough to find a group of parents of kids recently diagnosed as Aspergic. Originally consisting of parents from a nearby municipality, I was accepted to a meeting as the first autistic person (although the parents often have traits themselves). After being very nervous in the car, I was happy to learn that these people were all great, and they made me feel very welcome and needed - they asked me questions and were genuinely interested (as far as I can tell). So far I've met these people thrice - two times in one of the homes, once at a café, with only two of them.

I've also been a part of two meetings consisting of auties only. One should think that in an area of a mere 181 000 people it'd be "hard" finding others on the spectrum. So far I have a confirmed number of 7, and I suspect two students on campus that I've run into (who seem clearly autistic), a professor who can be nothing but, and a few more.

Meeting these people has proven a very valid point, one that I cannot stress enough; each autistic is as different from each other as each NT is different from every other NT. What we have in common is certain traits. It's no use trying to compare us, and say that one cannot be autistic because she is not interested in the same things as he is. The traits that makes us autistic varies in severity, making us different and faceted people. It has also showed me that I have found my camp, no matter how many times I'll have to endure comments like "you're not autistic - you can talk!" and "you seem so outgoing!".

Petition against Autism Speaks

I think this is pretty much all over the autie-friendly sites in English, but if you haven't seen it yet, here is a petition against Autism Speaks. Unfortunately, it can only be signed once per IP.

Yet again, long time I've updated. My only excuse is that 'real life' has gotten in the way. Since I last updated, my husband passed his exam in Denmark and returned to Norway. Before, and after, that I've had 4 exams of my own - two of them being oral exams, and I guess every autistic person reading this understands why I emphasise it :P

That aside, I have several blog posts from Autism Hub that I want to read more thoroughly, and "respond" to them (give it my take, if you will). Now that uni's over for the semester, I should have time for that soon. Soon = maybe before June 21st, but more likely after, and the list of posts to respond to will only grow longer. June 21st is the day a friend will get married, and I'm her maid of honor, believe it or not.

I hope you can endure the wait.